I'll go where you want me to go....

Ever heard the Lord works in Mysterious ways? Things go full circle?

I've been looking at Facebook memories everyday.  This week one came up about our move here.  3 years ago this week we drove from Montana toWyoming.  I had been working with the Relief Society President in thethe ward that bears our city's name.  We had an offer to stay with a Family in their ward while Travis did some final things with the Department and we looked for housing.  We were to be here 3 days with 2 days travel down and 2 days back.  Then we were to go back to MT and be there 1 week, finish packing, finish with the other Jobs there and move here. The first day of our travel here our littlest started to get sick.  By evening when we stopped at our motel for the night she was SICK knowing the family we were staying with had a new baby I called the Relief Society president.  She found us another place to stay.  Which was funny because this other gal had already approached her and said you know if plan A doesnt work out let me be plan B.  She told me that and I was shocked.  What a blessing.  Thanks for plan B lady to be listening to the Spirit.
It's a good thing too.  Little one ended up being diagnosed with RSV.
Since the ward had opened it's arms to us (3 families anyway) we wanted to end up in that Ward.
We looked and looked in their ward for housing.  Couldn't find it.
We ended up in the apartment in the FH ward but we knew that was where we needed to be.

Then FH lost part of their ward when they made GW.  We ended up in GW after 4 months.  That was hard because Foothill was so open and loving.  Such a change after hard times in Montana. GW ended up being AWESOME.  2.5 years we were there.
It was funny too because not long after we moved here we started looking at houses to buy  we kept being drawn to the houses where we are now.  At first I thought no way, they are in the other ward and I'm not switching wards.

Our area that we are in now was moved into GW at the same time the apartment was.  Funny stuff.  So we got to live where the Lord directed us AND stay in our ward.

Now our homes are in the first ward.  Today was our first meeting with them.  IT was good.  We had sacrament meeting and then a cookie social.  We met lots of people.
It's funny. 3 wards, 3 years. and we are back in the ward we wanted to be in.  Yet we have loved every minute of our other wards.  We have been were the Lord wanted us each time.  You will never be wrong if you go where HE wants you to go.

The other funny thing? this week we will have someone staying with us who is going through testing with the Department.  just about 4 years ago Husband stayed with a Bishop and his family here to do the EXACT same thing.


And not to be forgotten.  Our Amazing teacher and our 504 team got Son on a 504.  Now all the things his teacher does for him will carry over to next year and the next.... And the District is redoing the way the hand out 504's so hopefully this one wont be ripped away from us like the last one was.

Life

I think I am suffering from a bad bout of seasonal depression again.  It started back in late September.  It got really bad by October.  I started on some stuff for it.  It started to get better especially after I cleared up one of the huge things that was bugging me.
Then I got sick.  I firmly believe in the power of alternatives for meds.  Vitamins, Oils, herbs, Craniosacral therapy.
I know there are a lot of people who hate me for my refusal of drugs some of them will read this and I'm sure I will catch it but I don't really care.  I react to them all and sometimes the reactions just aren't worth it.
I also believe in moderation in ALL things. So when I got sick and the sickness got bad enough I couldn't breathe I made a choice I quit the oils I was using for mood and switched to ones For lung and other immune issues.

The depression started to get out of control again.  But not as bad as it has been just bad enough.  The anxiety has been terrible too.  I am better so I'm back on my mood stuff.  It's slow and 1 step forward a couple back.  But it's improving.  Thankfully trough it all I have been able to continue with the spouse group.  Since my attendance there goes in spurts with the husbands work schedule.
It has helped so much it is the place where I feel like people get it.

Someone told me the other day that she fully believes God answers prayers through people and other means.

I know this.  I have seen it so often.
Just recently, It's the friend that takes you aside and says you need a hug and gives you a big old hug and hangs on while you cry.

The comments from people when they read a post

The person who randomly says "I Love you."

The kids who finds you STILL in bed and comes and curls up next to you for a little while.

Through it all this time though I have prayed.  Always before I have given up on Prayer.  I have given up on my Father in Heaven and my Brother Jesus Christ.

I know the atonement has and will continue to carry me through.  I am forever grateful for the Atonement and what our group/book has taught me about the Atonement.
I am grateful I am in a place where I can talk about it now because talking about it helps.

Today in Church we were talking about the manifestations of the Love of God.
They are everywhere.  Some call them blessings, some tender mercies, some random coincidences.

Whatever you call them they are there and they are your Father in Heaven, and your Brother Jesus Christ showing you through the Spirit that  you are loved.
Adding to my list above:
The stroke.  1 year and 5 months ago.  About 1 year and 6-7 months ago I told husband that we were done.  I was done.  It's taken some time but he has changed so much.  This time I think the changes are deep, real, and here to stay.
Not too long ago I took a picture of him sleeping under a pink princess blanket on the couch.  I posted it on facebook.  I didn't realize until then how much over the last year I have become thankful for him.  I told someone a month or so ago that I was starting to like him again.  and I am.
It's because of the Stroke he had.  It's because of the group he attends.  It's because of the Atonement of my Savior.
It's because of a tender mercy given to us by our Father in Heaven.

I am grateful to be where I am right now.  I don't know why I am back here.  I hate feeling how I do  I thought with all I have been through with depression, anxiety and everything I wouldn't ever have to come back here.  But here I am.  I wonder what I didn't learn before.  I hope I learn it this time whatever it is.
These are some amazing songs that have helped.

Answers

So in June Husband was gone for 3 weeks.  While he was gone I could not contact him.  He could contact me, but not me him.  When he could contact us time was minimal and the kids got to go first.
During this time our city flooded several times in several places.  My basement leaked. I had no spouse to really talk to about all the options to fix it. I called in 5 contractors.  one never showed one said he couldn't do it, one said he wouldn't do it.  so that left me with 2.  and both had VERY different ways of fixing the issue.
I prayed.
I made a choice.
I prayed.
I second guessed that choice.
I prayed.

I never really got a firm answer.

I made my choice.

After the work was done I was happy. I knew I had made the right choice.

In the middle of all the basement fun our second car broke.  It failed to go into reverse.  I  got computer codes read.  Came home and googled the codes.  The codes were scary.  The cost of repair was going to be as much as the value of the car. we owed more than the car was worth.

We battled with this one for awhile. almost 3 months.
We prayed.
We made a decision.
we prayed.
decision stood on a very unstable foundation.
we prayed.
we second guessed.
Another decision made
More prayer.
Back and forth round and round.
More information received,
More prayer
More changing decisions.

We posted it fr sale for less than we owed.
we got call after call on it.  What's wrong EXACTLY.  how low iwll you go?  How do I get it here? (Because no one local wanted it so it had to be towed out of state)
I'll think about it and work on it and get back to you.
Never to be heard from again.

Prayer.
Waiting.
listening.
decision making.
second guessing.

Another call.  Same story.  a week goes by. nothing.  more days go by. nothing.

same dude calls again.  he wants to make a deal his message says.  I text him.  He responds.  more questions more pics wanted. I send him what he wants. He wants to paypal me money and meet me in halfway with it on the back of a tow truck.  If he likes it he will pay the rest in cash and take it home.

Instead I called my mom.  She agreed to have it towed on her 200 mile towing plan. So we arrange it. 3 hours on the phone between my mom, dude that wants my car more than me and the towing company.

I still don't feel like I have received an answer that this is the right course of action.

3 hours later we cant get a tow truck until between 7 and 8 am.  we will get a call around 7.

730 am next day rolls around.  no call.  I call towing plan company they are confused they say it got towed last night.  I say no it didn't no one could do it YOU told me that.  He looks through notes, ah yes he says.  I'll call a tow truck.  45 minutes later he calls.  Tow truck will be there around 930 Nick from M company is going to tow it.

Great.

Still no assurance that this is the right thing.

More phone calls and more text to dude that wants it more than me.

Calls from Nick M company.

Knock on door.  Dude wearing orange vest says hey I'm Nick.  We towing this white one?  Yes I say.  Ok it needs to be on street, we can push it out he says.  I said no it's on a hill I can roll it out and pull it forward.

Ok.  I see his truck says W company. whatever I think. we have weird things like that in town anyway. We discuss his route because towing plan company says the route is 244 miles they want to go off the interstate, onto a state road then onto a something else road back to the interstate.  He says no way, he will stay on the interstate and save me 70 miles.

Great.

He loads my car.

Still not sure I'm doing the right thing.

He gets ready to leave and another tow truck rounds the corner.  It says M company.  Dude says hey, I'm nick from M company you called someone else?  I suddenly realize THIS was the EXACT voice I have heard on the phone 3 times this morning.

I say um, no dude showed up said hi, I'm nick.  I thought he was you.

Nick from M company calls towing plan company.
Towing plan company confused again.
They say M company has to tow it.
Nick and Nick meet.
both nicks talk to towing plan dude.
Towing plan dude says M company gets the job.  M Nick says are you sure?  It's loaded up on the other truck already.  I'm sure says plan dude.

So first Nick unloads my car.  Second Nick loads it

Now I am REALLY not sure I am making the right decision.

Nick from M company leaves with my car on his truck.  He promises to take the interstate.

an hour later Dude that wants it more than me calls and says listen, this is insane.  It's already been on 2 tow trucks this morning, why make it 3?  I freak out thinking he is backing out.
He says just tow it to my mechanic shop.  I'll look at it, if I like it I'll pay your bank.
No I say.  I want it at my parents house until you pay.  I cant be 200 miles away only having talked and texted and have you take my car.

Ok he says I will go pay your bank.  When I am done you reroute the truck.

Ok I say.
Now I'm really sure I just got screwed and failed at decision making 101.

Bank calls me 30 minutes later.  She says hey dude just came in and gave me 3,000 and I gave him a bill of sale and a title.

SWEET.

I call Nick. No answer.
He calls me back.
Send me address he says.
I text him address.
then I text him and ask if he would be so kind as to remove my plates and bring them back.
Sure he says.

I'm still not sure we made the right decision.

In the mean time I am out running errands.
I come home to an empty driveway.
For the first time in months I feel relief.

Now everytime I come home to an emty driveway I feel it.
My answer.

Sweet. Blessed. Relief. Relaxation. For the first time in MONTHS.

I still owe the bank for a car that we dont own. Sweet relief.

All this to say (and I hope you got this far)  Sometimes our blessings and answers dont come without a trial.  They dont come sometimes until we have made the steps, done the work, completed the task.  Sometimes we have to prove to our Father that we are willing to do something.  We have to do what needs to be done if we had the answer in the first place.

If you arent getting an answer start working toward the goal.
Sweet. Blessed. Answers.

There are some that feel we made the wrong decision.  I dont care what you think.  I never have.  I care what my Father in Heaven thinks.

Who's on the Lord's side?

Ugh.  So I thought I had learned my lesson last time when I kept having the prompting to sign up for life flight insurance and I didn't so we  didn't have it when we needed it.

Apparently I didn't Several days ago at Parent Teacher Conferences for the Littlest (she goes to preschool still at the Child Development Center a place for kids with special needs) there was a guy there with a table.  I felt drawn to the table bit waved it off.  all 3 kids were with us, we had a conference to go to... The guy even talked to us and tried to attract us to his table.  We didn't go.

I haven't slept since.  Literally!  It has sucked!  I finally asked my Heavenly Father why I wasn't sleeping.  Today I realized that I have been waiting and watching for that guy to come back to the CDC with his table.
Also as a back track side note, The Boy has been struggling again with school.  We had again at the beginning of this year requested that he be tested again for Dyslexia.  We were again denied and not only that we lost our 504 plan for him.  I wasn't really ok with that but with the things they said and with the summer we had and all the fighting I have done for him through the years I just gave up.  I thought we would let it ride out and see where it went.

It's been going downhill.  Slowly, ever so slowly.  But it has really been in our faces the last month or so.

He tried to get into quest, a program for advanced kids.  He didn't get in.  We called the lady in charge, she said he didn't finish the tests.  So they have a round about way of getting in through an IQ test.  We know his IQ is high because years ago it was tested as part of the ADOS test for Autism.  so it was tested again.  His IQ is 133.  Well through the course of this we found out he got every single one of the Quest test questions right, of the ones he answered anyway...

He has talked to me lately about struggling in school.  It hurts because I always struggled.  But I felt like I was out of options.  The Principal, the diagnostician, the nurse all said they didn't think he needed testing for a learning disability because they didn't see it.  Even though his P's 3's and 5's are all still backwards and he puts a capital D all the time even when it needs a low d. I asked him why the other day.  He said because the big D is easy to remember which way it goes so he uses that instead.

the people in our 504 meeting stated that because they aren't always backwards then it's just a matter of lazy habit.  because he knows they are backwards and he will put them forwards sometimes.  So we just need to keep pointing it out and correcting it and he will get into the habit of doing it right.

Lately I have thought a lot about homeschooling because the system is failing my child.  I haven't though because I have felt that that isnt our answer, that we would be running away.  Don't get me wrong I am NOT saying that homeschooling is running away.  I have homeschooling friends and family and that works for them and that is fantastic.  They are doing what they need and I admire and respect them.  It's just for us that isn't the answer.  Someone needs to stay and fight the system from the outside as much as we need those fighting the system from the outside by homeschooling.

So back to where we were at the beginning.
The guy at the table.  Today I felt like the answer to my not sleeping was staring me in the face and I had to find it.  There was the guy at the table at drop off today.  I fought with the spirit still!  UGH!  I didn't want to stop, I had to go to Zumba this morning.  Stop anyway.  So I did.  I thought why am I here?  The Littlest has all she needs we are confident with where she is at.  I looked at his pamphlets.  Picked up one on learning disabilities, another on Autism, a third on sensory disorders.  Then it hit me.  This table isn't for The Littlest, it's here for The Boy.  I am to talk to this man about The Boy.  DUH!  Wow.  So I did.  Turns out this man is the parent liaison for the school district.  Mostly there to help those of us at the CDC get what we need to transition to the school district.  But he is also there for the kids who are being failed by the school district.  his boss is second in command of Special services at the District level.  I told him a little of our story.  I told him about Quest testing, the IQ testing, the repeated requests for Dyslexia testing and the repeated denial even though I have submitted a request in writing.  Yadayadayada.  Guess what we have now?  We have a meeting scheduled with the special Ed department at the District office.

Who's on the Lord's side?  I am.  We are.  We have been praying about the school situation, the discouraged child.  The Lord led me to the person/people that can help.  I had given up.  Not anymore.  This mama bear is back and she has her advocacy pants on.  Watch out!  Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. I know this is where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to pursue at this time.  I know because my Heavenly Father has led me to the man at the table. Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. As we read in Mathew 11  28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (https://www.lds.org/manual/new-testament-gospel-doctrine-teachers-manual/lesson-10-take-my-yoke-upon-you-and-learn-of-me?lang=eng)

New book.

I feel bad because it's been 8 weeks since a new manual was released (I think 9 or 10 actually).  So much has happened this summer and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it and struggling with what to do from here on out with all that happened and all that I learned.  Some of it was good, some bad, some major.

The husband had a stroke (way too young to have one, he was 32) He survived through the Grace of our Heavenly Father.  That was the major.
I'm not going to talk about the bad, but it happened and is continuing and I don't know what to do about it, except pray for light and knowledge on what to do.

The good?  We had a friend drive my kids, my dad and myself down to the Hospital my husband was life flighted to.  I don't think I was in a place to be able to do so.  It was really a wonderful thing that he was able to do so for us.

When I called to try and find a babysitter while I ran hubs to the hospital I couldn't find one.  So I posted on the Relief society page and left.  not too long later I got a text from someone in the ward saying they were going taking my kids to the park. (I had left them with my dad, but he wasn't able to care for them long term another story for another day.)

I got in touch with my Relief Society President when we found out he would be life flighted 200+ miles away.
She went to my house and helped my dad pack and get in touch with my mom. then she packed stuff for my kids, and I packed for me.  She helped me gather food for us and get us all in the car.

She took note of my horribly messy house.  The overflowing laundry baskets, the breakfast and lunch dishes on the counters, table, sink.  The mud tracked clear through the house.  the bathroom sink caked in mud because everyone had washed their hands in it. The fabric from sewing 3 Elsa dresses scattered about my room and all the pattern pieces strewn about.

She organized a team to clean my house.  It was amazing.

Feeling prompted to go to kmart instead of walmart when one of the girls was desperate for a new swim suit and finding a dozen boxes of cereal  that my kids could eat (we have several food allergies here) marked down to 30 cents a box.  not finding a swim suit on clearance so having to go to another store anyway, but I didn't care at that point!

The swim teacher at the Rec center who let my kids into swimming lessons anyway because she understood why I couldn't call on the one day that they have sign-ups.

The never ending prayers from friends.  Christians, Athiests, non christians.  We had lots of faiths praying for us.  It was amazing.

The Bishop who was there for us when we needed him.

The Aunt and Uncle who dropped what they were doing, picked up a cousin and drove to the Hospital to meet the hubs there and wait with him and give me updates while we traveled down there.

Feeling the Love of my Father in Heaven and knowing that no matter what happened I would be ok. My children would be ok.  Maybe not right away but we would be.

The sod that got laid by people from Church, from the neighborhood.  Who came together in a time of need.

The people who helped us push a car into the driveway because it was dead on the street and had to be moved.

The neighbors who have lent us their lawnmower several times this summer.

The new manual.  The new direction it takes.  The new program and the direction it takes.  The new people coming to our meetings. The old people coming back to our meetings.

So many many blessings we have had this summer.

Thank you.

And now for a link to the new program. Some groups have copies of the book.  Ours does, someone copied and pasted and re formatted to make it look nice while we wait for it to come off the printer and be shipped out.
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families?lang=eng

Prayer

We have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum.  It is a challenge.  There are times, long periods of time where he is "perfectly normal" and everything is smooth then he goes through weeks or months of time where he is off kilter and almost completely unmanageable.  This last time has been pretty extreme.  It started in December when we were packing up our apartment to move into our house.  The fits, the meltdowns, the screaming and yelling and throwing things when he asks a question and doesnt like the answer.  Or gets asked to do something he doesn't want to do.  Or you simply ask him to choose between chocolate and vanilla and the question is just more than he can process at the moment.

So in December we bought a house.  Uprooted him from our apartment (his school stayed the same, though we weren't for sure it would at first, which was a hard thing for him, the not knowing) a new bus and new bus driver, new people on the bus a different drive, having to stop and let kids off at another school before going to his school...getting ready for Christmas vacation...
That's a lot for one kid!

Then come The return to school in January and his teacher is gone.  She broke her ankle and they returned to a sub.  3 subs in the first week back to school before they settled on a long term sub.
That's a lot for one kid.

Then he started getting pushed around and hit by a kid at school.
Then his bus driver died.

How much more can one kid (and his parents and his siblings) deal with?  The answer.  No more.  We were done after the first round.

Not being able to handle life anymore and the  meltdowns weren't enough to help him blow off steam, he turned to lying and stealing.

Ya, we have had a lot to deal with  since December.  Besides stuff going on at the husbands work adding stress and emotions to the already volitile situation.

How do you help your kid?  One that doesn't understand a lot of simple things, but can grasp a lot of deep heavy stuff, but nothing on an emotional level.

We turned to the school counselor for one.

For the other?  We turned to God.  At first when my husband brought it up I thought well it's not going to make that much of a difference.  WE already pray as a family, we have the kids say their prayers, we read the scriptures.  We are already doing that, turning to God.  We are already asking for help, believing that it will come and we will get answers.  how more can we turn to him?

Well what we have started doing is praying one on one with each child, morning and night.  Child prays, adult prays. times 3.  then we have family prayer.  It is amazing the difference.  Do we still have melt downs?  Yes.  instead of 5-8 per day we are more like 1-5 per week.  Huge difference.  The other huge difference?  our children are now turning to God.  Their prayers are changing.  They are grateful for different things, they ask for different things.  They THINK to pray.  they don't just think to pray.  There is actually though that goes into it.  They are talking with God.  Even the 3 year old has picked up on and started changing things.

My son started praying for his bully.  Talking to him, telling him he didn't like that, talking to the teacher at school about it.  Do you know the last time my son approached an adult without them talking to him first?  It's been over a year.  You know the last time he expressed emotion that wasn't an all out melt down?  It's been over a year.

Suddenly we add in extra one on one praying and the kid starts talking.  Saying I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm sad... and adding a because.  He gives hugs on his terms, he says goodbye to his sisters when he leaves for school, hugging and kissing them.  he says I LOVE YOU!    Him and the bully?  they are now friends.

Amazing what such a simple thing can do.  Do we still have issues and fights and problems?  Yes.  We are not a perfect family, nor are we in a perfect world.  Can we handle them better?  YES.  yes we can.
amazing what a little extra prayer can do.

It's the little things.

Struggling

I am struggling again.  With several things that I can't write here for varying reasons.  But right now life pretty much sucks.  I hate where I am and how I feel.

  One phrase that I hate is "God won't give you more than you can handle" I have always hated it.  It has always rubbed me wrong.  I could never put together in words why.
My friend shared this blog post on Facebook today.  This.  This is what is wrong with that phrase.
http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

She worded this all so well.  It was totally worth the read and the re-share here.

The Atonement needs to be used in these times of our lives.  I am trying hard to lean on my Savior right now.  Give Him the burdens my Heavenly Father has seen fit to hand to me.

Right now I don't know how things will turn out, what will happen.  What I do know is that If He brought me to it HE will walk me through it.  *If I ask Him and lean on Him.

Hearts of the fathers...

Today we buried my grandmother.  It was sweet.  She was 89 and lived a long wonderful life.  She has wanted to go for oh so long.  Her husband died 20 years ago.  It was sad, but happy.  Last week on my trek down there, it hit me I had never talked to her at all about dealing with addiction.  I realized then that on the other side she would know and would be a great support for me in healing.

As soon as it became apparent that I wasnt going to make it my sister called and held the phone to my Grandma's ear and I got to say good-bye.  I asked her to watch over me and to help me.  I know she will.

I know some who believe that once we get over to the other side we will be so busy preparing for the second coming of our Savior that we wont be paying attention to what goes on down here, especially not enough to come visit.  (now they may be more thinking along the "ghost story lines... I have never clarified with them)
My firm belief is that our ancestors are there on the other side and they are still with us when we need it.  I have seen and felt my ancestors at times.

My Grandmother dealt with an addicted loved one.  She knows what we go through.  I learned today something that I had heard briefly a long time ago, learned in more depth that she had more of the same struggles that I have had.  I fully believe as is talked about in the Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that we are to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers.  As part of this I know that they are there to help us.  lift us when we s tumble.  and love us through it.  ESPECIALLY if it is something that they have experienced.  How else are we supposed to turn our hearts to each other if we are not helping one another?

I am grateful for my grandparents, all of them.  for the love and strength they have given me.

Long time

It's been a long time.  Far too long.  Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.

I'm back.

It's been a long few months.  We moved, are trying to get settled.  Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.

I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things.  Especially the little things.

We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing.  But it was hard, I  last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her.  We didn't make it.  I almost turned around and came home.  I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home.  So we continued on.

I am forever glad we did.  I was there with my dad when he needed me.  It was a trying experience for sure.  Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again.  But it's ok.  This is why we moved closer to family.

We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time.  We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him.  We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him.  We fought long and hard for him.  Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people.  WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah...  It has been a long road.  Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time.  If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.

We are now struggling with the littlest one too.  Todays struggle dealt with them both.  I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son.  It was awful.  I made him cry.  I shocked everyone.

My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time.  I said yes, so we went.  I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.

Then... God came in.

There was an almost 8 year old there playing.  She got into it with my 2 year old.  Mom stepped in.  I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in.  Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines.  I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore.  Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.

So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it.  Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body.  Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it.  I told mom that.  We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes.  Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him.  I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it.  I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.

Their story was our story minus the therapies.  She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us.  They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting.  So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed.  I really think we both learned so much from our conversation.  WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.

God is there.  He has a plan, he is ready to help.  Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself.  But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide.  Look for Him.

Overdue

There is a lot going on around here and basically I have been avoiding life as much as I can.

I hate winter.  I hate the cold, but worse, I hate the lack of sunshine.  I have heard that Seattle gets more sun than we do in the winter.  I  believe it.  This week has been odd in the fact that the sun has been seen twice!

We like the area here, but really the lack of sun between October and May is hard.  It is getting worse every year.  This year has been terrible for me.  Especially with ALL the changes.

It's been hard.

We are moving, and this is a good thing.  We need to leave here for more reasons than one.  and we got a better job.  A career job.

Moving states is a daunting thing, especialy when many people wont deal with you across state lines (as far as renting a new place goes) it is too far to just go and look.  We move on Feb 9th.  We go look for a place to live Jan 30th to Feb 3.  We put in our 30 day notice already so we have to leave on the 9th.  I am trying hard to focus on step 3, trusting in God.  We know this is the right decision.  Some days are better than others.

We have been mostly looking at renting a trailer/mobile/manufactured home.  Whatever you want to call those things!  I have heard all those names for them and people that live in them prefer to call them different things.
Whatever they are all the same thing.

Anyway I am rambling because I am avoiding.

I realized I have a problem with living in a trailer.  When talking to my son the other day the realization started, then yesterday it hit.
We lived in a trailer with Grandma, who passed just over a year ago.  There is this one that keeps staring me in the face.  Everytime I go to look for a place there it is front and center.  It is the same color as the one we lived in.

I loved Grandma.  She was a wonderful woman that taught me so much about life, about living like Christ, about doing the things He would do.  About following our Fathers plan in our lives.  I am forever grateful for her love and example to me.

So why am I having a hard time looking at trailers?  Because I still am having a hard time with her death.  I still miss her. I have not adjusted to her being gone, to her not there for me to email and call whenever I want.

I think also because of all the dark times there.  It was a very dark time in my life.  We had moved in there because we couldnt live where we had before because I couldnt be alone anymore.  I was dealing with severe PPD. (Postpartum depression) I was having nearly constant images in my head.  Violent gruesome images.  I had so much self hatred over it.  I was suicidal.  And on top of  it all I was dealing with everything to do with my husbands addiction.
Grandma saved me.  Not like an enabler or a codependant saves people, but like Christ saves people.  Through pure love and example and making me want to heal me.

I think I am only afraid of living in a trailer, especially a similar trailer because I am hurting right now.  The lack of sun is taking a huge toll on me.  I am doing so many things to combat that, but there are so many other things going on now.  It's just all too much, so I have been hiding, not facing anything and not dealing, not even acknowledging that feelings even exist.

So there it is.  I have feelings, they are there and I am going to deal with them now.  Hopefully by the time we move and get settled wherever we get settled at I will be back on my feet and happy and healthy and ready to deal with life as my husband runs off to do his military requirements then as he comes home and leaves again to the Police academy.

One Year

One year ago today one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died.  She died at one of the most horrible times too.  My husband was gone off to Basic Training and was not able to attend the funeral. Luckily for me my mom was up here visiting when I got the news and she helped me hold it together long enough to contact the Red Cross to get a message to my husband, and to figure out how to get to the funeral, and find a sitter for my older 2 kids. I honestly dont know how I would have gotten through those first couple of days without my mom here.

We moved in with Grandma when my son was just under a year old.  We were going through so much at that time.  I was suicidal, my husband was deep into his addiction, so much so he could barley function.  I had so much anxiety most days I could hardly do anything at all.  It was a horrible time.  We would not have made it through it without Grandma.  She saved my life, she really did.  She was the first person I could talk to that didn't judge me or hate me.  She never talked down to me.  She just loved me.  I wasn't even her grandchild but she loved me unconditionally none the less.

She held us up when we needed it most.  And she taught me how to love.  Through everything that people threw at me she was always there as I sat and cried and cried.  When we moved out several months later, she was still always around.  We fed her dinner a couple of times a month.  We would send her home with left overs, and she would "be in the neighborhood" a couple of days later to drop off the dishes.  She was always at my door when I needed someone the most.  I never had to call or ask, she just knew and would be there with my dishes, or with a treat she had gotten at the store for the kids.  and always a hug  and love for me.

She supported us through the cps fiasco.  She taught us how to forgive the accusers and let it go, and to move on from it.  She couldn't believe what they had done and was hurt by it too, but she taught us by her example how we could move on from it.

Even after we moved up here she always seemed to know when we were in need.  I would get a card or a letter from her in the mail, or an email, or a phone call.  Always on a day when I needed it most.  The only way she could have ever knows was because she cared that much and was so close to the Spirit.

I love Grandma so much.  She was beautiful inside and out.  She cared for and loved everyone around her.  She was always involved as much as she could be, but also knew when she just needed to step back and not interfere.  She was so easy to live with and so easy to love.

While we were living with her she was the ward organist and the Relief Society pianist.  I was the Relief Society Chorister.  I could lead music, yes.  But a choir, no.  Last minute I got sprung on that I was in charge of a Relief Society Choir for Sacrament meeting.  We had 2 Sundays to practice and they didn't want a song from the Hymnal, it was to be a choral arrangement.  With swells and pauses, crescendos and everything.  I was already riddled with anxiety about everything, and this just about put me over the edge.
Grandma though, she saved the day.  She took me to the church every day and we practiced.  She played the piano and would call out to me instructions  "start the sopranos" Use your other hand to bring int he Alto's. "Now with both hands, cut them off" Or, "Hold the sopranos and cut off the Altos" "make sure to look at the alto's here and not the Sopranos"
She was amazing.  She was eternally patient.  I only saw her mad a few times and it never lasted long, just until she had a chance to go and pray.

I have felt her near many times this year, and I am grateful for that because I was so not ready for her to go.  I can't believe we have made it a year without the emails, cards and phone calls.  We have though.  And she is greatly missed and always will be.

I am grateful for her presence and her teaching in my life.  I am grateful for her watchful guidance  her love and kindness.  There are many many lessons that I have learned from Grandma, but I wont bore you all with them.  I hope that one day I can be as compassionate as she was.  I hope that one day I can love those that hurt us (because there will always be hurtful people) as much as she loved those who hurt her.  I hope that I can do as much service to those around me as she did.

Down

Just feeling defeated.  Really defeated.  We are in a tough situation over here.  We reached out for help and we got shut down.  Told nope, no help would be received.  It hurts.  We are getting desperate in our situation and have barely been hanging on for months now.  There is no end in sight.  We are doing all we can to try and better our situation.  We are mostly playing a waiting game.  And at the end of the rope we reached out and got denied.
I feel awful too that I got asked to help out someone else in the ward.  The compassionate service leader called me and asked me to fill a need.  I had to tell her that I couldn't.  I couldn't fill the need without my family potentially going without.  I am down on myself for not being able to help.  For not just helping when there was a need.  I hate not being able to help when it is asked for because so often I ask for help and get turned away.

I'm tired of this hole we are in.  I am trying to make the best of it, but it isnt working anymore.  I am falling apart and dont have the strength to keep holding on.    I really don't understand why we cant just have our need filled. Filling the main need would fill in all the gaps for the other needs.  But we can not find a way to fill that one need.  We have been searching for that way for 2 years now.  no, more than that.  Nothing is coming our way.  and I dont understand why.  When my husband was in the middle of his addiction all our needs were always met, by someone somewhere.  Now when he is at his best place in recovery and so am I the gaps in other areas are getting bigger and not being filled.  no matter how hard we try or what we do.  Promises of help from other people are forgotten about or put off, and other times we are just flat out told no there will be no help.
Why?  Why do people promise they will do something and then not follow through?  Why do people say, Call me I want to help then turn you away when you do call?

About trusting in God and sewing pants.

This is a pair of pants that I made my 4 year old.  What does trusting in God (step 3) have in common with sewing a pair of pants?  Well read and you will find out :)

Sometimes I like to pretend that I can sew and that I am getting good at it.  Well with fall and winter coming I dug out the clothes and found that the girls really have no pants. So I thought about making them some since like I said, sometimes I like to pretend I can sew.  But then I realized that really, there was no way to do this. Fabric, patterns, thread, elastic... All that is expensive and since they have NO pants, well that is a lot of pairs of pants to make and a lot of stuff to buy.  So I was thinking about how to just buy some pants.  Well Then that wont really work for the 2 year old because she is just barely 2, she fits in an 18 month length in pants, but she is potty trained, so without the diaper, they come nowhere close to fitting. So we go back to making them.  Well a friend of our Cranio-sacral therapist makes dog beds for the animal shelter.  She was given a whole bunch of corduroy.   She deemed the corduroy too beautiful to be used for doge and either burned or tossed.  So she asked her friend, our CST if she knew of anyone who could use the fabric.  Our CST said to me that we jumped right into her head!  So We were given the fabric.  There really is tons of it and it is beautiful fabric.
So patterns went on sale, I picked up a couple and I finally started to work.
I seriously have had problem after problem with these pants.  I have wanted to give up more than once.  I have had to unpick, restructure, re cut these pants.  That was all just the beginning.
Now let me back track just a bit.  I drove a friend home from our last meeting, and we sat talking a bit about step 3, which we had discussed in the meeting that night.  We talked about how we used to think that we trusted in God, but after learning more about the step, reading it, and trying to apply it in our lives we realized that maybe we don't.  This part really jumped out at me... "Continued submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives.  Small things like traffic jams are no longer cause for upset..." (LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program : A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. Step 3 page14)

I realized that while I may think I trust God, I really don't.  In the big things, for the most part, yes I do.  But the little things get to me.  They get to me a lot.  A lot more that I ever cared to admit before.  When we read that the other night it stuck with me.  I talked to my friend about it.  We had a great discussion about it.  It has stuck with me all week.  I have wondered how to change it.

Well tonight these pants taught me a lesson, about the little things, but in a big way.
You see, my kids having no pants because we can not afford to buy them is a big thing, right?  Yes, it is.  Well a way was provided that I could provide my kids with pants for cheap.  With this pair of pants a whole bunch of little things have stood in the way.
first, they were sewn together weird, I tried twice to fix them and was crying and just gave up, I was just making it worse.  After a couple hours I took some pictures and posted them in a sewing forum.  I got some tips.  Have you ever unpicked the work of a serger.  Um, YEAH.  I sat and did that.  I fixed the pants.  Then they sat, and sat.  Finally I decided to tackle the ruffles.  So today I started at 3.  I put new thread in my serger.  I didn't thread it right.  3 tries later I pulled out the book.  Still couldn't get it right, kept breaking this thread or that thread while in the middle of it. I must have re-threaded that thing 15 times.  I was irritated, frustrated and just done.  I wanted to chuck them and the serger out of the window.

Finally figure out my thread problem, get going again and a needle snapped off.  Now I am irate and about to call it quits and tell husband we are putting pants for the girls on the credit card because this is too much stress.  Then step 3 pops into my head, my discussion with my friend about the little things.  And Trusting in God for those too.  So I sat back, and said a prayer.  I told my Heavenly Father that I couldnt do this, I needed help, and these pants and the warmth of my kids depended on Him and I would trust in Him to guide me through this.

Guess what?  Well obviously from the picture above, you know that the pants worked.  Did they go right together after that?  No they didn't.  I broke another needle, had a few other snafu's with it.  But really for the most part they did.  And my attitude changed too.  And I said another quick prayer or two as I was struggling feeding them through my machine.

They are done though, they look ok too. And I learned a lesson.  You cant really fully trust in God for the big things unless you know He has your back on the small things too.   I think now every time she wears those pants I am going to remember that Trusting in God in the small things helps us to trust in Him in the big things. Small things do matter.  Small things in every way, good or bad lead to big things.

The light of Christ.

This picture was taken by my husband when we went on a family bike ride.  There is this trail called the route of the Hiawatha.  It is on the ID/ MT border at lookout Pass Ski Resort.   See how dark that tunnel looks?  You know how long that tunnel is? 1.7 miles.  That is a LONG tunnel.  And it has a curve in it so you can not always see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Did I mention it was DARK in there?  Really, really dark!  Do you see in the foreground the little strips of grass? Next to those strips are little canals or gutters.  They are 18 inches deep and they go clear through the tunnel.  Did I mention it is dark in there?  And cold, and wet, and you can hear water running.  You have to have a good light in there.  And even then, your light doesnt light up much except right there in your space.  Well I had our son on his little trail-a-bike that attaches to my bike.  My husband had our daughters in a trailer attached to his bike.  I had gone ahead of my husband because he stopped to put their rain guard on because on the way through the first time they got dripped on from the ceiling and splattered at from his tire.  Well I didnt realixe how much the first time though his light behind me had helped not only me but my son.  With my light clear up on my handle bars he had no light.  I doubt he could even see me.
My son got scared and was crying, he didnt know where he was he was lost.  I tell you I think he learned a lot about faith that day.  I know I did.  I also learned about the light of Christ and how it dispells the darkness.
While going through there the darkness was just so confining.  It was scary even for me.  Yet it hit me that I had a little bit of light and our lives are dark too at times.  There is so much out there pressing in on us.  We all have trials that weigh us down and press in on us.  As long as we have light though even if it isnt very bright we have hope.  We might only be able to see a tiny bit in front and to the sides of us, but it is more than we would have without any light.  That light is the light of Christ.  All of us who believe in Him are entitled to have that light in our lives.  I thought about this while at the same time as trying to comfort my son and pedaling as fast as I dared, which was actually fairly fast.  Then I thought, ok I have a light, and I am comparing it to Christ.  I cant share my physical light with him, but I can share the light of Christ with him.  So I did.  I asked him if he wanted me to sing.  He said yes.  The first song he chose was "Nephi's Courage".  How fitting was that?  (http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=120&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=120&searchsubseqend=ZZZ)

So I sang it.  He asked for another. I sang this one "My Heavenly Father Loves Me".(http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=120&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=120&searchsubseqend=ZZZ)

Then the last one. "A Child's Prayer" (http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=12&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=12&searchsubseqend=ZZZ)

You know what I learned (again) is that if your cup is full you can share it with others, and you can help others.  Did he get any physical light?  No he didnt, but he got spiritual light and calming.  I was glad I was able to help him.

My husband also taught me about light.  His light failed him.  He thought he was prepared, but his battery died.  How often do we all think we have done enough to be prepared then we are hit with a trial and find out we aren't?  My husband found out the hard way.  (luckily this time it was just physical light he was lacking not spiritual!)  You remember those ditches I told you about?  Well as his light failed he ran the poor girls off into that ditch.  Luckily they were belted in and had helmets, and luckily there was a wall there to keep them from tipping over and really going into the ditch!  Also my husbands bike did not make it into the ditch, just part of the trailer did.  They were in there probably all of 5 seconds, he knew when he swerved that it was coming and as soon as they tipped he was off his bike dragging it out of the ditch.  There was a lovely couple not too far behind him that heard the crash and stopped to help.  They used their lights to escort him out of the tunnel. one just ahead of him and the other just behind him.  They used their full lights to share and to light his way.  If we are prepared and if we are full we can share without taking away from ourselves.  But only if we are full and prepared.
I really learned a lot from that, and I am striving to stay full.  It's hard with 3 kids, but it can be done.  We have so mant resources available to us.  If we can find a few minutes to wind down in front of the computer or the TV why cant we find a few minutes to sit and open the scriptures, or an ensign?  It will help keep your cup  and your light full so you can share it with others when they are in need.  And sharing with others adds more than it takes away.

Growing

Our little group is growing.  It makes me sad but happy at the same time.  Happy that those that are suffering with this addiction are coming forward and dealing with it and learning to heal and grow.  Also that they are contributing to our group and helping us help each other.  Sad that they  are afflicted with this trial.  I think the happy outweighs the sad though because all of us have trials one way or another, and this particular trial doesnt just go away.  You need help, and these ladies are reaching out for it, and that makes me happy!

How do you do it?

Someone said to me the other day, I dont know how you do it.  I have heard this a lot.  It has taken 7 years to get to where I am now.  That is a long time.  Just because where I am now is strong and good it does not mean it was a pretty trip getting here.  Some parts were, but more parts were ugly.  Very difficult and ugly.  Still I have bad days, days where I say or do something I regret, but who doesnt?  Those days are getting fewer and a lot farther between.  Habits (i.e reactions to situations) are hard to break.  It can be done though.  Through the Atonement of our Savior everyone can change.  Sometimes it is harder than others.  It can be done though with work.

Sunday

So on Sunday I spoke at a combined men/ women meeting (5th sunday priesthood/ Relief Society).  The Missionaries that are in charge of the womens night are in that ward and they invited me to speak about the program.  I did.  I was SO NERVOUS.  I dont know why.  I have never been so nervous in my life.  Even my cheeks were shaking!  It was good though.  People were SO SO attentive.  I could see just about everyones eyes right on me the entire time.  There was not any whispering, shuffling, nothing of the sort that I detected at all.  Maybe that is partly why I was so nervous.  It was good though.  I enjoyed the opportunity and I hope I helped someone there.  I may be doing it again in other units.We will see.

This can be over come.  You can feel loved and appreciated again.  If not by your spouse, by yourself and your Father in Heaven.  He never stopped. :)

Today

Today was just awful.  I dont know why.  We slept in (YAY) so that started out well.  But within minutes it was just awful and just kept getting worse and worse.  Finally at some point this afternoon I said enough is enough.  I said a little prayer and just said I cant do this, I am done and I need help.  Guess what?  I got it.  I calmed down, the kids calmed down and were behaved and played with each other like they actually liked each other.  It was nice.  Going to have to remember that!

I understand

I know how you feel.  I know how it feels to be blamed for another persons actions.  I know how you feel to be told they could change if you did X, Y, or Z.

I know how it feels to put on your happily married face and attend church and pretend life is perfect at home.

I know how it feels to need a Priesthood Blessing and be afraid to ask for one because your spouse is unworthy and you have no one to turn to.  You are to embarrassed by yourself and your spouse to call someone and ask them to do what everyone thinks your spouse is worthy to do.

I have been told that I had no right to be hurt and angry by his continual looking at other women.  One person told me this because "men have their needs"  Ya, well I have my needs too.  Some men can look without being addicted.  Just like some people can have a glass of wine at dinner every once in a while and not be addicted.  Some cant.  Mine cant.  They don't know what it is like to live with an addict. The other person who told me this used her perfect example of herself to tell me that she found out her husband had been looking at porn and she asked him to stop because it made her feel bad.  So he did.  All I had to do was ask my husband to stop.  Not be angry at him.  That was difference one between us. Don't you think I tried that?  I wish it was that simple.  It wasn't.  My marriage vows were broken by him repeatedly.  I was married in the Temple. (Difference two was they weren't.)  In the Temple we make a covenant that we will cleave unto our spouse and to none other and be chaste.  That was all broken time and again.


It hurt to have people tell me this.  It made me feel like I was worthless and that I was the one with the problem.


I have been told how lucky I am to have a Priesthood holder in the home and I should thank the Lord every night for it and not take it for granted anymore.  


Little did she know what was going on.  Yes I had a priesthood holder because he had in fact been ordained.  He wasn't worthy of it though, thus he couldn't use it.  So basically I had none.


In the last 3 years I encouraged a friend of mine who was being abused to leave.  To get a divorce.  All the while feeling like a hypocrite for it.  I was living with an addict.  Abuse and addiction have so many entwining factors and behaviors.  I encouraged her to do what I couldn't do.  She also did not have an eternal marriage.  I wonder if I would have left had we not had one?  I don't know.  


I used to think it was worth staying.  After the roller coaster of the last month I don't know.  Last week I was contemplating it again after the numerous fights and the refusal to pick up and go forward.
Finally Finally last night we got to the point of yelling and screaming and suddenly after I finally gave up and walked away it hit him.  We are finally to where we can pick up and move forward.  yet another cycle complete.  Hopefully we dont have to do another one.  I dont know if I can handle it.  especially after 15 months of good.  Even though I am healing and overcoming the bitterness and the anger, I still dont know how many more cycles I will last through.  At least I know that by giving it to Christ through the Atonement If I leave, I will leave whole, not broken.  Before I would have left broken and done more damage to my children and myself.  Hopefully we dont ever have to come to that point again as to where I want to leave.

My Dears sisters in the Gospel,

I put this together to share with you my experience.  I am not finished with my journey yet, but I have come so far.  I know there are others who share in the feelings that I have felt; who have had similar experiences as I have.  I married someone who was addicted to pornography.  He was addicted to it long before we married.  He was addicted to it long after.  Only in the last 15 months has he been able to say that he is in recovery, that he is overcoming, or has overcome his addiction.  It has been a long hard road for us.  We have tried many different things, been through a couple of different programs.  While some of them were mildly to moderately helpful, there has only been one that has been truly helpful.

The program is the Addiction Recovery Program from the Church.  My husband started in this program a couple of times, the last time he started it was when our stake introduced the night specifically for pornography.  We now have a third ARP group.  This one is for us, the women who are married to addicts.  It is a group for us to learn how we can overcome the feelings that we may have felt during this addiction; the feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, control, anger, hate, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, isolation, helplessness.  How many times have we felt that we were not a good enough wife, mother, daughter of God?  How many times have we felt that we did something terribly wrong at some point in order to deserve these feelings?

Doctrine and Covenants 121:37 states “when we undertake…to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men…the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved.”

Through the ARP program we learn that there is hope.  There is healing.  There is forgiveness.  All of this is given to us through Christ.   We learn that the more we try to fix our loved ones the more out of control our own lives become.  Elder Bednar taught us that “You and I cannot control the intentions or the behavior of other people.  However, we do determine how we will act” (Ensign November 2006)

We learn that we are not the saviors of our spouse.  The only one that can save them is Jesus Christ.  He is also the only one that can save us.  First we have to be willing to let Him.  Just as we cannot control others our Savior cannot control us.  We can hand our lives over to our Heavenly Father and have Him guide us while using the Atonement to help us heal and forgive.   We cannot improve our situation by waiting around for things to change.  We have to be willing to make the changes that we can make, and let the Savior through His Atonement do the rest. 

Mathew 11:28-29 states “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

Sisters, Come unto Christ.  Give him your sorrow, your ill feelings, let Him help heal you.  Learn that the atonement was not given only for sinners, but for those with heavy hearts, minds.  Who are troubled in any manner?  The Atonement is as much for us as it is for our husbands.

No longer can you tell yourself that no one understands. No one knows.  The Savior knows.  He is waiting to help heal you.

I know, I understand.  That is why I am writing this.  That is why I am willing to do anything I can to further this work.  It is the work or our Father in Heaven, the work of our Savior Jesus Christ, our older brother! 

There is help, there is healing, there is hope, forgiveness.  The ARP program can help you see that. 

Elder Richard G Scott Taught: “ Trust in God…no matter how challenging the circumstance… Your peace of mind, Your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.” 

Elder Jeffrey R Holland reminded us “every person in every era has had to walk by Faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan.  Just be faithful and know God is in charge He knows your name and He knows your need”

Please know that you are not alone.  Your husband may or may not be ready to overcome his addiction, if he isn’t do not let that stop you from healing.  Attend the meetings.  Do whatever you can to get there.  For some in our stake it is a long way to travel.  I tell you it is worth it.  Talk to your Bishop if you need help in getting there.  Talk to your Bishop if you plan to attend and can take someone else.  If you go to your Bishop and say, I want to go to the support group and I can take someone with me.  The Bishop can then go to the person that has come to him and asked for a way to get there.  Go to your Bishop or your Relief Society President and tell them that you want to offer help to anyone who has the desire to attend the meetings, some sisters may need a babysitter.  I know we did for awhile.  We had a lovely Sister in our ward offer to babysit so we could attend the meetings together before they separated out the nights.  That was invaluable for us. 

Attend the Temple when you can.  If you do not feel worthy to attend, talk to your Bishop; talk to your Father in Heaven.  If the only reason you don’t feel worthy is because you feel held down by the addiction of another, let it go.  You can do it.  There is hope, healing and forgiveness.

I know firsthand the struggle to fully feel the spirit in your life.  To not be able to feel the fullness of the saviors love for you, for your Father in Heavens love for you.  When your mind is so full of the negative, the hurt, shame and guilt it buries your spirit.  Through using the Atonement to help heal you can learn again of your worthiness of a Daughter of God.  You can learn that you are loved and cherished.  That you are a beautiful person inside and out and you can do whatever you want to do with and in your life as long as you are close to the spirit.

Even if you are not the spouse of an addict you can feel some of these same feelings.  You too can use the atonement of our Savior to overcome these feelings.  Do not disregard these things just because you may not be the spouse of an addict.  If you have feelings of not being enough, use the Atonement in your life.