SIgh

So last night we were talking.  Today because of what we were talking about last night and the way that it went I feel like it is all my fault. I feel inadequate and worthless.  I feel like I never will be what he wants me to be and frankly I do not know if I ever do.  I'm tired of not being enough. He does thank me for things like work done around here, things done with the kids and he is appreciative of that, but then since I am not enough in other areas it takes away from everything else.  Why do I feel like it is all my fault?   Today is a hard day.  a very hard one.  Need to find something to pick me up.  I can not let it drag me down.

Anniversary

Today is our eighth anniversary.  I actually feel like this year we have something to celebrate.  I think there has only been one other time in the last 8 years that I felt this way.  I do this time and I guess that is what is important. I am happy to go out and celebrate!  45 minutes and our sitter gets here :)

getting it out.

getting it out so I can let it go.  I cannot tell you how many times people who were related to my husband would call me on the phone for one reason or the other and they would spend so long pointing out EVERY. LITTLE.THING that I did wrong.  They told me repeatedly that they hated me.  They would never like me, they would never accept me as family.  I had to apologize for every little thing.  My apology to them was never good enough, I didn't apologize for the right thing, in the right way.   You would think that being that I was his wife and I was under attack from those that were close to him that he would put a stop to it.  I begged him, I pleaded with him.  I refused to go to gatherings where they were.  I was told that I had to just let it go, grow thicker skin, ignore it and just be the bigger person and play nice.  We would in no way stay away from the situation.  We had to be a part of it.  I was his wife and no matter what I had to stand by him and go with him.
there was over 2 years of it.  I quit answering on the phone  I would get 3 sometimes 4 voice-mails in a row that they would call back each time so they could dump all over me.  Once the voice-mail would cut them off they would call right back until they were finished.  When that didn't work they would email.  Sometimes I would email back.  Sometimes I would attack back.  It was an awful situation.

Finally he decided enough was enough.  It was too late.  There was no way to stop the snowball rolling down the steep hill.  It was through the program that we were in that he learned finally that the behavior was wrong.  It had to be him that put his foot down and put a stop to it.  By then it was too late.  They hated so deep that him trying to put a stop to it just pushed them harder.  It ended in them reporting us to child protective services.  That was a horrid moment in our lives.  I knew I wasn't the best parent, but I was trying.  I wasn't the worst parent either.  I didn't beat my kids, they always had plenty in the way of physical needs.  They got play time with me and outside.  I did emotionally neglect them though.  I was detached from them.  I couldn't deal with it all.  I was emotionally detached from everyone and everything around me, including myself.  It wasn't just them.    I was lucky that I wasn't totally detached from the Spirit because the day CPS walked through my door The spirit had prompted me to do somethings around the house.  One of which was not putting off the carpet cleaning any longer.  EVeryone had been sick with a horrible stomache bug.  2 kids in diapers that would explode, kids puking.  I was sick too.  The carpet in the main living area of our house was awful.  I had of course cleaned up after every incident, but the smell was still there we had finally just gotten to the end of the worst of things and had borrowed a carpet cleaner.  I was prompted that instead of napping then cleaning (the kids were asleep) that I should shampoo the carpet then nap while it dried.  I did, and I was ever so glad. I cannot imagine what she would have thought walking into that after a call had already been placed.

The case with CPS ended well.  We had to get all sorts of stuff from the doctors. The Early Intervention person and the Occupational Therapist that worked with my son were contacted after we signed releases from them.  We had our initial visit from the social worker, had a doctors appointment with our doctor and with the CPS nurse.  The case was decided that it was a "retaliation case" We were asked if we were in a fight with family or friends because that is the only reason they could see that they had been called.

At the beginning of the case  we had called a neighbor who went to church with us and was also a Lawyer.  We called him for advice and support.  He came over and gave us both Priesthood Blessings.  We were both told that the called had been placed out of the fault of others, not the fault of ours.

It was the final straw for my husband.  We were already planning on moving.  Had stuff already started being packed.  In fact there were several boxes of stuff sitting around when CPS walked in.  She even noted the fact that it looked like were were moving either in or out.  my husband gave some of the people involved a chance to make amends.  They didn't want to.  So we left without saying good bye.  It was hard, but had to be done.

We worked hard on forgiving them.  It was hard though.  How can you forgive someone after so much had been said and done?  How could your forgive someone who wasn't sorry?
In the Book of Mormon we learn from the book of Third Nephi 13:14-15  "For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
There is also that saying that carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

We were counseled at one point that there is a big difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again.  Most of the time people think that to forgive means to trust.  You can forgive an abuser, a rapist, a murderer, but that does not mean you have to trust them and place yourself with them again.  You can forgive them and not carry that burden of hate with you against them.  Trust is earned, they have to earn trust, but they don't have to earn forgiveness.

It took awhile, but we forgave them.  I am not writing this to get out my feelings for them, but my feelings for my spouse.  I wasn't good enough for him to stand up for.  I wasn't worth the time to him.  He knows he has done wrong, he knows what he should have done.  He has apologized for it.  I have partly forgiven him for it, now it is time to finish.

Learning to let go

Doing this is hard.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.
Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( http://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/05/to-help-a-loved-one-in-need?lang=eng )

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.
Elder David A. Bednar:  "you cannot control the intentions of behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act.( http://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/11/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng )

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.

This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( http://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/05/to-help-a-loved-one-in-need?lang=eng )

Quote for the day.

Elder Richard G. Scott : "when you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions.  Some serve a useful purpose; others do not.  To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this,now? What have I don't to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? ( http://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/11/trust-in-the-lord?lang=eng )

Also with this... Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin "Often those who struggle with adversity ask the question Why dis this happen to me? They spend sleepless nights wondering why they feel so lonely, sick, discouraged, oppressed, or brokenhearted.  The question, Why me? can be a difficult one to answer and often leads to frustration and despair.  There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is What could I learn from this experience. ( http://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/11/press-on?lang=eng )

The difference in questions is small.  Yet their meaning is so different.  I cannot tell you how many times I have asked the first sets of questions.  So many times.  Over and over.  I have prayed, I have said them nicely in my prayers.  I have screamed and hollered them in my prayers.  My attitude wasn't right.  Sometime recently I have changed, with the encouragement of my husband I have started asking the latter questions.  Thing are so different.  Some of our current situations are no different, but the feelings in dealing with them are.  There is a calmness.  We have now asked for direction and are patiently waiting.  We have some answers, but mostly we have comfort.  For right now the comfort will suffice, I know the answers will come because I am finally asking the right questions.  I have my perspective right and we are doing all we can.  WE are on the right path.

a Little background

I married a man who was addicted to Pornography.  He had been since a child.  While we were dating it was not nearly as gripping as it became later on.  He had counseled with his Bishop about it and had often counseled with his dad.  He felt that was sufficient to be past it.  For some, that may be enough.  For him it wasn't.  I learned about it right about the time that we became pregnant with our first son.   For the first couple of months I was naive and pushed it away.  It was not long that it started to control our lives.  I quickly became a codependent.  I continued to allow it out of my ignorance.  Over the years it got to be too much and I couldn't break my cycle either.

I was overcome with so many emotions.  I hated myself, my spouse, I was angry, hurt, ashamed, helpless, alone, fearful, regretful.  After the birth of our first child I developed Postpartum Depression.  It was ugly.  It was of course made worse by entering into it with the above listed feelings.  I had overwhelming thoughts.  They were very dark and often times morbid.  This further added to my feelings of self hate.  The more I withdrew the more my husband did.  The deeper he became involved in his addiction.

I sought therapy after coming very close one night to attempting suicide.  That was my first round with a professional therapist.  She was mildly helpful.  She did not understand how dark postpartum depression can get.  There were somethings related to our overall situation that were helpful.  My husband did not agree with those things and for the sake of not having to deal with him I let go of counseling.

I was introduced to craniosacral therapy and Applied Kinnesiology.  Both of these therapies were helpful in releasing me from the PPD.  While I was still dealing with codependency and the negative feelings about myself I was no longer in the dark awful depths of PPD.

not long after the birth of our second child I took the kids and I left.  I was only able to go away for a few days, but it had made the first impact on my husband of what his addiction was doing to us.  I made it clear to him why I was leaving.  While I was gone he told me time and time again he could not wait till we got home, he missed us.  I told him I did not under any circumstances want to come home I hated him and I hated our life there.  He promised to seek help and to get better.  Of course I had no option but to return home.  I had no place to go and so home we went.  That was in February.

Late June came around and still nothing from him except addiction.  He then started blaming me for his not being able to overcome his addiction.  Finally one day I told him that he had a week.  I was done. He had a week to find a place for him to live or to get serious help.  Not just promise to find it but to actually obtain it.  He agreed that it was what needed to be done.  Then next evening after the kids were asleep we had someone watch the kids and went for a walk.  He walked with me over to a house in the neighborhood where a friend from church lived.  She was a therapist, this we knew.  Little did we know that she worked specifically with pornography addiction recovery.  She accepted us and got us into a program that she was a part of.  We both got therapy and group sessions.

That was where we started learning about codependency.  That was where for the first time I had someone tell me that it was not my fault.  They told me that I did nothing to deserve his behavior nor did I do anything to make him act the way he did.  It was all his choice.  He was told that HE had to be accountable for his actions, for his recovery, and for all the hurt and pain it caused others around him.

We were only able to be a part of that program for a short time.  for one it was very expensive, for another we moved.  We brought our program books with us and finished them on our own.  Things were good for a long time.  He had some relapses, but nothing long lasting.

We decided to have a third child.  During the time that I was pregnant he relapsed more and more.  He finally took notice when he realized that he had developed feelings for a co-worker.  As hurtful and degrading as the addiction was, this was so much worse.  He had crossed the final line that I had set down and he knew that as well.  I wanted out more than ever at that point.  How could I get out?  We had moved hundreds of miles away from all family and friends.  We were living mostly on student loans.  Neither of us had anywhere to go.  At that point I had already started to heal some, but with his news the backslide was harsh and deep.

He then started a 12 step program similar to the 12 steps of the AA Program. that was 21 months ago.  He has had 15 months of sobriety.  He has ownership over himself and his addiction.  We are now learning to grow together and support and uplift each other.  This is my journey to healing.

Why?

There are a lot of people in the world that believe Pornography and the things that come along with it are a perfectly natural part of life.  They feel that men have their needs and they can satisfy them in this way.

Then there are those of us that believe that it is wrong.  We may believe it is wrong because our Morals or our church tell us it is.  We may believe it is only wrong for a married man, but not a single man.

This is here for those that feel it is wrong.  For those who are healing from the effects of a loved ones addiction.  Pornography can become an addiction just as Alcohol, meth, heroine, gambling.  There are all sorts of things around us that can become addiction.  Sugar, Caffeine, Chocolate, abuse, food, prescription drugs.  While some of them may seem silly, all can become terribly gripping addictions.  An addiction is when you can think of nothing else but your next time.  When your life revolves about planning, attempting, achieving.  When this becomes your focus as you get more caught up in it you become unable to sleep, eat, think without first satisfying your need for whatever it is that you have become addicted to.
It gets to the point where it affects every aspect of your life.

This is here so that those who have been hurt by a loved ones addiction may come to know that there is hope.  There is help and healing through the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.  He not only died for sinners, also for those who have burdens, who are mourning, or are heavy in heart.  Mathew 11:28-30 states "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in hear: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Realization

That moment when you realize that you driving everywhere or close to it for the past eight years has always been about control no matter how good the reasons were it has always been control based. Going to have to give that one up. It may be hard and I can still drive sometimes but it needs to not be about control when I do.


Also today something else is bugging me. Of course spouse is going to read this and it may ruin it but that is ok this is my healthy outlet. See we are leaving town soon him in one direction the kids and I in another. No big deal there but he has a calling that he can have no part of for three weeks. Now the control me wants to nag him until he sits down and calls someone to cover him. I can't go that though and it's hard because if he doesn't do it then be will take a fall and it will be my fault ( not really my fault I know that now) so I guess this will suffice as his reminder because to nag is to control and be codependent. The journey is fun isn't it? A learning process for sure. Where is the line between a helpful reminder and a codependant behavior?


It has been said that my husband has ADD and we used to believe that. We are changing that belief as we learn more about addiction. Tonight I believe that he doesn't have ADD it's just that for so long he has been controlled by someone with codependent behavior( I am not the first codependent he has had) that he can't put things in his memory. Why go to that work when you have someone to do it for you. I guess part of his recovery is going to have to be him retraining his brain to remember things.


ETA: after he read this he said his calling is all taken care of.

Step one

Honesty. Come to admit that I am powerless over the addiction of another-that my life is becoming unmanageable.

At times I have been controlled by feelings of: hate (myself) hate (towards my spouse),Evny (towards all the *perfect* marriages out there) Fear, guilt, unworthiness, ineptness, emptiness, solitude.

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought "If only I had (not)_________ then he wouldnt have his addiction." Or "he could overcome it if I was______"  There are lots and lots of different things that could go in those blanks.  So many, and they would all be different for each different person and each different addiction.  

Our addicted loved ones begin to make progress when they accept the truth that they are powerless to overcome their addiction.  Step one for us begins with the same truth- we are also powerless over our loved ones' addiction. Many of us tried in vain to control our loved one;s behavior only to find out lives periodically overwhelmed with a frustrating and impossible task.  We may have believed this to be our spiritual responsibility to end another persons addiction.  We become fearful of what might happen to our loved ones. (APR manual)

Doing this becomes easy.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.  

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.  

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.

This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

How does understanding the power of addiction, help me to recognize that I cannot control my loved one's  addictive behavior and choices?

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

In what ways have I tried to control my loved one in addiction? What emotions may have motivated my behaviors?

So many ways.  I tried to force him to be helpful around the house.  To "be the man" To provide for us, to finish school.  I picked his major.  I picked up forms, I filled them out.  I handled everything that came in whether it be for the kids, him, myself.  I took care of it all so he wouldn't have to do any of it.

I think my main motivator was guilt.  If I was able to do it all then he could focus only on recovery.  And when I failed to do it all his addiction became my fault.  When he would "slip up" it was my fault because I hadn't done something right, or good enough.

What can I do to begin to choose how I respond rather than emotionally react to the circumstances around me.

the first step to this is recognizing the difference between choosing how you react and having an emotional reaction.  An emotional reaction happens with no thought to the circumstance, or the consequences of the reaction.  When you chose to react, there is a thought process involved. Even if it isn't a long though process, it is still a though process.  You see your step and you can foresee some of the consequences whether they be good or bad.

So I would say learning to think first.

How does understanding my own nothingness without God's power help me recognize that I can not cause,control, or cure my loved one's addiction? 

Understanding that God is all powerful, yet he still cannot control the actions of another person helps me to realize that I cannot either.  I am not more than God.  I can't do something that he can't/  And that is OK!  It is not up to me.  It is only up to me to control how I react to anothers actions. 

In my efforts to help my addicted loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself? Have I neglected loving interactions or awareness of the physical and emotional needs of my children or spouse?

For years I quit wearing make-up, dressing daily, doing my hair.  There was no point, there was no time.  I quit reading my scriptures and feeding my soul.  I quit doing the things that I wanted to do for ME. My kids at times have been terribly neglected.  Never in their physical needs but in their emotional and spiritual needs.  

What can I learn from this life experience? How can it become and opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future?

There is so much to learn from this life experience.  To much to put here.  I can put this here for now though.  I can learn that when we give up control of our life to Our Father in Heaven good things come.  We no longer are frustrated to the point of screaming because if the actions of another.  we let Gods light shine in us and it fills all the dark empty spots.  Yes we will still have trials, but nothing that can't be overcome if we are in the hands of God. 

It can be an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom  by talking, writing, reading, and DOING.  To write things down gives you perspective.  It gives you a place to put your feelings, to see your growth.  when you see your growth you can see what you have learned.  When you have learned something now, it can only benefit you in the future.  Especially if you have a place to look back on it.