tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89553483809689184112024-02-22T01:08:19.349-08:00My journey to healing.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-21446797386566182112016-12-04T12:14:00.004-08:002016-12-04T12:17:39.038-08:00miraclesThe last several months have been a struggle. More so that is normal for us. a Family member of ours made the decision because of severe depression to end his life. It was hard on us all. My son struggled with it and still does. He stopped sleeping in his own room. he stopped participating in the things that were important to him. he was up all hours of the night. IT was a struggle all summer. School came and he was a mess. He came home from school upset everyday we struggled with getting the things set up that he needed. I called the school district almost daily for 3 weeks. I finally complained on facebook about it and got in trouble with HR for it, but the issue was fixed and services provided the very next day. We prayed, we struggled. it's been hard. He has slowly started to settle down but still hasn't been able to sleep on his own. He's needed company and meds and reassurance time and time again between 7 at night clear up until 1 am many times until his body would just quit and he would collapse into sleep. <br />
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then there is my daughter who struggles daily with anxiety. She is so anxious. EVERYTHING upsets her. she wont play in the backyard at all because 2 years ago there was a wasp nest that we got rid of. She wont play at the house of anyone with an animal. she spends DAYS in the house crying because ants are outside. because flies are outside, and bees. or one of the neighborhood children told her that there was a cat outside. She will spend anywhere between 1 and 5 days in the house because someone saw a cat outside or someones dog got out for a couple minutes. She would wake up time and time again in the night screaming about dreaming of ants and spiders on her. or screaming that a dog approached her in her dream. every spring the same process starts over. this year no matter what it has lasted through the summer. She spent so many days in the house crying that no one, not even her siblings would come in the house to play with her and she couldn't go out.<br />
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In all of our talking to people and searching for ways to help my son therapy dogs kept coming up. we always dismissed the idea because of our daughter. We couldn't do that to her. The idea kept coming.<br />
Then one day she started talking about the neighbors tiny puppy that wasn't much bigger than her hands. she kept saying she wanted a dog. <br />
so we started talking about it. she claimed she would only take a tiny puppy. We knew that a tiny puppy wouldn't do what we wanted. We wanted a dog that would be a therapy/service animal. One that would help my son feel safe in his room. one that would keep her safe outside. one that we could train to be out without a leash and follow her around in the spring and summer to keep her safe from all the naughty things outside. A tiny puppy dog wouldn't do those things.<br />
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We are in a small town in a small state. We arent too far though from a much larger state with a much larger population. so we started searching their classifieds. as it drew closer to Thanksgiving I started searching harder as we would be there for thanksgiving. I responded to a few ads and was told that no they weren't available anymore, or just outright being ignored. I was getting discouraged, but knew that since we were praying daily about it and the kids were too that we would figure it out at some point. <br />
One day I was searching the ads, looking at the most recent ones first (which btw is an AWESOME sort feature) not seeing anything I went and started making dinner. several times I thought about going back and looking just one more time. I wrote it off, no dinner will burn, I just looked, i'll look later after the kids get to bed... finally I gave in and looked, sorting by newest. there at the top the first ad this dog was looking at me. I was so drawn to her. I went back to dinner, then came back. there she was. I looked at the post, shes in Idaho. not a possibility. went back to dinner. Couldn't stop thinking about her. I clicked on the post. There she was. Price was a LOT. I checked the bank, not enough money in there, we are short 250.00, shes too far away anyway. Then I look again and the post says that her family will be going to within an hour of where we will be for thanksgiving and they would be happy to bring her. So I sent a message. we went back and forth all evening and we decided that this was our dog. we agreed to come down on price to what I could afford.<br />
all this time I was back and forth with dinner, serving it, eating it, getting kids to bed. <br />
We showed the dog to the kids, talked to them about her. The little one couldn't go to sleep just at the thought of bringing such a big dog into the house. She isnt a small doug though still a puppy. she is a half golden retriver, half standard poodle. at 6 months old she stands almost as tall as my daughter. she spent the night in my bed.<br />
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I questioned again, is this right, is this our dog. The response was yes. WE started talking about it more as a family. Then the day came to meet her. No matter how many times I prayed and got the confirmation that yes, this is indeed our dog I doubted. Even when we put the dog in our car and drove off I was torn between doubt and certainty. So was my daughter. You could see it in her.<br />
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For 2 days she fluctuated being scared and being sort of ok. Sometimes back and forth in a matter of seconds. We told her she could take her time, there was no rush.<br />
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It took about 4 days is all before they were fine with each other. never once was there nightmares and screaming. We were fully prepared for it. fully prepared to keep the 2 away from each other. fully prepared to be up half the night with a child.<br />
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Now, just over a week later there is ENORMOUS changes in the 2 children that we bought the dog for. The little one plays with her. Giggles when being licked. she is the only one that the puppy will play tug-of-war with. She sleeps with my son in his room. my son is back in his own bed. He goes to sleep on time without 1 million reassurances that all will be ok in the morning. he's happier, all my children are happier. It's amazing. my son has only had one meltdown since we got her instead of the at least one a day sometimes several that we had been having prior.<br />
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These things are nothing short of modern day miracles wrought by a Father in Heaven who listens to and loves us. Made possible through the love of our Brother and Savior Jesus Christ. I can hardly wait to see what this spring and summer brings. Until then though we will enjoy each day and continue to work towards the goal of happiness and security.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-55107143117341395972016-01-17T13:20:00.001-08:002016-01-17T13:20:09.860-08:00I'll go where you want me to go....Ever heard the Lord works in Mysterious ways? Things go full circle?<br />
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I've been looking at Facebook memories everyday. This week one came up about our move here. 3 years ago this week we drove from Montana toWyoming. I had been working with the Relief Society President in thethe ward that bears our city's name. We had an offer to stay with a Family in their ward while Travis did some final things with the Department and we looked for housing. We were to be here 3 days with 2 days travel down and 2 days back. Then we were to go back to MT and be there 1 week, finish packing, finish with the other Jobs there and move here. The first day of our travel here our littlest started to get sick. By evening when we stopped at our motel for the night she was SICK knowing the family we were staying with had a new baby I called the Relief Society president. She found us another place to stay. Which was funny because this other gal had already approached her and said you know if plan A doesnt work out let me be plan B. She told me that and I was shocked. What a blessing. Thanks for plan B lady to be listening to the Spirit.<br />
It's a good thing too. Little one ended up being diagnosed with RSV. <br />
Since the ward had opened it's arms to us (3 families anyway) we wanted to end up in that Ward. <br />
We looked and looked in their ward for housing. Couldn't find it.<br />
We ended up in the apartment in the FH ward but we knew that was where we needed to be.<br />
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Then FH lost part of their ward when they made GW. We ended up in GW after 4 months. That was hard because Foothill was so open and loving. Such a change after hard times in Montana. GW ended up being AWESOME. 2.5 years we were there. <br />
It was funny too because not long after we moved here we started looking at houses to buy we kept being drawn to the houses where we are now. At first I thought no way, they are in the other ward and I'm not switching wards.<br />
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Our area that we are in now was moved into GW at the same time the apartment was. Funny stuff. So we got to live where the Lord directed us AND stay in our ward.<br />
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Now our homes are in the first ward. Today was our first meeting with them. IT was good. We had sacrament meeting and then a cookie social. We met lots of people.<br />
It's funny. 3 wards, 3 years. and we are back in the ward we wanted to be in. Yet we have loved every minute of our other wards. We have been were the Lord wanted us each time. You will never be wrong if you go where HE wants you to go.<br />
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The other funny thing? this week we will have someone staying with us who is going through testing with the Department. just about 4 years ago Husband stayed with a Bishop and his family here to do the EXACT same thing.<br />
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And not to be forgotten. Our Amazing teacher and our 504 team got Son on a 504. Now all the things his teacher does for him will carry over to next year and the next.... And the District is redoing the way the hand out 504's so hopefully this one wont be ripped away from us like the last one was.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-2243168543114307482015-12-19T07:18:00.002-08:002015-12-19T07:18:47.467-08:00For Good<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/SEdnIvnCko8" width="480"></iframe><br />
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A week or so ago I was substituting at a school and I got to attend the choir/ band assembly. The Choir sang this song. It was amazing. It was the first time I had ever heard the song. I have been thinking a lot about it since.<br />
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I do believe Certain people come into our lives for good. <br />
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A few months ago we helped some new neighbors move in. They have been a whole lot of good in our lives. They helped us out in a time of need. Also they not on purpose introduced me to someone else who also has changed our lives for the better. She has helped us through the process with the school district this year. Her help has been invaluable. We are forever grateful for Heavenly Father bringing these people into our lives.<br />
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Our Son's teacher this year is another one. She has inspired him in so many ways. Ways that she may never fully understand though she is starting through our IEP meetings and stuff to hear what a difference she is making. She is making a difference in my life too in many ways.<br />
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The friends that I made through my first bout with PostPartum depression, they were brought into my life for good.<br />
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Travis' grandma.<br />
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My friend that I met through her facbook post on a garage sale site asking for the name of the local Bishop. We wouldnt have made it through last year without her.<br />
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All the amazing people that I have met through the Addiction recovery program.<br />
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My new friends that brought their families over to share thanksgiving with us.<br />
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My few friends in the last place we lived. The ones that I walked with, the ones that brought travis home from his military training for Christmas, the one that was there and would pop over last minute when I have a paralyzing reaction to meds while pregnant, then jumped in and saved the day when the little one was born. and again when she cut her chin open and I had to haul her to the ER. The one that was there to talk to when I needed it.<br />
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All of these people were brought into our lives by tender mercies shown to us by our heavenly father.<br />
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I am so grateful for them and many more. Thank you for being an amazing part of my life.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-60368402495112670992015-12-06T15:55:00.001-08:002015-12-06T16:06:10.521-08:00LifeI think I am suffering from a bad bout of seasonal depression again. It started back in late September. It got really bad by October. I started on some stuff for it. It started to get better especially after I cleared up one of the huge things that was bugging me.<br />
Then I got sick. I firmly believe in the power of alternatives for meds. Vitamins, Oils, herbs, Craniosacral therapy.<br />
I know there are a lot of people who hate me for my refusal of drugs some of them will read this and I'm sure I will catch it but I don't really care. I react to them all and sometimes the reactions just aren't worth it.<br />
I also believe in moderation in ALL things. So when I got sick and the sickness got bad enough I couldn't breathe I made a choice I quit the oils I was using for mood and switched to ones For lung and other immune issues.<br />
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The depression started to get out of control again. But not as bad as it has been just bad enough. The anxiety has been terrible too. I am better so I'm back on my mood stuff. It's slow and 1 step forward a couple back. But it's improving. Thankfully trough it all I have been able to continue with the spouse group. Since my attendance there goes in spurts with the husbands work schedule.<br />
It has helped so much it is the place where I feel like people get it. <br />
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Someone told me the other day that she fully believes God answers prayers through people and other means.<br />
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I know this. I have seen it so often.<br />
Just recently, It's the friend that takes you aside and says you need a hug and gives you a big old hug and hangs on while you cry.<br />
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The comments from people when they read a post<br />
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The person who randomly says "I Love you."<br />
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The kids who finds you STILL in bed and comes and curls up next to you for a little while.<br />
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Through it all this time though I have prayed. Always before I have given up on Prayer. I have given up on my Father in Heaven and my Brother Jesus Christ.<br />
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I know the atonement has and will continue to carry me through. I am forever grateful for the Atonement and what our group/book has taught me about the Atonement.<br />
I am grateful I am in a place where I can talk about it now because talking about it helps.<br />
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Today in Church we were talking about the manifestations of the Love of God.<br />
They are everywhere. Some call them blessings, some tender mercies, some random coincidences.<br />
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Whatever you call them they are there and they are your Father in Heaven, and your Brother Jesus Christ showing you through the Spirit that you are loved.<br />
Adding to my list above:<br />
The stroke. 1 year and 5 months ago. About 1 year and 6-7 months ago I told husband that we were done. I was done. It's taken some time but he has changed so much. This time I think the changes are deep, real, and here to stay. <br />
Not too long ago I took a picture of him sleeping under a pink princess blanket on the couch. I posted it on facebook. I didn't realize until then how much over the last year I have become thankful for him. I told someone a month or so ago that I was starting to like him again. and I am.<br />
It's because of the Stroke he had. It's because of the group he attends. It's because of the Atonement of my Savior.<br />
It's because of a tender mercy given to us by our Father in Heaven.<br />
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I am grateful to be where I am right now. I don't know why I am back here. I hate feeling how I do I thought with all I have been through with depression, anxiety and everything I wouldn't ever have to come back here. But here I am. I wonder what I didn't learn before. I hope I learn it this time whatever it is.<br />
These are some amazing songs that have helped.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-89492232595290376652015-11-10T19:46:00.000-08:002015-12-06T15:57:17.489-08:00Be Still My Soul<br />
I conduct the music for the congregation in our Sacrament meeting each Sunday. In music when you are conducting, playing or singing there is measures (the vertical lines between the notes) each measure has a certain amount of counts in it. The start of each measure is usually the down beat. It is the strongest played, and sung. There is supposed to be a power there. I probably am not explaining this right and might make my music friends mad but it makes sense to me...<br />
Anyway the down beat is the most important.<br />
When I was conducting instead of merely singing Be Still My Soul the down beats stuck out to me. Why? because first off the song starts off on a rest. Them half of the measures, the down beat the most important beat start out on a rest. <br />
Why? I pondered this for a while.<br />
The answer is in the song. Be still my soul. On the most important parts of life you need to be still. And listen to the Still small voice. Take a moment to pause and listen. Especially if you are praying for an answer. Take that moment when it is most important and for a moment be still. <br />
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I'm not sure if I can copy and paste the lyrics because it says thy aren't to be copied without express permission of the owner, which I don't have. so here is a link to the lyrics<a href="https://www.lds.org/music/text/hymns/be-still-my-soul?lang=eng">https://www.lds.org/music/text/hymns/be-still-my-soul?lang=eng</a> Audio : <iframe width="420" height="315" src="<a href="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hqgC1tqifV8">https://www.youtube.com/embed/hqgC1tqifV8</a>" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> I'm trying to remember to do this while I ponder where we are at in life right nowIt's been a hard last few months. <br />
The husband's job is changing. Trying to sort rumors from facts is hard especially when those in charge aren't giving much information. <br />
We are fighting to get a kid on an IEP. Still. Same story different school.<br />
He has struggled until the last month. Changing schools was hard on him. Harder in some ways than we thought it would be. <br />
Harder for him, and harder for us. We would not have made it this far into the school year without the help of his amazing teacher. <br />
We are again at that point where we aren't sure where to go or what to do. Of course part of our decision hangs on the fact that we are still waiting for a group of people to decide what they are going to do with our kid. What decisions they are going to make regarding him. <br />
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We have a group of people that keep telling us that they can't turn him down. that we have all our ducks in a row, we have diagnosis' they cant reject him. it's against the law.<br />
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It's a hard place to be in though. If they reject us how hard do we push back? How many people do I make angry in the process? I already have his old principal and others at the old school mad at me and now I don't get chosen to work in their school because I pushed back. I talked to the district for clarification and the district pushed. <br />
Do I make another principal mad at me and get turned away from another school?<br />
Do I fight for my son?<br />
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If I do fight for him why am I fighting for him? To prove I am a good parent? To help him? Am I fighting because no one fought for me?<br />
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This all has dredged up a ton of old feelings and emotions. All the times that people told me that I was stupid for thinking something was wrong with my son. All the times that I was told that I was looking for something that wasn't there. that I was pushing too hard to find someone that would confirm that something was wrong with him. That I only wanted something to be wrong with him because there is something wrong with me.<br />
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So again. Why am I fighting? because he needs me to, or I need me to so I can prove myself right?<br />
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I hate IEP meetings. They sit you at this huge table with all these highly educated people and you are a stupid college drop out. then they hand you papers to read. Oh ya, papers that if read at home where you weren't looked at and waited for would take you 30 minutes or more to read. the first time. then you likely would have to read them again a time or 2 to truly absorb what they are saying. They want to read it all right there and ask questions. I hate it. I don't read that well or that fast. They don't have 30+ minutes to sit there and wait for me to read it. <br />
I hate that I cant fight for my son simply because I myself am a dyslexic and the more stupid I feel crowded into the room the less my brain will let me read or let me understand. It's truly frustrating. Then they start throwing all these things at you. asking for examples, specifics. Which ya I can come up with but that's the other downside of my dyslexia. Times and places and situations don't go hand in hand for me especially under stress. I'm to busy trying not to sound stupid that I end up sounding stupid. Then he doesn't get the help he needs because I cant get them to understand what he needs. <br />
And I fail my son. Again.<br />
Add to the fact that I am failing my daughter too.<br />
Just ask her teacher. Parent teacher conferences for her were a huge blow. I haven't yet recovered fully from it.<br />
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So all this has been going on in my mind all day and all night lately all this and more. I have been trying to get on top but the more I try the more I fail.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-28241018750355610362015-09-12T08:39:00.003-07:002015-12-06T15:57:33.631-08:00AnswersSo in June Husband was gone for 3 weeks. While he was gone I could not contact him. He could contact me, but not me him. When he could contact us time was minimal and the kids got to go first.<br />
During this time our city flooded several times in several places. My basement leaked. I had no spouse to really talk to about all the options to fix it. I called in 5 contractors. one never showed one said he couldn't do it, one said he wouldn't do it. so that left me with 2. and both had VERY different ways of fixing the issue. <br />
I prayed.<br />
I made a choice.<br />
I prayed.<br />
I second guessed that choice.<br />
I prayed.<br />
<br />
I never really got a firm answer. <br />
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I made my choice.<br />
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After the work was done I was happy. I knew I had made the right choice.<br />
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In the middle of all the basement fun our second car broke. It failed to go into reverse. I got computer codes read. Came home and googled the codes. The codes were scary. The cost of repair was going to be as much as the value of the car. we owed more than the car was worth.<br />
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We battled with this one for awhile. almost 3 months.<br />
We prayed.<br />
We made a decision.<br />
we prayed.<br />
decision stood on a very unstable foundation.<br />
we prayed.<br />
we second guessed.<br />
Another decision made<br />
More prayer.<br />
Back and forth round and round.<br />
More information received,<br />
More prayer<br />
More changing decisions.<br />
<br />
We posted it fr sale for less than we owed.<br />
we got call after call on it. What's wrong EXACTLY. how low iwll you go? How do I get it here? (Because no one local wanted it so it had to be towed out of state)<br />
I'll think about it and work on it and get back to you.<br />
Never to be heard from again.<br />
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Prayer.<br />
Waiting.<br />
listening.<br />
decision making.<br />
second guessing.<br />
<br />
Another call. Same story. a week goes by. nothing. more days go by. nothing.<br />
<br />
same dude calls again. he wants to make a deal his message says. I text him. He responds. more questions more pics wanted. I send him what he wants. He wants to paypal me money and meet me in halfway with it on the back of a tow truck. If he likes it he will pay the rest in cash and take it home.<br />
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Instead I called my mom. She agreed to have it towed on her 200 mile towing plan. So we arrange it. 3 hours on the phone between my mom, dude that wants my car more than me and the towing company.<br />
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I still don't feel like I have received an answer that this is the right course of action.<br />
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3 hours later we cant get a tow truck until between 7 and 8 am. we will get a call around 7.<br />
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730 am next day rolls around. no call. I call towing plan company they are confused they say it got towed last night. I say no it didn't no one could do it YOU told me that. He looks through notes, ah yes he says. I'll call a tow truck. 45 minutes later he calls. Tow truck will be there around 930 Nick from M company is going to tow it.<br />
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Great.<br />
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Still no assurance that this is the right thing.<br />
<br />
More phone calls and more text to dude that wants it more than me.<br />
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Calls from Nick M company.<br />
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Knock on door. Dude wearing orange vest says hey I'm Nick. We towing this white one? Yes I say. Ok it needs to be on street, we can push it out he says. I said no it's on a hill I can roll it out and pull it forward.<br />
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Ok. I see his truck says W company. whatever I think. we have weird things like that in town anyway. We discuss his route because towing plan company says the route is 244 miles they want to go off the interstate, onto a state road then onto a something else road back to the interstate. He says no way, he will stay on the interstate and save me 70 miles.<br />
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Great.<br />
<br />
He loads my car.<br />
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Still not sure I'm doing the right thing.<br />
<br />
He gets ready to leave and another tow truck rounds the corner. It says M company. Dude says hey, I'm nick from M company you called someone else? I suddenly realize THIS was the EXACT voice I have heard on the phone 3 times this morning.<br />
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I say um, no dude showed up said hi, I'm nick. I thought he was you.<br />
<br />
Nick from M company calls towing plan company.<br />
Towing plan company confused again.<br />
They say M company has to tow it.<br />
Nick and Nick meet.<br />
both nicks talk to towing plan dude.<br />
Towing plan dude says M company gets the job. M Nick says are you sure? It's loaded up on the other truck already. I'm sure says plan dude.<br />
<br />
So first Nick unloads my car. Second Nick loads it<br />
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Now I am REALLY not sure I am making the right decision.<br />
<br />
Nick from M company leaves with my car on his truck. He promises to take the interstate.<br />
<br />
an hour later Dude that wants it more than me calls and says listen, this is insane. It's already been on 2 tow trucks this morning, why make it 3? I freak out thinking he is backing out.<br />
He says just tow it to my mechanic shop. I'll look at it, if I like it I'll pay your bank.<br />
No I say. I want it at my parents house until you pay. I cant be 200 miles away only having talked and texted and have you take my car.<br />
<br />
Ok he says I will go pay your bank. When I am done you reroute the truck.<br />
<br />
Ok I say.<br />
Now I'm really sure I just got screwed and failed at decision making 101.<br />
<br />
Bank calls me 30 minutes later. She says hey dude just came in and gave me 3,000 and I gave him a bill of sale and a title.<br />
<br />
SWEET.<br />
<br />
I call Nick. No answer.<br />
He calls me back.<br />
Send me address he says.<br />
I text him address.<br />
then I text him and ask if he would be so kind as to remove my plates and bring them back.<br />
Sure he says.<br />
<br />
I'm still not sure we made the right decision.<br />
<br />
In the mean time I am out running errands.<br />
I come home to an empty driveway.<br />
For the first time in months I feel relief.<br />
<br />
Now everytime I come home to an emty driveway I feel it.<br />
My answer.<br />
<br />
Sweet. Blessed. Relief. Relaxation. For the first time in MONTHS.<br />
<br />
I still owe the bank for a car that we dont own. Sweet relief.<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
All this to say (and I hope you got this far) Sometimes our blessings and answers dont come without a trial. They dont come sometimes until we have made the steps, done the work, completed the task. Sometimes we have to prove to our Father that we are willing to do something. We have to do what needs to be done if we had the answer in the first place. <br />
<br />
If you arent getting an answer start working toward the goal.<br />
Sweet. Blessed. Answers.<br />
<br />
There are some that feel we made the wrong decision. I dont care what you think. I never have. I care what my Father in Heaven thinks.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-11076049325198477102015-02-19T10:54:00.001-08:002015-12-06T15:57:57.020-08:00Who's on the Lord's side?Ugh. So I thought I had learned my lesson last time when I kept having the prompting to sign up for life flight insurance and I didn't so we didn't have it when we needed it.<br />
<br />
Apparently I didn't Several days ago at Parent Teacher Conferences for the Littlest (she goes to preschool still at the Child Development Center a place for kids with special needs) there was a guy there with a table. I felt drawn to the table bit waved it off. all 3 kids were with us, we had a conference to go to... The guy even talked to us and tried to attract us to his table. We didn't go.<br />
<br />
I haven't slept since. Literally! It has sucked! I finally asked my Heavenly Father why I wasn't sleeping. Today I realized that I have been waiting and watching for that guy to come back to the CDC with his table. <br />
Also as a back track side note, The Boy has been struggling again with school. We had again at the beginning of this year requested that he be tested again for Dyslexia. We were again denied and not only that we lost our 504 plan for him. I wasn't really ok with that but with the things they said and with the summer we had and all the fighting I have done for him through the years I just gave up. I thought we would let it ride out and see where it went.<br />
<br />
It's been going downhill. Slowly, ever so slowly. But it has really been in our faces the last month or so.<br />
<br />
He tried to get into quest, a program for advanced kids. He didn't get in. We called the lady in charge, she said he didn't finish the tests. So they have a round about way of getting in through an IQ test. We know his IQ is high because years ago it was tested as part of the ADOS test for Autism. so it was tested again. His IQ is 133. Well through the course of this we found out he got every single one of the Quest test questions right, of the ones he answered anyway...<br />
<br />
He has talked to me lately about struggling in school. It hurts because I always struggled. But I felt like I was out of options. The Principal, the diagnostician, the nurse all said they didn't think he needed testing for a learning disability because they didn't see it. Even though his P's 3's and 5's are all still backwards and he puts a capital D all the time even when it needs a low d. I asked him why the other day. He said because the big D is easy to remember which way it goes so he uses that instead.<br />
<br />
the people in our 504 meeting stated that because they aren't always backwards then it's just a matter of lazy habit. because he knows they are backwards and he will put them forwards sometimes. So we just need to keep pointing it out and correcting it and he will get into the habit of doing it right.<br />
<br />
Lately I have thought a lot about homeschooling because the system is failing my child. I haven't though because I have felt that that isnt our answer, that we would be running away. Don't get me wrong I am NOT saying that homeschooling is running away. I have homeschooling friends and family and that works for them and that is fantastic. They are doing what they need and I admire and respect them. It's just for us that isn't the answer. Someone needs to stay and fight the system from the outside as much as we need those fighting the system from the outside by homeschooling. <br />
<br />
So back to where we were at the beginning.<br />
The guy at the table. Today I felt like the answer to my not sleeping was staring me in the face and I had to find it. There was the guy at the table at drop off today. I fought with the spirit still! UGH! I didn't want to stop, I had to go to Zumba this morning. Stop anyway. So I did. I thought why am I here? The Littlest has all she needs we are confident with where she is at. I looked at his pamphlets. Picked up one on learning disabilities, another on Autism, a third on sensory disorders. Then it hit me. This table isn't for The Littlest, it's here for The Boy. I am to talk to this man about The Boy. DUH! Wow. So I did. Turns out this man is the parent liaison for the school district. Mostly there to help those of us at the CDC get what we need to transition to the school district. But he is also there for the kids who are being failed by the school district. his boss is second in command of Special services at the District level. I told him a little of our story. I told him about Quest testing, the IQ testing, the repeated requests for Dyslexia testing and the repeated denial even though I have submitted a request in writing. Yadayadayada. Guess what we have now? We have a meeting scheduled with the special Ed department at the District office.<br />
<br />
Who's on the Lord's side? I am. We are. We have been praying about the school situation, the discouraged child. The Lord led me to the person/people that can help. I had given up. Not anymore. This mama bear is back and she has her advocacy pants on. Watch out! Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. I know this is where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to pursue at this time. I know because my Heavenly Father has led me to the man at the table. Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. As we read in Mathew 11 <a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="28" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; font-family: Palatino, Pahoran, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </a><span class="verse" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">28 </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">¶Come</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">unto me, all</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span class="clarityWord" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; font-style: italic; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">ye</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">that</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">labour</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">and are heavy laden, and I will give you</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;"> </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "pahoran" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px;">rest.</span></span><br />
<div class="highlight" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: Palatino, Pahoran, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/scriptures/nt/matt/11.29">
<span style="background-color: white;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="29" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </a><span class="verse" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">29 </span>Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.</span></div>
<div class="highlight" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: Palatino, Pahoran, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/scriptures/nt/matt/11.30">
<span style="background-color: white;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="30" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </a><span class="verse" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">30 </span>For my yoke <span class="clarityWord" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-style: italic; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">is</span> easy, and my burden is light. (https://www.lds.org/manual/new-testament-gospel-doctrine-teachers-manual/lesson-10-take-my-yoke-upon-you-and-learn-of-me?lang=eng)</span></div>
<div class="highlight" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: Palatino, Pahoran, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2000007629395px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/scriptures/nt/matt/11.30">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-53240635940447350332014-12-14T18:52:00.000-08:002015-12-06T15:58:12.253-08:00Being thankful in all thingsTonight we talked about Principle 7 (in our new book they are principles not steps) https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families/7?lang=eng<br />
<br />
We talked about ways to see the hand of the Lord in things.<br />
<br />
A few days ago The Hubs asked me when we signed papers on the house. I told him December 9th. He asked me if that wasn't the same date that we had signed the lease on our apartment in Montana. I told him that it indeed was.<br />
<br />
Coincidence?<br />
Maybe.<br />
I don't think so though. 6 years ago we took a bold move. After feeling prompted to leave California for awhile we took a huge leap of faith and moved our little family across the country. we went from a couple hours from the Mexican border to a couple hours from the Canadian border. a whole different climate, a different time zone, a place neither of us had ever been in. Neither of us had ever been in the State. We hadn't heard of the city before either until his sister went to school there. She was the only person that we knew, and she wasn't going to be there long at all after we finally got there. We were going from huge Metropolis to small secluded town, a town were people drive for 3 hours just to shop at Walmart because that is the closest one they have. We went from a million people around us to 30,000 in our city and some of the outlying area.<br />
We were told to not do it. We were crazy to do it. But yet we felt like that was where we needed to go what we needed to do.<br />
We had a son who had many struggles. We were told we were crazy to leave a place so rich with Doctors, specialists, hospitals.<br />
We knew we were crazy to do it too. <br />
<br />
Yet we did.<br />
Why?<br />
Because we felt like that is what God told us to do.<br />
<br />
IT was hard.<br />
It was COLD. literally 100 degree temperature change.<br />
It was a blessing.<br />
All those specialists we saw in California? All those doctors that we went through trying to find answers? They gave us none. In our little tiny town where we signed our life away to thousands in student loans, HUD housing, Medicaid, food stamps. We gave our life to God and let Him do what He would with it. Our little tiny town gave us answers. Our son and daughter and myself improved greatly from the answers that the medical doctor we had gave us. She lead us to so many great people that helped our son become who he is today. People who gave us answers, who pulled him out of the world of Autism that was sucking him deeper and deeper in.<br />
<br />
Did I mention that it was hard though? IT was hard being so far away from anything that we knew. It was hard going into such a small place. It was hard to be so cold. It was hard to live in HUD housing. To live off of student loans, and food stamps and be on medicaid. To be judged so harshly by so many people for "choosing" that route. To be looked down upon for not "just getting a real job" even though we had put in thousands of job applications.<br />
<br />
Then 4.5 years later we left there and FINALLY moved here. We waited and worked for a job for 3 years after getting through with school. We questioned, we pleaded, we yelled at our Heavenly Father. WE begged, we bargained, we sat back and waited while doing all we could.<br />
<br />
9 months here in an awful apartment with a terrible landlord we bought our first house signed on the same day that we signed our lives away 5 years before.<br />
We appreciated our house from the day we got it.<br />
But putting together the dates made me appreciate it more and realize that much more how much of a blessing it is for us. Truly a gift from our Heavenly Father. And to be able to have kept it through our hardships of this summer is truly a blessing. Not only to have kept it but to now have made a huge improvement to it and to have paid off so much of the debt we accumulated this summer.<br />
<br />
a coincidence?<br />
NO! and Blessing. The hand of God in our lives.<br />
<br />
Where has God been in your lives recently? He has been there. I promise.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-31592982969921231822014-10-01T20:30:00.001-07:002015-12-06T15:58:43.688-08:00quote<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Deseret book posted this on their face book page today. Or another day maybe, but someone liked it and it showed up in my face book feed today. <br />
<br />
So before I posted that I am not sure what to do at this point in my life/ situation. A couple of weeks in out new book (that the last post also talked about) there was a section on support. It talked about using your ecclesiastical support, and asked questions about what support you needed more of and what not.<br />
So I went to see my Bishop. It was amazing. Then I came home and saw this. I feel like I have been heard and validated now. I have no more answers. But I do know my Bishop is aware of my feelings, and thoughts. As is My Heavenly Father. I may not have the answers right now, but that's ok. If He can part the red sea he can help me.<br />
I didnt expect much from my Bishop because really I had no questions. He didn't give me answers. I didn't expect any answers because really, there are none. but there is a path through this, I just have to ask to be led to it.<br />
What I did get from my conversation with my Bishop was comfort. Was knowing that I had communicated with my ecclesiastical leader my thoughts and feelings and now he knows where I stand and what I feel. He didn't know before. For all I know I am the first wife of an addict he has talked to, and now maybe he has something more to go on if he gets the opportunity to talk to another. and maybe something that was said in our meeting will be helpful to them. Maybe it will be helpful to him. I know the things that were said were helpful to me.<br />
I am so thankful for the inspiration we received to move here, and to stay in the Ward we were in when we decided to buy a house. I fell comforted in knowing that whatever decision is made and whenever it is made my Leader has some background and knows I went into this decision with faith and prayer. I know he will be behind me no matter what. and now that I have spilled my guts I can talk to him again and it will be easier, and maybe there will be answers, maybe there won't be. Who knows.<br />
I'm comfortable with that. It's a good thing. For now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-29858518264371562512014-09-26T20:45:00.000-07:002014-09-26T20:45:02.627-07:00New book.I feel bad because it's been 8 weeks since a new manual was released (I think 9 or 10 actually). So much has happened this summer and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it and struggling with what to do from here on out with all that happened and all that I learned. Some of it was good, some bad, some major.<br />
<br />
The husband had a stroke (way too young to have one, he was 32) He survived through the Grace of our Heavenly Father. That was the major.<br />
I'm not going to talk about the bad, but it happened and is continuing and I don't know what to do about it, except pray for light and knowledge on what to do.<br />
<br />
The good? We had a friend drive my kids, my dad and myself down to the Hospital my husband was life flighted to. I don't think I was in a place to be able to do so. It was really a wonderful thing that he was able to do so for us.<br />
<br />
When I called to try and find a babysitter while I ran hubs to the hospital I couldn't find one. So I posted on the Relief society page and left. not too long later I got a text from someone in the ward saying they were going taking my kids to the park. (I had left them with my dad, but he wasn't able to care for them long term another story for another day.)<br />
<br />
I got in touch with my Relief Society President when we found out he would be life flighted 200+ miles away.<br />
She went to my house and helped my dad pack and get in touch with my mom. then she packed stuff for my kids, and I packed for me. She helped me gather food for us and get us all in the car.<br />
<br />
She took note of my horribly messy house. The overflowing laundry baskets, the breakfast and lunch dishes on the counters, table, sink. The mud tracked clear through the house. the bathroom sink caked in mud because everyone had washed their hands in it. The fabric from sewing 3 Elsa dresses scattered about my room and all the pattern pieces strewn about. <br />
<br />
She organized a team to clean my house. It was amazing.<br />
<br />
Feeling prompted to go to kmart instead of walmart when one of the girls was desperate for a new swim suit and finding a dozen boxes of cereal that my kids could eat (we have several food allergies here) marked down to 30 cents a box. not finding a swim suit on clearance so having to go to another store anyway, but I didn't care at that point!<br />
<br />
The swim teacher at the Rec center who let my kids into swimming lessons anyway because she understood why I couldn't call on the one day that they have sign-ups.<br />
<br />
The never ending prayers from friends. Christians, Athiests, non christians. We had lots of faiths praying for us. It was amazing.<br />
<br />
The Bishop who was there for us when we needed him.<br />
<br />
The Aunt and Uncle who dropped what they were doing, picked up a cousin and drove to the Hospital to meet the hubs there and wait with him and give me updates while we traveled down there.<br />
<br />
Feeling the Love of my Father in Heaven and knowing that no matter what happened I would be ok. My children would be ok. Maybe not right away but we would be.<br />
<br />
The sod that got laid by people from Church, from the neighborhood. Who came together in a time of need.<br />
<br />
The people who helped us push a car into the driveway because it was dead on the street and had to be moved.<br />
<br />
The neighbors who have lent us their lawnmower several times this summer.<br />
<br />
The new manual. The new direction it takes. The new program and the direction it takes. The new people coming to our meetings. The old people coming back to our meetings.<br />
<br />
So many many blessings we have had this summer.<br />
<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
And now for a link to the new program. Some groups have copies of the book. Ours does, someone copied and pasted and re formatted to make it look nice while we wait for it to come off the printer and be shipped out.<br />
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families?lang=eng<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-51292550819942137752014-05-21T19:10:00.003-07:002015-12-06T15:58:57.267-08:00I know that was you God!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love this pic and I have felt like this a few times recently. It's nice to have this feeling. We went on a family vacation a couple weeks ago. It was so nice. No melt downs, no fits. The little one did get scared of bugs in the bathroom and had to sleep in our room the whole trip and several days after but that was the only snaffu. <br />
<br />
We started working in the yard. It's overwhelming. So much needs to be done. We have a little grass. Little patches here and there, clumpy, terrible. It's never going to fill in so it all needs to come out. we had about 4 dozen huge paving stepping stones that needed to come out. a whole bunch of rock on the side of the house. All are ant havens. And spiders. All needed to come out so our child could enjoy being outdoors. Since she has panic attacks over bugs. We have already found ants. <br />
Even though the yard work is overwhelming we feel blessed to be able to have a yard to work in. And the time and ability to do it.<br />
<br />
The AC is broken and in the process of trying to see if the AC was a fuse we found the heater not turning on either. ARGH.<br />
<br />
So I was outside trying to figure out what to do with the yard and where to start ( after 3 hours of both of us already working out there) I sighed and looked up and sorta said a prayer, just sorta thinking out loud. I just said, how do we get this done?<br />
<br />
I had this instant thought, there are people out there willing to do the work for free, these are expensive rocks. So I took some pics, posted on the garage sale facebook page and bam, I had a dozen people wanting to dig them out and haul them away. My first thought was, right... I will go through them all it will take 3 weeks and maybe some will go.<br />
<br />
Nope! One said she could come last night to look. an hour after she got here she had most of them stacked and ready to haul. a few minutes later the majority of them were gone. So I contacted person 2. there is some left you can come when you want in the next couple of days and take a look. 5 minutes later she was out front. She was stunned at the rock we were giving away. She was so willing to haul it away and dig it all out at no cost to either of us. She was so excited and felt very blessed at my generosity. While I felt very blessed at HER generosity. Within an hour (I was shocked at her speed!) she had her brother in law here and they had hauled it all away. Another person had come in the interim and took a few rocks. Seriously In the matter of a few hours with ease and little work on my part so much got done. Ants are packing up and moving out. So many people were blessed. The one person that had been so amazed had been needing a rock wall but could not afford the rock and had been driving out to the desert to dig out rock there. We saved her SO much money. She saved us SO much back breaking work! How blessed we all were because of a simple prayer, that was only a half a prayer half just speaking aloud.<br />
<br />
The AC is now fixed. We asked around a little bit and the ARP lady that was filling in in the last meeting said oh my husband is an electrician, I will ask him. Sure enough he came over yesterday and tracked down the problem, a blown fuse. Unluckily though it blew again so he had to track down why. Luckily it wasnt hard. He found it easily and fixed the issue. We now have a working heater and AC and yes, where we live we might need both in a week. :)<br />
<br />
I have been working on becoming a sub para for the school district. IT has finally happened. I am starting that on Friday. and I have a friend who will watch the little one for a good price. It works for the family because it gives me experience back in the school without taking away too much from my primary duty in the family as Mom. That is and always will be my primary duty, and I am fine with that. We don't NEED the money I will bring in though it will be nice. So I can work when I want, and still do the fun things like go with the kids on field trips, go to the gym, go to play groups, all that fun stuff. Be home when the kids are sick, be home to help with home work, help with dinner...<br />
<br />
So yes, sometimes I look up, smile and say, I know that was you God! Thank You!<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-84781320074453957562014-03-29T20:50:00.000-07:002015-12-06T15:59:31.855-08:00Gumball machineThere was an article in the April 2014 Ensign magazine published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints entitled Beyond the bubblegum machine (read the full article here https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/04/beyond-the-bubblegum-machine?lang=eng)<br />
<br />
It was fantastic. She talks about how many people see Church and serving God as a gumball machine. you put a penny in, you get a gumball. Or you put time in, going to church, reading scriptures, serving in a calling, reading scriptures... you understand. Then you get a blessing. Right? She goes through and explains how yes, that is true... but... the blessing may not always be what you want.<br />
<br />
If we always got what we wanted where would we be? What would be the point? We would all be spoiled rotten rich kids with an entitled attitude.<br />
That's not life.<br />
<br />
She herself at one point gave up on the church because all she ever wanted (married with a family) was not happening even after all her time given to the Lord.<br />
<br />
Then she learned that it shouldn't be about what you get for what you give. it should just be about giving to the Lord and trusting in His will and time.<br />
<br />
I thought about how much the article is akin to step 3. Trust in the Lord. The Lord knows what is best for us. and He will give us what we need when we need it, whether or not we get it when we want it. That means trials also.<br />
<br />
If life/ church worked like a gumball machine would we truly be happy? No we wouldn't. We need opposition. Look at what Adam and Eve and the lessons we learned from them. We have to have sorrow before we can know joy. We have to know Joy before we can know sorrow.<br />
<br />
Yes trials suck. Some more than others. And while it is hard while we are going through them we need to look for the joy and the lesson in them. If we are doing it right we will become stronger and better for our trials. <br />
<br />
Am I glad for some of my trials? no but one day I hope to be. Some of them I am glad for at least in part. Without having have suffered through severe Post partum depression and all the crap that came with that I wouldn't have met and worked with and loved some of the wonderful ladies that I did. Some of them years later here we are still face book friends. One of them I am really close to and she lifts me up constantly. Would I rather not have gone through that? YES! I would have. Did I feel at the time that it was undue for all that I was doing right? YES. Did I give up? Almost. Luckily The good Lord pulled me through with the help of a counselor, some wonderful online friends and some alternative doctors.<br />
<br />
Would I rather not be married to a recovering addict? Yes. But would I change it? Probably not. Because he IS recovering. He IS making progress and becoming a better person, and I and my children are too. and I have met some wonderful women (and some men who have served with their wives as group leaders) who have helped me and lifted me. More so than the ones who sought to tear us down for the trials that were given us.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today was the General Relief Society meeting, now I guess just the Womens meeting since they have expanded it beyond just the Relief Society. Can I just say I am PROUD to be a member of a church that uplifts and honors it's women in the way that ours does? It is fantastic. I love women's conference and my Church and my God, and his Son, my Brother Jesus Christ.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-16838935493438405602014-03-21T11:56:00.001-07:002015-12-06T16:00:57.803-08:00PrayerWe have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum. It is a challenge. There are times, long periods of time where he is "perfectly normal" and everything is smooth then he goes through weeks or months of time where he is off kilter and almost completely unmanageable. This last time has been pretty extreme. It started in December when we were packing up our apartment to move into our house. The fits, the meltdowns, the screaming and yelling and throwing things when he asks a question and doesnt like the answer. Or gets asked to do something he doesn't want to do. Or you simply ask him to choose between chocolate and vanilla and the question is just more than he can process at the moment. <br />
<br />
So in December we bought a house. Uprooted him from our apartment (his school stayed the same, though we weren't for sure it would at first, which was a hard thing for him, the not knowing) a new bus and new bus driver, new people on the bus a different drive, having to stop and let kids off at another school before going to his school...getting ready for Christmas vacation...<br />
That's a lot for one kid! <br />
<br />
Then come The return to school in January and his teacher is gone. She broke her ankle and they returned to a sub. 3 subs in the first week back to school before they settled on a long term sub.<br />
That's a lot for one kid.<br />
<br />
Then he started getting pushed around and hit by a kid at school.<br />
Then his bus driver died.<br />
<br />
How much more can one kid (and his parents and his siblings) deal with? The answer. No more. We were done after the first round.<br />
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Not being able to handle life anymore and the meltdowns weren't enough to help him blow off steam, he turned to lying and stealing.<br />
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Ya, we have had a lot to deal with since December. Besides stuff going on at the husbands work adding stress and emotions to the already volitile situation.<br />
<br />
How do you help your kid? One that doesn't understand a lot of simple things, but can grasp a lot of deep heavy stuff, but nothing on an emotional level.<br />
<br />
We turned to the school counselor for one. <br />
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For the other? We turned to God. At first when my husband brought it up I thought well it's not going to make that much of a difference. WE already pray as a family, we have the kids say their prayers, we read the scriptures. We are already doing that, turning to God. We are already asking for help, believing that it will come and we will get answers. how more can we turn to him?<br />
<br />
Well what we have started doing is praying one on one with each child, morning and night. Child prays, adult prays. times 3. then we have family prayer. It is amazing the difference. Do we still have melt downs? Yes. instead of 5-8 per day we are more like 1-5 per week. Huge difference. The other huge difference? our children are now turning to God. Their prayers are changing. They are grateful for different things, they ask for different things. They THINK to pray. they don't just think to pray. There is actually though that goes into it. They are talking with God. Even the 3 year old has picked up on and started changing things.<br />
<br />
My son started praying for his bully. Talking to him, telling him he didn't like that, talking to the teacher at school about it. Do you know the last time my son approached an adult without them talking to him first? It's been over a year. You know the last time he expressed emotion that wasn't an all out melt down? It's been over a year. <br />
<br />
Suddenly we add in extra one on one praying and the kid starts talking. Saying I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm sad... and adding a because. He gives hugs on his terms, he says goodbye to his sisters when he leaves for school, hugging and kissing them. he says I LOVE YOU! Him and the bully? they are now friends. <br />
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Amazing what such a simple thing can do. Do we still have issues and fights and problems? Yes. We are not a perfect family, nor are we in a perfect world. Can we handle them better? YES. yes we can.<br />
amazing what a little extra prayer can do.<br />
<br />
It's the little things.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-59003499660158136982014-01-07T18:22:00.002-08:002015-12-06T16:01:18.283-08:00StrugglingI am struggling again. With several things that I can't write here for varying reasons. But right now life pretty much sucks. I hate where I am and how I feel.<br />
<br />
One phrase that I hate is "God won't give you more than you can handle" I have always hated it. It has always rubbed me wrong. I could never put together in words why.<br />
My friend shared this blog post on Facebook today. This. This is what is wrong with that phrase.<br />
http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/<br />
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She worded this all so well. It was totally worth the read and the re-share here.<br />
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The Atonement needs to be used in these times of our lives. I am trying hard to lean on my Savior right now. Give Him the burdens my Heavenly Father has seen fit to hand to me.<br />
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Right now I don't know how things will turn out, what will happen. What I do know is that If He brought me to it HE will walk me through it. *If I ask Him and lean on Him.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-21194688213385163132013-08-04T19:20:00.000-07:002015-12-06T16:01:51.715-08:00Step 3It's not what step I am on, Still working through some further on, but right now at this time I need to look to step 3 to help me with my current step and with the things going on in my life.<br />
I love this step, it comes in handy and is something we all need to focus on, whether we are addicts or not. <br />
Trust in God, no matter how challanging the circumstance... your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. (Richard G. SCott "The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing" Ensign, May 2003)<br />
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"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"<br />
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You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him. <br />
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Continues submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning in our lives.<br />
(Step 3, Addiction Recovery Program : a Guide to addiction recovery and healing)<br />
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The reason you keep going to meetings is so that you can repeatedly review the steps while you are working on your own, because you learn more and new things, and you find things like this that helps you remember what you need to bring back in that you have lost along the way.<br />
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Recently I have forgotten that it isnt up to me to do it all, that I have help. I have help if I put my trust in God, and in the atonement of my Lord and Savior. With them I can do all things. I can get through this slump and rise higher than I was before falling into the slump.<br />
<br />
AND YOU CAN TOO!<br />
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Is it easy to put your trust in the direction of your life into the hands of God, for some, yes, for others, no. Let go and let God, life will be easier. Through Prayer, and through living close to the spirit and living right, thus allowing the spirit into your life, it is easier.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-82037956487432944382013-05-20T19:05:00.001-07:002015-12-06T16:02:20.233-08:00Hearts of the fathers...Today we buried my grandmother. It was sweet. She was 89 and lived a long wonderful life. She has wanted to go for oh so long. Her husband died 20 years ago. It was sad, but happy. Last week on my trek down there, it hit me I had never talked to her at all about dealing with addiction. I realized then that on the other side she would know and would be a great support for me in healing.<br />
<br />
As soon as it became apparent that I wasnt going to make it my sister called and held the phone to my Grandma's ear and I got to say good-bye. I asked her to watch over me and to help me. I know she will.<br />
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I know some who believe that once we get over to the other side we will be so busy preparing for the second coming of our Savior that we wont be paying attention to what goes on down here, especially not enough to come visit. (now they may be more thinking along the "ghost story lines... I have never clarified with them)<br />
My firm belief is that our ancestors are there on the other side and they are still with us when we need it. I have seen and felt my ancestors at times.<br />
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My Grandmother dealt with an addicted loved one. She knows what we go through. I learned today something that I had heard briefly a long time ago, learned in more depth that she had more of the same struggles that I have had. I fully believe as is talked about in the Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that we are to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers. As part of this I know that they are there to help us. lift us when we s tumble. and love us through it. ESPECIALLY if it is something that they have experienced. How else are we supposed to turn our hearts to each other if we are not helping one another?<br />
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I am grateful for my grandparents, all of them. for the love and strength they have given me.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-3795994498999970292013-05-16T13:34:00.001-07:002015-12-06T16:02:46.814-08:00Long timeIt's been a long time. Far too long. Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.<br />
<br />
I'm back. <br />
<br />
It's been a long few months. We moved, are trying to get settled. Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.<br />
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.<br />
<br />
I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things. Especially the little things.<br />
<br />
We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing. But it was hard, I last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her. We didn't make it. I almost turned around and came home. I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home. So we continued on.<br />
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I am forever glad we did. I was there with my dad when he needed me. It was a trying experience for sure. Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again. But it's ok. This is why we moved closer to family. <br />
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We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time. We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him. We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him. We fought long and hard for him. Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people. WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah... It has been a long road. Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time. If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.<br />
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We are now struggling with the littlest one too. Todays struggle dealt with them both. I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son. It was awful. I made him cry. I shocked everyone. <br />
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My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time. I said yes, so we went. I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.<br />
<br />
Then... God came in.<br />
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There was an almost 8 year old there playing. She got into it with my 2 year old. Mom stepped in. I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in. Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines. I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore. Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.<br />
<br />
So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it. Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body. Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it. I told mom that. We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes. Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him. I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it. I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.<br />
<br />
Their story was our story minus the therapies. She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us. They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting. So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed. I really think we both learned so much from our conversation. WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.<br />
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God is there. He has a plan, he is ready to help. Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself. But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide. Look for Him.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-75938891948333642792013-01-11T12:54:00.000-08:002015-12-06T16:03:04.453-08:00BlessingsSo it's been a hard month. Yesterday was a day from Hell. It just was. My house is a complete disaster I have been on the phone and the computer way more than usual, the kids are all upset and just get into EVERYTHING everyone is all out of sorts. Finally yesterday I lost it and yelled and screamed and threw a huge fit and left the house to a doctors appointment in tears after posting on Facebook that I was over the day and I was just fried and done and couldn't handle anymore. As I am walking out the door my neighbor comes up and says, Um I hit your car, but there is no damage. I go out there and yes, there is damage, she pushed the bumper off it's clips and it is on, but not well.<br />
<br />
Really?!? Really?!? I was to pissed to do anything about it, and late for an appointment and had to drive there while it was still snowing as it had been all day and we were in 5 inches of really wet snow.<br />
<br />
While at the doctors I was texting people. My brother said the bumper had to be fixed before out 1150 mile road trip to go look for a place to live in our new city, other wise at speed on the highway it could fly off. Of course that could cause an accident, even potentially kill someone. Right, I don't want that on my head. NO WAY.<br />
<br />
And my husband texts me and says by the way I am plowing the lot tomorrow (he works at the mall) I need to be in at 230 AM which means I get to be up with the kid in the middle of the night AND the early morning. Usually he does all that because without the sun I have to sleep.<br />
<br />
So we get home from the doctor and neighbor says, I will find a way to pay for or fix the damage, I don't know how but I will. I have no insurance and my car isn't even registered. *sigh* Why, WHY in the heck are you driving a car that is not registered or insured?!? FREAKING WHY.<br />
<br />
So come this morning. I take it down to a body shop to see about fixing it.<br />
He quoted me 60 to reattach the bumper or 560 to repaint and fix the ding from her licence plate screw.<br />
<br />
Well Knowing that she has no job, she hasnt paid her insurance on her car in who knows how long, she is driving illegally. We dont have any money. Our whole move is going on the credit cards, IF it will even fit on the credit cards until we get out tax refund...<br />
<br />
We are taking the 60.00 route. She says she will pay me before I move. I think she is sincere, but I can see it not happening. I can see it happening too though. She was honest enough to tell me that she hit me. I would have had no clue had she not told me. I would have noticed the damage, yes, but she didn't have to admit to it. She is grateful to me I am willing to take the 60 route and not the 560 one, and for that I think she will come up with the money. She is also grateful I am not reporting it to the police or the insurance since that would cost her a lot more in fines and whatnot.<br />
<br />
So some blessings from this. I had sent all 3 kids ages 7,5,2 down to the car to get in, giving my 7 year old the keys and telling him to get everyone in while I was still gathering stuff to get out of the house. They had not made it down the stairs yet when she hit me. What if they had been trying to get in the car while she was parking? They would have been hurt. They were safe because they were on the stairs.<br />
<br />
Travis going and doing the lots this morning he earned an extra 64.00 that will be on his next paycheck. Now we can pay for it if she doesn't pay us for it.<br />
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I needed some work done on my wedding ring. We have been putting it off. Finally he took it in today after we found out the van repairs would be reasonable. We want Morgan Jewlers to do the work, and he loves the people that work in the one at our mall. They have been fantastic to him while he has worked there. So we finally figured now or never, it till take at least a week for the work to be done, gotta do it now so I can have it back before we move. So he took it in. The manager decided to do the work for free. YAY!<br />
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The last couple of days I have been talking to one of the Relief Society Presidents in our new town. Our tiny town will have 4 wards and a college ward in it. I have been communicating with this one. She is lovely. I want to live in her ward. Anyway, she told me yesterday that all this crap is either the Adversary trying to keep us from going or the Lord trying to hold us back, though she felt because this move will better our lives and is a major progression for us that it was the adversary.<br />
<br />
With the other blessings that have come into play today and the realization that the kids could have been hurt and weren't I think it is the Adversary. <br />
<br />
The other small blessing was while the 2 year old did wake up at 1 this morning she happily went back to sleep in daddy's bed (he was on the couch so at 2 am he wouldnt bother me leaving) she RARELY goes right back to sleep, especially if she is in our bed. She did though and I was happy.<br />
<br />
Now to get the van fixed next week, praying that I can find time to take it in. I dont know where I will find the time. We are rarely busy, but my week next week is just so jam packed.<br />
<br />
And to pray that we find a place to live.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-1715581491307382782013-01-06T07:25:00.001-08:002015-12-06T16:03:34.803-08:00OverdueThere is a lot going on around here and basically I have been avoiding life as much as I can.<br />
<br />
I hate winter. I hate the cold, but worse, I hate the lack of sunshine. I have heard that Seattle gets more sun than we do in the winter. I believe it. This week has been odd in the fact that the sun has been seen twice! <br />
<br />
We like the area here, but really the lack of sun between October and May is hard. It is getting worse every year. This year has been terrible for me. Especially with ALL the changes.<br />
<br />
It's been hard.<br />
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We are moving, and this is a good thing. We need to leave here for more reasons than one. and we got a better job. A career job.<br />
<br />
Moving states is a daunting thing, especialy when many people wont deal with you across state lines (as far as renting a new place goes) it is too far to just go and look. We move on Feb 9th. We go look for a place to live Jan 30th to Feb 3. We put in our 30 day notice already so we have to leave on the 9th. I am trying hard to focus on step 3, trusting in God. We know this is the right decision. Some days are better than others.<br />
<br />
We have been mostly looking at renting a trailer/mobile/manufactured home. Whatever you want to call those things! I have heard all those names for them and people that live in them prefer to call them different things.<br />
Whatever they are all the same thing.<br />
<br />
Anyway I am rambling because I am avoiding.<br />
<br />
I realized I have a problem with living in a trailer. When talking to my son the other day the realization started, then yesterday it hit. <br />
We lived in a trailer with Grandma, who passed just over a year ago. There is this one that keeps staring me in the face. Everytime I go to look for a place there it is front and center. It is the same color as the one we lived in. <br />
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I loved Grandma. She was a wonderful woman that taught me so much about life, about living like Christ, about doing the things He would do. About following our Fathers plan in our lives. I am forever grateful for her love and example to me.<br />
<br />
So why am I having a hard time looking at trailers? Because I still am having a hard time with her death. I still miss her. I have not adjusted to her being gone, to her not there for me to email and call whenever I want.<br />
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I think also because of all the dark times there. It was a very dark time in my life. We had moved in there because we couldnt live where we had before because I couldnt be alone anymore. I was dealing with severe PPD. (Postpartum depression) I was having nearly constant images in my head. Violent gruesome images. I had so much self hatred over it. I was suicidal. And on top of it all I was dealing with everything to do with my husbands addiction.<br />
Grandma saved me. Not like an enabler or a codependant saves people, but like Christ saves people. Through pure love and example and making me want to heal me. <br />
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I think I am only afraid of living in a trailer, especially a similar trailer because I am hurting right now. The lack of sun is taking a huge toll on me. I am doing so many things to combat that, but there are so many other things going on now. It's just all too much, so I have been hiding, not facing anything and not dealing, not even acknowledging that feelings even exist.<br />
<br />
So there it is. I have feelings, they are there and I am going to deal with them now. Hopefully by the time we move and get settled wherever we get settled at I will be back on my feet and happy and healthy and ready to deal with life as my husband runs off to do his military requirements then as he comes home and leaves again to the Police academy.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-81805219771947864822012-11-13T19:05:00.002-08:002015-12-06T16:03:53.902-08:00Treasure boxes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am a believer in Energy. We are made of energy. Some call it Karma. I believe the two are "friends" with each other, but they aren't the same. Sort of like our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. All are 3 separate things, 2 of them having their own separate bodies and the third being a Spirit. in the end they all have the same goal, same heart and are very like minded, but all 3 are individual also. As is Karma and energy. <br />
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So I see a craniosacral therapist who not only has studied it deeply, and has taken many many courses on it, she also is a licensed counselor with a degree in psychology. She is also an RN. She is not LDS, but that does not mean she is not a spiritual person. She is very spiritual and very Christian. I love her so much. She has helped us and me so much to learn and grow and to heal.<br />
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Anyway, we had an awesomely powerful session today. Awesome. Backtracking a little bit, about a year ago we had another extremely powerful session. We worked a lot on my core and my heart, there was some blackness in there, we pulled it out, looked at it and defined it. We defined it as Fear, anger, hate. There were several people who shall remain nameless involved in some of or all of these things. It took us really about an hour to talk through and look at it all. Then she asked me where I wanted to put it because it needed to go somewhere. So I decided on a box. a walnut box taken from the heart of a walnut tree. Then I decided to put said box in a big hole under the walnut tree. Then I took the hole, the box and the tree and tossed them into the depths of the ocean.<br />
I could tell she didnt really think that is where it should all go, but she wasn't the one doing the healing, I was so she let me put it there.<br />
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I know now what she knew then, that I was ready to heal, yes, but only in part. Something inside of me wanted to hold onto that a little longer.<br />
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So here we are about a year year and a half later and I went back today for some random intense pain I have been having in my ligaments Random ligaments I rolled something in my leg the other day. I snapped my jaw real bad one day, my thumb randomly started hurting really badly, not a bone issue, but a tendon or ligament.<br />
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In the scriptures we learn time and time again about a phrase. "Turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children." and like I read in Mosiah tonight the sins of the fathers shall fall upon the children.<br />
What does this mean? Well to me it means if we are carrying something in this life energetically and we don't heal it and move on 100 % from it it will be passed on. If we are say an addict and we don't heal that we will pass it on to the next generation who will carry it and if they don't heal it it gets passed on again...<br />
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So anyway, backtracking again... A few years ago a counselor that we went to church with (the first counselor to counsel us as a couple and deal with the pornography addiction) talked to me about this hearts of the children/fathers thing. My mom had told me after I had healed from my postpartum depression that possibly my grandmother had suffered from it a time or two, she had many reasons to think it. She was never given the chance to heal from it (not that she suffered from it the rest of her life, just didnt get a full healing) so it got passed down. It was on me to heal it or pass it. The counselor then started with me on healing it. So did a kinnesiologist that I was seeing.<br />
Then my current Craniosacral therapist has helped me with this too.<br />
<br />
So back to today (wow this is turning out to be a long post, oh well it's my journal). Today we took all that fear, anger, postpartum depression, the need to self forgive, and the need to forgive others, and we asked 5 specific people involved ( energetically) to take all they had of whatever part of this they were involved in and put it with me into a box. This time when she asked me what box to put it in I came up with a treasure chest. at first I thought, really? that is stupid (especially since you have now seen what the chest looked like) but she had told me not to filter of fight anything, to just go with it. so I did. We put it all in there, the whole time thinking, that poor box, it was so pretty, fun and fancy free now it is holding this horrible burden that has spanned over many generations of my family, more than just the 2 I have already mentioned, clear back maybe 10 generations. of course it extended to some around me that arent even really my family.<br />
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A lot of the stuff that came up today was particulars that were brought out in my kinnesiology sessions, and counseling sessions dealing with the PPD. Stuff that her and I have never talked about, yet she picked them out and described them with me. There was things particular phrases that I have written down in my inventory that I did for step 4. Things that she wouldn't have known about because I have not told her.<br />
So anyway we put all my stuff in this box. We invited the other people involved to put theirs in this box too so that we could all heal together. As we put it in we asked for the healing light of Christ to fill the space.<br />
It was all just so amazing.<br />
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Then she asked God to come take the box, and we closed the session.<br />
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I asked her, you know why I chose a treasure box? She said, yes, but you tell me. hahaha. So I did. I told her I chose a beautiful treasure box because what was inside while dark and ugly could some day (soon) be opened and hold a beautiful treasure because all that bad could, in the hands of God become good to us, through healing.<br />
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Hopefully the things we discussed in depth that I only brifley glazed over here will be things that are healed and not passed on for anymore generations. I know that if I want them to, through God, and my Savvior Jesus Christ these things are possible!<br />
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What are you going to give up to God to have him make into a treasure for you?<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-84134750266341627802012-11-09T08:10:00.001-08:002015-12-06T16:04:10.638-08:00GratefulSo on Facebook I am doing what it seems like most people are doing and putting up a grateful post everyday. It has been a rough last month so I was hoping that it would help. It has, a lot. So I thought I would do more here.<br />
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I am grateful for my children. Each and every one of the three of them has a complete different personality and attitude about them. They are each individuals and have each taught me so much.<br />
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For my mom. We have had our struggles and differences, but no matter what she is always there. I am grateful for all the ways that I swore I would never be like her, and yet here I am in so many ways doing some of the same things. I do them because now I can see why she did them. Even though we HATED it. They were good or I wouldn't be doing them.<br />
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My dad. My dad has had so many issues in his health. Through most of them especially through the last few years he has laughed about them. Not because they are funny, and not because he is laughing to bury the seriousness of them. But because Anger doesn't change it for the better, it just makes it worse because it gets you down and keeps you down. Laughing about it helps to keep you up and be more positive. Keeps you going in a good direction, helps you to see and feel the spirit. Something I need to be more like.<br />
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MY siblings. They are each wonderful in their own way. We may get mad at each other, but again if one of us needs something someone is always there. I love that my brother is a nurse and I can call him when I need. I didn't realize how much I called him until he left to Afghanistan with the Air Force and I couldn't just pick up the phone and ask him a question about my kids.<br />
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I am grateful for my husband and the changes he has made, and that we are making together.<br />
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For the addiction recovery program. I love this program and think everyone should go through it!<br />
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For the ladies that come to our group. They are awesome. I am so glad I am not alone in our group anymore. I was alone for so long. It is wonderful to see their faces each week.<br />
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For the Gospel of Jesus Christ.<br />
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For His Atonement.<br />
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For Forgiveness.<br />
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For Love.<br />
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Healing.<br />
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My Father in Heaven and His patience with me.<br />
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For the Spirit.<br />
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For Guidance and direction of my Heavenly Father through the Spirit.<br />
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For my right to vote.<br />
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For the women who fought for my right to vote.<br />
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For my wonderful friend Kym. We have been email friends for going on 7 years now. We started because we met on an online forum for those suffering with Postpartum Depression and have been friends since. We are in separate parts of the country, but we still email almost daily for a long time each day. There have been many times where I don't know what I would have done without her.<br />
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I am grateful for my PPD that I suffered 3 times in varying degrees. I learned so much through my experiences. I met some lifelong friends also.<br />
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I am grateful my husband has a job. He doesnt make enough to support us, but at least he has a job that he works at. And soon he will have a different, better job that will provide for us.<br />
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I am grateful for the friends and family that I have. Most of them are wonderful :) The ones that arent so much are still in their own way and through them we still learn.<br />
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As much as my landlady annoys me and the rules of this place drive me batty, I still am grateful for her, and for the apartment we have to live in that the rent on it fluctuates as our income does. <br />
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For the Prophet Joseph Smith and his determination, and his Spirit.<br />
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For President Hinckley (who is now passed on) He was the first Prophet I truly knew and he was a wonderful and inspiring man.<br />
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For President Monson whom I have also grown to love.<br />
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For our current Quorum of the 12 Apostles. I Love listening to them in Conference I love some more than others but they all carry true messages to us from our Heavenly Father.<br />
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For the Bible and it's companion Scripture, The Book of Mormon.<br />
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For the Ensign Magazines, for The Friend and the New Era. For the Doctrine and Covenants.<br />
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For DoTerra Essential oils. I didnt get into the program to make lots of money selling them to people. I got into it to heal my family and to learn and grow. Anything else that comes from it is a side benefit. The last year using them have provided my family with lots of healing without all the negative reactions of western medicine.<br />
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I am grateful too though for Western Medicine, with it's drawbacks it still does have benefits.<br />
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I am grateful for my current doctor, Dr. Wolfe. She is fantastic. I love that she doesnt be little me because I dont always take her persctiptions and tell her it is because I am going to use oils, or homeopathics. Or be little me when I pass over a vaccine (though we still have done most of them) She has helped us in so many ways, listened to me and told me I was not crazy. Helped us fight for the diagnosis of Aspergers, and helped us fight for help for my son.<br />
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I am grateful for our diagnosing doctor, Dr. Cook who also took us seriously.<br />
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For the therapists we have had.<br />
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For Early intervention who started with us when he was 20 months old.<br />
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For my sons school (mainstream elementary) For the help they have given him to meet his goals. Everyone over there it seems has been involved. including the wonderful office manager.<br />
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For his wonderful therapists over at his school.<br />
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For the lady that runs the family recourse center at his school.<br />
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For those who finally listened to me and gave me the information I needed to get my son Gluten Free lunches at school.<br />
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For those who have helped us adjust to a GF diet.<br />
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For the Military service members past and present. I have many family members and friends currently serving or who have served. Including my husband.<br />
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I am grateful for those in our community who see him in uniform and thank him, we are in a community who detests the military, so it is nice to hear people thank him.<br />
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I could go on a little more but I will stop boring you and stop driving my daughter nuts because it is past 9 am when they are allowed to get on the computer and here I still sit :)<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-65105914482297821032012-10-22T12:17:00.000-07:002015-12-06T16:04:34.470-08:00One YearOne year ago today one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died. She died at one of the most horrible times too. My husband was gone off to Basic Training and was not able to attend the funeral. Luckily for me my mom was up here visiting when I got the news and she helped me hold it together long enough to contact the Red Cross to get a message to my husband, and to figure out how to get to the funeral, and find a sitter for my older 2 kids. I honestly dont know how I would have gotten through those first couple of days without my mom here.<br />
<br />
We moved in with Grandma when my son was just under a year old. We were going through so much at that time. I was suicidal, my husband was deep into his addiction, so much so he could barley function. I had so much anxiety most days I could hardly do anything at all. It was a horrible time. We would not have made it through it without Grandma. She saved my life, she really did. She was the first person I could talk to that didn't judge me or hate me. She never talked down to me. She just loved me. I wasn't even her grandchild but she loved me unconditionally none the less. <br />
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She held us up when we needed it most. And she taught me how to love. Through everything that people threw at me she was always there as I sat and cried and cried. When we moved out several months later, she was still always around. We fed her dinner a couple of times a month. We would send her home with left overs, and she would "be in the neighborhood" a couple of days later to drop off the dishes. She was always at my door when I needed someone the most. I never had to call or ask, she just knew and would be there with my dishes, or with a treat she had gotten at the store for the kids. and always a hug and love for me. <br />
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She supported us through the cps fiasco. She taught us how to forgive the accusers and let it go, and to move on from it. She couldn't believe what they had done and was hurt by it too, but she taught us by her example how we could move on from it. <br />
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Even after we moved up here she always seemed to know when we were in need. I would get a card or a letter from her in the mail, or an email, or a phone call. Always on a day when I needed it most. The only way she could have ever knows was because she cared that much and was so close to the Spirit. <br />
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I love Grandma so much. She was beautiful inside and out. She cared for and loved everyone around her. She was always involved as much as she could be, but also knew when she just needed to step back and not interfere. She was so easy to live with and so easy to love. <br />
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While we were living with her she was the ward organist and the Relief Society pianist. I was the Relief Society Chorister. I could lead music, yes. But a choir, no. Last minute I got sprung on that I was in charge of a Relief Society Choir for Sacrament meeting. We had 2 Sundays to practice and they didn't want a song from the Hymnal, it was to be a choral arrangement. With swells and pauses, crescendos and everything. I was already riddled with anxiety about everything, and this just about put me over the edge.<br />
Grandma though, she saved the day. She took me to the church every day and we practiced. She played the piano and would call out to me instructions "start the sopranos" Use your other hand to bring int he Alto's. "Now with both hands, cut them off" Or, "Hold the sopranos and cut off the Altos" "make sure to look at the alto's here and not the Sopranos"<br />
She was amazing. She was eternally patient. I only saw her mad a few times and it never lasted long, just until she had a chance to go and pray. <br />
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I have felt her near many times this year, and I am grateful for that because I was so not ready for her to go. I can't believe we have made it a year without the emails, cards and phone calls. We have though. And she is greatly missed and always will be.<br />
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I am grateful for her presence and her teaching in my life. I am grateful for her watchful guidance her love and kindness. There are many many lessons that I have learned from Grandma, but I wont bore you all with them. I hope that one day I can be as compassionate as she was. I hope that one day I can love those that hurt us (because there will always be hurtful people) as much as she loved those who hurt her. I hope that I can do as much service to those around me as she did. <br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-64645134775639722602012-10-02T08:58:00.000-07:002015-12-06T16:04:46.403-08:00Better than a million dollarsIf someone were to come to you and say, Hey, I have a million dollars and obtaining it is as easy as doing 12 things would you tell them that no, you don't really need it that badly?<br />
Would you shake it off and say, Nah, I'm not like other millionaires.<br />
No, that's ok. I can earn it myself.<br />
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Sounds absurd doesn't it?<br />
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So why then if you know you have an addiction, and you know there are recovery programs do you sit back and say things like, No, It's not for me. Or I can overcome it myself if I work a little harder, or it's not really an addiction.<br />
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You know what is better than a million dollars?<br />
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Peace, happiness that is lasting. Like eternally. Not just for a few minutes, or a day, or a few months. But eternal happiness. Freedom from the bounds of your addiction. No matter what that addiction is to. Drugs, Alcohol, stress (What? You can be addicted to stress?) Yes, yes you can be addicted to stress, drama, anger, screaming.. HOW? It's easy. These things set off hormones in your body, adrenaline, cortisol, among others. They give you a rush. You can become addicted to that rush.<br />
Caffeine, chocolate, sugar, food in general,Tv, internet, politics, video games. Anything can become an addiction. An addiction is a coping mechanism. It is an unhealthy way to cope with something, whether it be stress, or boredom. What ever it is that you cant find a healthy way to cope with.<br />
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The Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints if for anyone. No matter what you are addicted to. It is also for friends and loved ones of addicts so that they can let go of patterns of codependency, or know how to support their addicted loved one.<br />
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The overarching principle of the recovery program is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.<br />
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He died for you. Do you believe that? Do you believe that He atoned for your sins? Not just for everyone else's but for yours too! Even if you are not a member of the LDS church. Even if you are not a Christian. Even if you are an Atheist or an agnostic. And yes, you do have agency in this still even though it has already been done. You do not have to accept Christ. You do not have to accept his Atoning for you. That is your choice. The point is though that if you want it, it is there.<br />
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This life is not meant for us to go through alone. If it was then what would the purpose be of the Atonement? What would be the purpose of attending church? What would be the purpose of prayer?<br />
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Our Father does not want us to be alone through anything in this life, happy or sad. It is not the way he set things up. That is why he sent his son, to suffer bleed and die for you. That is why he and his son came to Joseph Smith. To set up a church in these Latter-days. That is why the church has inspired programs like the ARP meetings. That is why people outside of the Church have AA meetings, over eaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous. Because they see the need for support in going through something.<br />
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So why deny yourself what your Father and His son want to give you? Why? <br />
Why deny yourself happiness, deep down and surface happiness. True and everlasting happiness?<br />
The Atonement is the greatest evidence we have of God's love for us. The atonement is there for YOU. The ARP meetings are there for YOU.<br />
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you wouldn't pass up a chance for a million dollars if it came knocking on your door. So dont pass up your chance to recover just because "It's isn't that bad" of "I can do it myself I just need to work harder" or "I'm not like them"<br />
Free yourself. It is liberating. I can attest to that!<br />
The Lord loves you. So does your Father in Heaven. You should love you enough to do this for yourself and quit hiding behind false beliefs.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=193&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=193&searchsubseqend=ZZZ">http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=193&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=193&searchsubseqend=ZZZ</a><br />
<br />
I Stand All Amazed.<br />
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I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,<br />
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.<br />
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,<br />
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.<br />
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Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me<br />
Enough to die for me!<br />
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!<br />
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I marvel that he would decend from his throne divine<br />
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,<br />
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,<br />
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.<br />
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Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me<br />
Enough to die for me!<br />
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!<br />
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I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!<br />
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?<br />
No, no I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,<br />
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.<br />
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Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me<br />
Enough to die for me!<br />
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-12055363178329942812012-09-20T13:11:00.000-07:002015-12-06T16:04:57.486-08:00Personal inventory (step 4)I am trying to create a personal inventory. I don't know how. I have the manual to help me, but that is it. Well I have my Heavenly Father too. I have been praying and thinking about it for several weeks. Today during nap time I sat down and wrote 3 pages. Yet I came away feeling both like I accomplished something and like I didn't do it right. What I wrote feels more like a blog post than an inventory. I fell like I did it wrong, and yet I wrote what was in my heart and in my head. I am more or less the facilitator of our group (waiting for final approval from the Bishop) I have no one to advise me on my inventory. No one to help me complete step 5. I had an idea of who to go to, but Now I don't think it feels right. I don't feel the inventory is complete, or done right. But how could it not be done right? There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's personal and there are many many ways to do it. I think mostly I just feel inadequate. I think there has been very few places and situations in my life that I have felt like What I have done was good enough or that I was good enough. I grew up without much praise. Not that my parents were bad parents, they had many many struggles that I saw and knew that they were doing their best. But through growing up I was rarely made to feel like I had done all I could. Often times through my husbands addiction that has been thrown at me by him in many ways. It has been thrown at me by so many people in so many places.<br />
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I have had praise too. Every month when I teach people thank me for my lesson, tell me how wonderful it was. Yet I still feel so inadequate. and writing my inventory I feel the same. It isn't the processes of it that makes me feel that way, it was a relief to write it, freeing. Yet Now a couple hours later I feel like I did it all wrong. Probably because The Adversary wants me to feel that way. I wish I had someone I could share it with. Someone in the know. That is my prayer for now. Along with continued prayers in the inventory because I don't feel it is finished. I feel there is more inside that needs to come out. not in the inadequate way, but in the helpful, search for more and let it out so you can finish healing way.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8955348380968918411.post-76126808144212050702012-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:002012-09-20T12:59:18.969-07:00DownJust feeling defeated. Really defeated. We are in a tough situation over here. We reached out for help and we got shut down. Told nope, no help would be received. It hurts. We are getting desperate in our situation and have barely been hanging on for months now. There is no end in sight. We are doing all we can to try and better our situation. We are mostly playing a waiting game. And at the end of the rope we reached out and got denied. <br />
I feel awful too that I got asked to help out someone else in the ward. The compassionate service leader called me and asked me to fill a need. I had to tell her that I couldn't. I couldn't fill the need without my family potentially going without. I am down on myself for not being able to help. For not just helping when there was a need. I hate not being able to help when it is asked for because so often I ask for help and get turned away. <br />
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I'm tired of this hole we are in. I am trying to make the best of it, but it isnt working anymore. I am falling apart and dont have the strength to keep holding on. I really don't understand why we cant just have our need filled. Filling the main need would fill in all the gaps for the other needs. But we can not find a way to fill that one need. We have been searching for that way for 2 years now. no, more than that. Nothing is coming our way. and I dont understand why. When my husband was in the middle of his addiction all our needs were always met, by someone somewhere. Now when he is at his best place in recovery and so am I the gaps in other areas are getting bigger and not being filled. no matter how hard we try or what we do. Promises of help from other people are forgotten about or put off, and other times we are just flat out told no there will be no help.<br />
Why? Why do people promise they will do something and then not follow through? Why do people say, Call me I want to help then turn you away when you do call?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2