Overdue

There is a lot going on around here and basically I have been avoiding life as much as I can.

I hate winter.  I hate the cold, but worse, I hate the lack of sunshine.  I have heard that Seattle gets more sun than we do in the winter.  I  believe it.  This week has been odd in the fact that the sun has been seen twice!

We like the area here, but really the lack of sun between October and May is hard.  It is getting worse every year.  This year has been terrible for me.  Especially with ALL the changes.

It's been hard.

We are moving, and this is a good thing.  We need to leave here for more reasons than one.  and we got a better job.  A career job.

Moving states is a daunting thing, especialy when many people wont deal with you across state lines (as far as renting a new place goes) it is too far to just go and look.  We move on Feb 9th.  We go look for a place to live Jan 30th to Feb 3.  We put in our 30 day notice already so we have to leave on the 9th.  I am trying hard to focus on step 3, trusting in God.  We know this is the right decision.  Some days are better than others.

We have been mostly looking at renting a trailer/mobile/manufactured home.  Whatever you want to call those things!  I have heard all those names for them and people that live in them prefer to call them different things.
Whatever they are all the same thing.

Anyway I am rambling because I am avoiding.

I realized I have a problem with living in a trailer.  When talking to my son the other day the realization started, then yesterday it hit.
We lived in a trailer with Grandma, who passed just over a year ago.  There is this one that keeps staring me in the face.  Everytime I go to look for a place there it is front and center.  It is the same color as the one we lived in.

I loved Grandma.  She was a wonderful woman that taught me so much about life, about living like Christ, about doing the things He would do.  About following our Fathers plan in our lives.  I am forever grateful for her love and example to me.

So why am I having a hard time looking at trailers?  Because I still am having a hard time with her death.  I still miss her. I have not adjusted to her being gone, to her not there for me to email and call whenever I want.

I think also because of all the dark times there.  It was a very dark time in my life.  We had moved in there because we couldnt live where we had before because I couldnt be alone anymore.  I was dealing with severe PPD. (Postpartum depression) I was having nearly constant images in my head.  Violent gruesome images.  I had so much self hatred over it.  I was suicidal.  And on top of  it all I was dealing with everything to do with my husbands addiction.
Grandma saved me.  Not like an enabler or a codependant saves people, but like Christ saves people.  Through pure love and example and making me want to heal me.

I think I am only afraid of living in a trailer, especially a similar trailer because I am hurting right now.  The lack of sun is taking a huge toll on me.  I am doing so many things to combat that, but there are so many other things going on now.  It's just all too much, so I have been hiding, not facing anything and not dealing, not even acknowledging that feelings even exist.

So there it is.  I have feelings, they are there and I am going to deal with them now.  Hopefully by the time we move and get settled wherever we get settled at I will be back on my feet and happy and healthy and ready to deal with life as my husband runs off to do his military requirements then as he comes home and leaves again to the Police academy.