My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Friday, June 29, 2012

I understand

I know how you feel.  I know how it feels to be blamed for another persons actions.  I know how you feel to be told they could change if you did X, Y, or Z.

I know how it feels to put on your happily married face and attend church and pretend life is perfect at home.

I know how it feels to need a Priesthood Blessing and be afraid to ask for one because your spouse is unworthy and you have no one to turn to.  You are to embarrassed by yourself and your spouse to call someone and ask them to do what everyone thinks your spouse is worthy to do.

I have been told that I had no right to be hurt and angry by his continual looking at other women.  One person told me this because "men have their needs"  Ya, well I have my needs too.  Some men can look without being addicted.  Just like some people can have a glass of wine at dinner every once in a while and not be addicted.  Some cant.  Mine cant.  They don't know what it is like to live with an addict. The other person who told me this used her perfect example of herself to tell me that she found out her husband had been looking at porn and she asked him to stop because it made her feel bad.  So he did.  All I had to do was ask my husband to stop.  Not be angry at him.  That was difference one between us. Don't you think I tried that?  I wish it was that simple.  It wasn't.  My marriage vows were broken by him repeatedly.  I was married in the Temple. (Difference two was they weren't.)  In the Temple we make a covenant that we will cleave unto our spouse and to none other and be chaste.  That was all broken time and again.

It hurt to have people tell me this.  It made me feel like I was worthless and that I was the one with the problem.

I have been told how lucky I am to have a Priesthood holder in the home and I should thank the Lord every night for it and not take it for granted anymore.  

Little did she know what was going on.  Yes I had a priesthood holder because he had in fact been ordained.  He wasn't worthy of it though, thus he couldn't use it.  So basically I had none.

In the last 3 years I encouraged a friend of mine who was being abused to leave.  To get a divorce.  All the while feeling like a hypocrite for it.  I was living with an addict.  Abuse and addiction have so many entwining factors and behaviors.  I encouraged her to do what I couldn't do.  She also did not have an eternal marriage.  I wonder if I would have left had we not had one?  I don't know.  

I used to think it was worth staying.  After the roller coaster of the last month I don't know.  Last week I was contemplating it again after the numerous fights and the refusal to pick up and go forward.
Finally Finally last night we got to the point of yelling and screaming and suddenly after I finally gave up and walked away it hit him.  We are finally to where we can pick up and move forward.  yet another cycle complete.  Hopefully we dont have to do another one.  I dont know if I can handle it.  especially after 15 months of good.  Even though I am healing and overcoming the bitterness and the anger, I still dont know how many more cycles I will last through.  At least I know that by giving it to Christ through the Atonement If I leave, I will leave whole, not broken.  Before I would have left broken and done more damage to my children and myself.  Hopefully we dont ever have to come to that point again as to where I want to leave.

No comments:

Post a Comment