Step 3

It's not what step I am on, Still working through some further on, but right now at this time I need to look to step 3 to help me with my current step and with the things going on in my life.
 I love this step, it comes in handy and is something we all need to focus on, whether we are addicts or not.
Trust in God, no matter how challanging the circumstance... your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. (Richard G. SCott "The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing" Ensign, May 2003)

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him.

Continues submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning in our lives.
(Step 3, Addiction Recovery Program : a Guide to addiction recovery and healing)

 The reason you keep going to meetings is so that you can repeatedly review the steps while you are working on your own, because you learn more and new things, and you find things like this that helps you remember what you need to bring back in that you have lost along the way.

Recently I have forgotten that it isnt up to me to do it all, that I have help.  I have help if I put my trust in God, and in the atonement of my Lord and Savior.  With them I can do all things.  I can get through this slump and rise higher than I was before falling into the slump.

AND YOU CAN TOO!

Is it easy to put your trust in the direction of your life into the hands of God, for some, yes, for others, no.  Let go and let God, life will be easier.  Through Prayer, and through living close to the spirit and living right, thus allowing the spirit into your life, it is easier.

Better than a million dollars

If someone were to come to you and say, Hey, I have a million dollars and obtaining it is as easy as doing 12 things would you tell them that no, you don't really need it that badly?
Would you shake it off and say, Nah, I'm not like other millionaires.
No, that's ok.  I can earn it myself.

Sounds absurd doesn't it?

So why then if you know you have an addiction, and you know there are recovery programs do you sit back and say things like, No, It's not for me.  Or I can overcome it myself if I work a little harder, or it's not really an addiction.

You know what is better than a million dollars?

Peace, happiness that is lasting.  Like eternally.  Not just for a few minutes, or a day, or a few months.  But eternal happiness.  Freedom from the bounds of your addiction. No matter what that addiction is to.  Drugs, Alcohol, stress (What?  You can be addicted to stress?) Yes, yes you can be addicted to stress, drama, anger, screaming.. HOW?  It's easy.  These things set off hormones in your body, adrenaline, cortisol, among others.  They give you a rush.  You can become addicted to that rush.
Caffeine, chocolate, sugar, food in general,Tv, internet, politics, video games.  Anything can become an addiction.  An addiction is a coping mechanism.  It is an unhealthy way to cope with something, whether it be stress, or boredom.  What ever it is that you cant find a healthy way to cope with.

The Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints if for anyone.  No matter what you are addicted to.  It is also for friends and loved ones of addicts so that they can let go of patterns of codependency, or know how to support their addicted loved one.

The overarching principle of the recovery program is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

He died for you.  Do you believe that?  Do you believe that He atoned for your sins?  Not just for everyone else's but for yours too!  Even if you are not a member of the LDS church.  Even if you are not a Christian.  Even if you are an Atheist or an agnostic.  And yes, you do have agency in this still even though it has already been done.  You do not have to accept Christ.  You do not have to accept his Atoning for you.  That is your choice.  The point is though that if you want it, it is there.

This life is not meant for us to go through alone.  If it was then what would the purpose be of the Atonement? What would be the purpose of attending church? What would be the purpose of prayer?

Our Father does not want us to be alone through anything in this life, happy or sad.  It is not the way he set things up.  That is why he sent his son, to suffer  bleed and die for you.  That is why he and his son came to Joseph Smith.  To set up a church in these Latter-days.  That is why the church has inspired programs like the ARP meetings.  That is why people outside of the Church have AA meetings, over eaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous.  Because they see the need for support in going through something.

So why deny yourself what your Father and His son want to give you?  Why?
Why deny yourself happiness, deep down and surface happiness.  True and everlasting happiness?
The Atonement is the greatest evidence we have of God's love for us.  The atonement is there for YOU.  The ARP meetings are there for YOU.

you wouldn't pass up a chance for a million dollars if it came knocking on your door.  So dont pass up your chance to recover just because "It's isn't that bad" of "I can do it myself I just need to work harder" or "I'm not like them"
Free yourself.  It is liberating.  I can attest to that!
The Lord loves you.  So does your Father in Heaven.  You should love you enough to do this for yourself and quit hiding behind false beliefs.

http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=193&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=193&searchsubseqend=ZZZ

I Stand All Amazed.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would decend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.


Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.


Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Personal inventory (step 4)

I am trying to create a personal inventory.  I don't know how.  I have the manual to help me, but that is it.  Well I have my Heavenly Father too.  I have been praying and thinking about it for several weeks.  Today during nap time I sat down and wrote 3 pages.  Yet I came away feeling both like I accomplished something and like I didn't do it right.  What I wrote feels more like a blog post than an inventory.  I fell like I did it wrong, and yet I wrote what was in my heart and in my head.    I am more or less the facilitator of our group (waiting for final approval from the Bishop) I have no one to advise me on my inventory.  No one to help me complete step 5.  I had an idea of who to go to, but Now I don't think it feels right.  I don't feel the inventory is complete, or done right.  But how could it not be done right? There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's personal and there are many many ways to do it.  I think mostly I just feel inadequate.  I think there has been very few places and situations in my life that I have felt like What I have done was good enough or that I was good enough.  I grew up without much praise.  Not that my parents were bad parents, they had many many struggles that I saw and knew that they were doing their best.  But through growing up I was rarely made to feel like I had done all I could.  Often times through my husbands addiction that has been thrown at me by him in many ways.  It has been thrown at me by so many people in so many places.

I have had praise too.  Every month when I teach people thank me for my lesson, tell me how wonderful it was.  Yet I still feel so inadequate.  and writing my inventory I feel the same.  It isn't the processes of it that makes me feel that way, it was a relief to write it, freeing.  Yet Now a couple hours later I feel like I did it all wrong.  Probably because The Adversary wants me to feel that way.  I wish I had someone I could share it with.  Someone in the know.  That is my prayer for now.  Along with continued prayers in the inventory because I don't feel it is finished.  I feel there is more inside that needs to come out.  not in the inadequate way, but in the helpful, search for more and let it out so you can finish healing way.

Step one

Honesty. Come to admit that I am powerless over the addiction of another-that my life is becoming unmanageable.

At times I have been controlled by feelings of: hate (myself) hate (towards my spouse),Evny (towards all the *perfect* marriages out there) Fear, guilt, unworthiness, ineptness, emptiness, solitude.

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought "If only I had (not)_________ then he wouldnt have his addiction." Or "he could overcome it if I was______"  There are lots and lots of different things that could go in those blanks.  So many, and they would all be different for each different person and each different addiction.  

Our addicted loved ones begin to make progress when they accept the truth that they are powerless to overcome their addiction.  Step one for us begins with the same truth- we are also powerless over our loved ones' addiction. Many of us tried in vain to control our loved one;s behavior only to find out lives periodically overwhelmed with a frustrating and impossible task.  We may have believed this to be our spiritual responsibility to end another persons addiction.  We become fearful of what might happen to our loved ones. (APR manual)

Doing this becomes easy.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.  

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.  

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.

This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

How does understanding the power of addiction, help me to recognize that I cannot control my loved one's  addictive behavior and choices?

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

In what ways have I tried to control my loved one in addiction? What emotions may have motivated my behaviors?

So many ways.  I tried to force him to be helpful around the house.  To "be the man" To provide for us, to finish school.  I picked his major.  I picked up forms, I filled them out.  I handled everything that came in whether it be for the kids, him, myself.  I took care of it all so he wouldn't have to do any of it.

I think my main motivator was guilt.  If I was able to do it all then he could focus only on recovery.  And when I failed to do it all his addiction became my fault.  When he would "slip up" it was my fault because I hadn't done something right, or good enough.

What can I do to begin to choose how I respond rather than emotionally react to the circumstances around me.

the first step to this is recognizing the difference between choosing how you react and having an emotional reaction.  An emotional reaction happens with no thought to the circumstance, or the consequences of the reaction.  When you chose to react, there is a thought process involved. Even if it isn't a long though process, it is still a though process.  You see your step and you can foresee some of the consequences whether they be good or bad.

So I would say learning to think first.

How does understanding my own nothingness without God's power help me recognize that I can not cause,control, or cure my loved one's addiction? 

Understanding that God is all powerful, yet he still cannot control the actions of another person helps me to realize that I cannot either.  I am not more than God.  I can't do something that he can't/  And that is OK!  It is not up to me.  It is only up to me to control how I react to anothers actions. 

In my efforts to help my addicted loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself? Have I neglected loving interactions or awareness of the physical and emotional needs of my children or spouse?

For years I quit wearing make-up, dressing daily, doing my hair.  There was no point, there was no time.  I quit reading my scriptures and feeding my soul.  I quit doing the things that I wanted to do for ME. My kids at times have been terribly neglected.  Never in their physical needs but in their emotional and spiritual needs.  

What can I learn from this life experience? How can it become and opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future?

There is so much to learn from this life experience.  To much to put here.  I can put this here for now though.  I can learn that when we give up control of our life to Our Father in Heaven good things come.  We no longer are frustrated to the point of screaming because if the actions of another.  we let Gods light shine in us and it fills all the dark empty spots.  Yes we will still have trials, but nothing that can't be overcome if we are in the hands of God. 

It can be an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom  by talking, writing, reading, and DOING.  To write things down gives you perspective.  It gives you a place to put your feelings, to see your growth.  when you see your growth you can see what you have learned.  When you have learned something now, it can only benefit you in the future.  Especially if you have a place to look back on it.