My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Treasure boxes

I am a believer in Energy.  We are made of energy.  Some call it Karma.  I believe the two are "friends" with each other, but they aren't the same.  Sort of like our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.  All are 3 separate things, 2 of them having their own separate bodies and the third being a Spirit. in the end they all have the same goal, same heart and are very like minded, but all 3 are individual also.  As is Karma and energy.

So I see a craniosacral therapist who not only has studied it deeply, and has taken many many courses on it, she also is a licensed counselor with a degree in psychology.  She is also an RN.  She is not LDS, but that does not mean she is not a spiritual person.  She is very spiritual and very Christian.  I love her so much.  She has helped us and me so much to learn and grow and to heal.

Anyway, we had an awesomely powerful session today.  Awesome.  Backtracking a little bit, about a year ago we had another extremely powerful session.  We worked a lot on my core and my heart, there was some blackness in there, we pulled it out, looked at it and defined it.  We defined it as Fear, anger, hate.  There were several people who shall remain nameless involved in some of or all of these things.  It took us really about an hour to talk through and look at it all.  Then she asked me where I wanted to put it because it needed to go somewhere.  So I decided on a box. a walnut box taken from the heart of a walnut tree.  Then I decided to put said box in a big hole under the walnut tree.  Then I took the hole, the box and the tree and tossed them into the depths of the ocean.
I could tell she didnt really think that is where it should all go, but she wasn't the one doing the healing, I was so she let me put it there.

I know now what she knew then, that I was ready to heal, yes, but only in part.  Something inside of me wanted to hold onto that a little longer.

So here we are about a year year and a half later and I went back today for some random intense pain I have been having in my ligaments   Random ligaments   I rolled something in my leg the other day.  I snapped my jaw real bad one day, my thumb randomly started hurting really badly, not a bone issue, but a tendon or ligament.

  In the scriptures we learn time and time again about a phrase.  "Turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children." and like I read in Mosiah tonight the sins of the fathers shall fall upon the children.
What does this mean?  Well to me it means if we are carrying something in this life energetically and we don't heal it and move on 100 % from it it will be passed on.  If we are say an addict and we don't heal that we will pass it on to the next generation who will carry it and if they don't heal it it gets passed on again...

So anyway, backtracking again... A few years ago a counselor that we went to church with (the first counselor to counsel us as a couple and deal with the pornography addiction) talked to me about this hearts of the children/fathers thing.  My mom had told me after I had healed from my postpartum depression that possibly my grandmother had suffered from it a time or two, she had many reasons to think it.  She was never given the chance to heal from it (not that she suffered from it the rest of her life, just didnt get a full healing) so it got passed down.  It was on me to heal it or pass it.  The counselor then started with me on healing it.  So did a kinnesiologist that I was seeing.
Then my current Craniosacral therapist has helped me with this too.

So back to today (wow this is turning out to be a long post, oh well it's my journal). Today we took all that fear, anger, postpartum depression, the need to self forgive, and the need to forgive others, and we asked 5 specific people involved ( energetically) to take all they had of whatever part of this they were involved in and put it with me into a box.  This time when she asked me what box to put it in I came up with a treasure chest.  at first I thought, really?  that is stupid (especially since you have now seen what the chest looked like) but she had told me not to filter of fight anything, to just go with it. so I did.  We put it all in there, the whole time thinking, that poor box, it was so pretty, fun and fancy free now it is holding this horrible burden that has spanned over many generations of my family, more than just the 2 I have already mentioned, clear back maybe 10 generations. of course it extended to some around me that arent even really my family.

A lot of the stuff that came up today was particulars that were brought out in my kinnesiology sessions, and counseling sessions dealing with the PPD.  Stuff that her and I have never talked about, yet she picked them out and described them with me.  There was things particular phrases that I have written down in my inventory that I did for step 4.  Things that she wouldn't have known about because I have not told her.
So anyway we put all my stuff in this box.  We invited the other people involved to put theirs in this box too so that we could all heal together.  As we put it in we asked for the healing light of Christ to fill the space.
It was all just so amazing.

Then she asked God to come take the box, and we closed the session.

I asked her, you know why I chose a treasure box?  She said, yes, but you tell me. hahaha.  So I did.  I told her I chose a beautiful treasure box because what was inside while dark and ugly could some day (soon) be opened and hold a beautiful treasure because all that bad could, in the hands of God become good to us, through healing.

Hopefully the things we discussed in depth that I only brifley glazed over here will be things that are healed and not passed on for anymore generations.  I know that if I want them to, through God, and my Savvior Jesus Christ these things are possible!

What are you going to give up to God to have him make into a treasure for you?

Friday, November 9, 2012


So on Facebook I am doing what it seems like most people are doing and putting up a grateful post everyday.  It has been a rough last month so I was hoping that it would help.  It has, a lot.  So I thought I would do more here.

I am grateful for my children.  Each and every one of the three of them has a complete different personality and attitude about them.  They are each individuals and have each taught me so much.

For my mom.  We have had our struggles and differences, but no matter what she is always there.  I am grateful for all the ways that I swore I would never be like her, and yet here I am in so many ways doing some of the same things.  I do them because now I can see why she did them.  Even though we HATED it.  They were good or I wouldn't be doing them.

My dad.  My dad has had so many issues in his health.  Through most of them especially through the last few years he has laughed about them.  Not because they are funny, and not because he is laughing to bury the seriousness of them.  But because Anger doesn't change it for the better, it just makes it worse because it gets you down and keeps you down.  Laughing about it helps to keep you up and be more positive.  Keeps you going in a good direction, helps you to see and feel the spirit.  Something I need to be more like.

MY siblings.  They are each wonderful in their own way.  We may get mad at each other, but again if one of us needs something someone is always there.  I love that my brother is a nurse and I can call him when I need.  I didn't realize how much I called him until he left to Afghanistan with the Air Force and I couldn't just pick up the phone and ask him a question about my kids.

I am grateful for my husband and the changes he has made, and that we are making together.

For the addiction recovery program.  I love this program and think everyone should go through it!

For the ladies that come to our group.  They are awesome.  I am so glad I am not alone in our group anymore.  I was alone for so long.  It is wonderful to see their faces each week.

For the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For His Atonement.

For Forgiveness.

For Love.


My Father in Heaven and His patience with me.

For the Spirit.

For Guidance and direction of my Heavenly Father through the Spirit.

For my right to vote.

For the women who fought for my right to vote.

For my wonderful friend Kym.  We have been email friends for going on 7 years now.  We started because we met on an online forum for those suffering with  Postpartum Depression and have been friends since.  We are in separate parts of the country, but we still email almost daily for a long time each day.  There have been many times where I don't know what I would have done without her.

I am grateful for my PPD that I suffered 3 times in varying degrees.  I learned so much through my experiences.  I met some lifelong friends also.

I am grateful my husband has a job.  He doesnt make enough to support us, but at least he has a job that he works at.  And soon he will have a different, better job that will provide for us.

I am grateful for the friends and family that I have.  Most of them are wonderful :) The ones that arent so much are still in their own way and through them we still learn.

As much as my landlady annoys me and the rules of this place drive me batty, I still am grateful for her, and for the apartment we have to live in that the rent on it fluctuates as our income does.

For the Prophet Joseph Smith and his determination, and his Spirit.

For President Hinckley (who is now passed on) He was the first Prophet I truly knew and he was a wonderful and inspiring man.

For President Monson whom I have also grown to love.

For our current Quorum of the 12 Apostles.  I Love listening to them in Conference   I love some more than others but they all carry true messages to us from our Heavenly Father.

For the Bible and it's companion Scripture, The Book of Mormon.

For the Ensign Magazines, for The Friend and the New Era.  For the Doctrine and Covenants.

For DoTerra Essential oils.  I didnt get into the program to make lots of money selling them to people.  I got into it to heal my family and to learn and grow.  Anything else that comes from it is a side benefit.  The last year using them have provided my family with lots of healing without all the negative reactions of western medicine.

I am grateful too though for Western Medicine, with it's drawbacks it still does have benefits.

I am grateful for my current doctor, Dr. Wolfe.  She is fantastic.  I love that she doesnt be little me because I dont always take her persctiptions and tell her it is because I am going to use oils, or homeopathics.  Or be little me when I pass over a vaccine (though we still have done most of them)  She has helped us in so many ways, listened to me and told me I was not crazy.  Helped us fight for the diagnosis of Aspergers, and helped us fight for help for my son.

I am grateful for our diagnosing doctor, Dr. Cook who also took us seriously.

For the therapists we have had.

For Early intervention who started with us when he was 20 months old.

For my sons school (mainstream elementary)  For the help they have given him to meet his goals.  Everyone over there it seems has been involved. including the wonderful office manager.

For his wonderful therapists over at his school.

For the lady that runs the family recourse center at his school.

For those who finally listened to me and gave me the information I needed to get my son Gluten Free lunches at school.

For those who have helped us adjust to a GF diet.

For the Military service members past and present.  I have many family members and friends currently serving or who have served. Including my husband.

I am grateful for those in our community who see him in uniform and thank him, we are in a community who detests the military, so it is nice to hear people thank him.

I could go on a little more but I will stop boring you and stop driving my daughter nuts because it is past 9 am when they are allowed to get on the computer and here I still sit :)

Monday, October 22, 2012

One Year

One year ago today one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died.  She died at one of the most horrible times too.  My husband was gone off to Basic Training and was not able to attend the funeral. Luckily for me my mom was up here visiting when I got the news and she helped me hold it together long enough to contact the Red Cross to get a message to my husband, and to figure out how to get to the funeral, and find a sitter for my older 2 kids. I honestly dont know how I would have gotten through those first couple of days without my mom here.

We moved in with Grandma when my son was just under a year old.  We were going through so much at that time.  I was suicidal, my husband was deep into his addiction, so much so he could barley function.  I had so much anxiety most days I could hardly do anything at all.  It was a horrible time.  We would not have made it through it without Grandma.  She saved my life, she really did.  She was the first person I could talk to that didn't judge me or hate me.  She never talked down to me.  She just loved me.  I wasn't even her grandchild but she loved me unconditionally none the less.

She held us up when we needed it most.  And she taught me how to love.  Through everything that people threw at me she was always there as I sat and cried and cried.  When we moved out several months later, she was still always around.  We fed her dinner a couple of times a month.  We would send her home with left overs, and she would "be in the neighborhood" a couple of days later to drop off the dishes.  She was always at my door when I needed someone the most.  I never had to call or ask, she just knew and would be there with my dishes, or with a treat she had gotten at the store for the kids.  and always a hug  and love for me.

She supported us through the cps fiasco.  She taught us how to forgive the accusers and let it go, and to move on from it.  She couldn't believe what they had done and was hurt by it too, but she taught us by her example how we could move on from it.

Even after we moved up here she always seemed to know when we were in need.  I would get a card or a letter from her in the mail, or an email, or a phone call.  Always on a day when I needed it most.  The only way she could have ever knows was because she cared that much and was so close to the Spirit.

I love Grandma so much.  She was beautiful inside and out.  She cared for and loved everyone around her.  She was always involved as much as she could be, but also knew when she just needed to step back and not interfere.  She was so easy to live with and so easy to love.

While we were living with her she was the ward organist and the Relief Society pianist.  I was the Relief Society Chorister.  I could lead music, yes.  But a choir, no.  Last minute I got sprung on that I was in charge of a Relief Society Choir for Sacrament meeting.  We had 2 Sundays to practice and they didn't want a song from the Hymnal, it was to be a choral arrangement.  With swells and pauses, crescendos and everything.  I was already riddled with anxiety about everything, and this just about put me over the edge.
Grandma though, she saved the day.  She took me to the church every day and we practiced.  She played the piano and would call out to me instructions  "start the sopranos" Use your other hand to bring int he Alto's. "Now with both hands, cut them off" Or, "Hold the sopranos and cut off the Altos" "make sure to look at the alto's here and not the Sopranos"
She was amazing.  She was eternally patient.  I only saw her mad a few times and it never lasted long, just until she had a chance to go and pray.

I have felt her near many times this year, and I am grateful for that because I was so not ready for her to go.  I can't believe we have made it a year without the emails, cards and phone calls.  We have though.  And she is greatly missed and always will be.

I am grateful for her presence and her teaching in my life.  I am grateful for her watchful guidance  her love and kindness.  There are many many lessons that I have learned from Grandma, but I wont bore you all with them.  I hope that one day I can be as compassionate as she was.  I hope that one day I can love those that hurt us (because there will always be hurtful people) as much as she loved those who hurt her.  I hope that I can do as much service to those around me as she did.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Better than a million dollars

If someone were to come to you and say, Hey, I have a million dollars and obtaining it is as easy as doing 12 things would you tell them that no, you don't really need it that badly?
Would you shake it off and say, Nah, I'm not like other millionaires.
No, that's ok.  I can earn it myself.

Sounds absurd doesn't it?

So why then if you know you have an addiction, and you know there are recovery programs do you sit back and say things like, No, It's not for me.  Or I can overcome it myself if I work a little harder, or it's not really an addiction.

You know what is better than a million dollars?

Peace, happiness that is lasting.  Like eternally.  Not just for a few minutes, or a day, or a few months.  But eternal happiness.  Freedom from the bounds of your addiction. No matter what that addiction is to.  Drugs, Alcohol, stress (What?  You can be addicted to stress?) Yes, yes you can be addicted to stress, drama, anger, screaming.. HOW?  It's easy.  These things set off hormones in your body, adrenaline, cortisol, among others.  They give you a rush.  You can become addicted to that rush.
Caffeine, chocolate, sugar, food in general,Tv, internet, politics, video games.  Anything can become an addiction.  An addiction is a coping mechanism.  It is an unhealthy way to cope with something, whether it be stress, or boredom.  What ever it is that you cant find a healthy way to cope with.

The Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints if for anyone.  No matter what you are addicted to.  It is also for friends and loved ones of addicts so that they can let go of patterns of codependency, or know how to support their addicted loved one.

The overarching principle of the recovery program is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

He died for you.  Do you believe that?  Do you believe that He atoned for your sins?  Not just for everyone else's but for yours too!  Even if you are not a member of the LDS church.  Even if you are not a Christian.  Even if you are an Atheist or an agnostic.  And yes, you do have agency in this still even though it has already been done.  You do not have to accept Christ.  You do not have to accept his Atoning for you.  That is your choice.  The point is though that if you want it, it is there.

This life is not meant for us to go through alone.  If it was then what would the purpose be of the Atonement? What would be the purpose of attending church? What would be the purpose of prayer?

Our Father does not want us to be alone through anything in this life, happy or sad.  It is not the way he set things up.  That is why he sent his son, to suffer  bleed and die for you.  That is why he and his son came to Joseph Smith.  To set up a church in these Latter-days.  That is why the church has inspired programs like the ARP meetings.  That is why people outside of the Church have AA meetings, over eaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous.  Because they see the need for support in going through something.

So why deny yourself what your Father and His son want to give you?  Why?
Why deny yourself happiness, deep down and surface happiness.  True and everlasting happiness?
The Atonement is the greatest evidence we have of God's love for us.  The atonement is there for YOU.  The ARP meetings are there for YOU.

you wouldn't pass up a chance for a million dollars if it came knocking on your door.  So dont pass up your chance to recover just because "It's isn't that bad" of "I can do it myself I just need to work harder" or "I'm not like them"
Free yourself.  It is liberating.  I can attest to that!
The Lord loves you.  So does your Father in Heaven.  You should love you enough to do this for yourself and quit hiding behind false beliefs.

I Stand All Amazed.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would decend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Personal inventory (step 4)

I am trying to create a personal inventory.  I don't know how.  I have the manual to help me, but that is it.  Well I have my Heavenly Father too.  I have been praying and thinking about it for several weeks.  Today during nap time I sat down and wrote 3 pages.  Yet I came away feeling both like I accomplished something and like I didn't do it right.  What I wrote feels more like a blog post than an inventory.  I fell like I did it wrong, and yet I wrote what was in my heart and in my head.    I am more or less the facilitator of our group (waiting for final approval from the Bishop) I have no one to advise me on my inventory.  No one to help me complete step 5.  I had an idea of who to go to, but Now I don't think it feels right.  I don't feel the inventory is complete, or done right.  But how could it not be done right? There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's personal and there are many many ways to do it.  I think mostly I just feel inadequate.  I think there has been very few places and situations in my life that I have felt like What I have done was good enough or that I was good enough.  I grew up without much praise.  Not that my parents were bad parents, they had many many struggles that I saw and knew that they were doing their best.  But through growing up I was rarely made to feel like I had done all I could.  Often times through my husbands addiction that has been thrown at me by him in many ways.  It has been thrown at me by so many people in so many places.

I have had praise too.  Every month when I teach people thank me for my lesson, tell me how wonderful it was.  Yet I still feel so inadequate.  and writing my inventory I feel the same.  It isn't the processes of it that makes me feel that way, it was a relief to write it, freeing.  Yet Now a couple hours later I feel like I did it all wrong.  Probably because The Adversary wants me to feel that way.  I wish I had someone I could share it with.  Someone in the know.  That is my prayer for now.  Along with continued prayers in the inventory because I don't feel it is finished.  I feel there is more inside that needs to come out.  not in the inadequate way, but in the helpful, search for more and let it out so you can finish healing way.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Just feeling defeated.  Really defeated.  We are in a tough situation over here.  We reached out for help and we got shut down.  Told nope, no help would be received.  It hurts.  We are getting desperate in our situation and have barely been hanging on for months now.  There is no end in sight.  We are doing all we can to try and better our situation.  We are mostly playing a waiting game.  And at the end of the rope we reached out and got denied.
I feel awful too that I got asked to help out someone else in the ward.  The compassionate service leader called me and asked me to fill a need.  I had to tell her that I couldn't.  I couldn't fill the need without my family potentially going without.  I am down on myself for not being able to help.  For not just helping when there was a need.  I hate not being able to help when it is asked for because so often I ask for help and get turned away.

I'm tired of this hole we are in.  I am trying to make the best of it, but it isnt working anymore.  I am falling apart and dont have the strength to keep holding on.    I really don't understand why we cant just have our need filled. Filling the main need would fill in all the gaps for the other needs.  But we can not find a way to fill that one need.  We have been searching for that way for 2 years now.  no, more than that.  Nothing is coming our way.  and I dont understand why.  When my husband was in the middle of his addiction all our needs were always met, by someone somewhere.  Now when he is at his best place in recovery and so am I the gaps in other areas are getting bigger and not being filled.  no matter how hard we try or what we do.  Promises of help from other people are forgotten about or put off, and other times we are just flat out told no there will be no help.
Why?  Why do people promise they will do something and then not follow through?  Why do people say, Call me I want to help then turn you away when you do call?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

About trusting in God and sewing pants.

This is a pair of pants that I made my 4 year old.  What does trusting in God (step 3) have in common with sewing a pair of pants?  Well read and you will find out :)

Sometimes I like to pretend that I can sew and that I am getting good at it.  Well with fall and winter coming I dug out the clothes and found that the girls really have no pants. So I thought about making them some since like I said, sometimes I like to pretend I can sew.  But then I realized that really, there was no way to do this. Fabric, patterns, thread, elastic... All that is expensive and since they have NO pants, well that is a lot of pairs of pants to make and a lot of stuff to buy.  So I was thinking about how to just buy some pants.  Well Then that wont really work for the 2 year old because she is just barely 2, she fits in an 18 month length in pants, but she is potty trained, so without the diaper, they come nowhere close to fitting. So we go back to making them.  Well a friend of our Cranio-sacral therapist makes dog beds for the animal shelter.  She was given a whole bunch of corduroy.   She deemed the corduroy too beautiful to be used for doge and either burned or tossed.  So she asked her friend, our CST if she knew of anyone who could use the fabric.  Our CST said to me that we jumped right into her head!  So We were given the fabric.  There really is tons of it and it is beautiful fabric.
So patterns went on sale, I picked up a couple and I finally started to work.
I seriously have had problem after problem with these pants.  I have wanted to give up more than once.  I have had to unpick, restructure, re cut these pants.  That was all just the beginning.
Now let me back track just a bit.  I drove a friend home from our last meeting, and we sat talking a bit about step 3, which we had discussed in the meeting that night.  We talked about how we used to think that we trusted in God, but after learning more about the step, reading it, and trying to apply it in our lives we realized that maybe we don't.  This part really jumped out at me... "Continued submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives.  Small things like traffic jams are no longer cause for upset..." (LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program : A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. Step 3 page14)

I realized that while I may think I trust God, I really don't.  In the big things, for the most part, yes I do.  But the little things get to me.  They get to me a lot.  A lot more that I ever cared to admit before.  When we read that the other night it stuck with me.  I talked to my friend about it.  We had a great discussion about it.  It has stuck with me all week.  I have wondered how to change it.

Well tonight these pants taught me a lesson, about the little things, but in a big way.
You see, my kids having no pants because we can not afford to buy them is a big thing, right?  Yes, it is.  Well a way was provided that I could provide my kids with pants for cheap.  With this pair of pants a whole bunch of little things have stood in the way.
first, they were sewn together weird, I tried twice to fix them and was crying and just gave up, I was just making it worse.  After a couple hours I took some pictures and posted them in a sewing forum.  I got some tips.  Have you ever unpicked the work of a serger.  Um, YEAH.  I sat and did that.  I fixed the pants.  Then they sat, and sat.  Finally I decided to tackle the ruffles.  So today I started at 3.  I put new thread in my serger.  I didn't thread it right.  3 tries later I pulled out the book.  Still couldn't get it right, kept breaking this thread or that thread while in the middle of it. I must have re-threaded that thing 15 times.  I was irritated, frustrated and just done.  I wanted to chuck them and the serger out of the window.

Finally figure out my thread problem, get going again and a needle snapped off.  Now I am irate and about to call it quits and tell husband we are putting pants for the girls on the credit card because this is too much stress.  Then step 3 pops into my head, my discussion with my friend about the little things.  And Trusting in God for those too.  So I sat back, and said a prayer.  I told my Heavenly Father that I couldnt do this, I needed help, and these pants and the warmth of my kids depended on Him and I would trust in Him to guide me through this.

Guess what?  Well obviously from the picture above, you know that the pants worked.  Did they go right together after that?  No they didn't.  I broke another needle, had a few other snafu's with it.  But really for the most part they did.  And my attitude changed too.  And I said another quick prayer or two as I was struggling feeding them through my machine.

They are done though, they look ok too. And I learned a lesson.  You cant really fully trust in God for the big things unless you know He has your back on the small things too.   I think now every time she wears those pants I am going to remember that Trusting in God in the small things helps us to trust in Him in the big things. Small things do matter.  Small things in every way, good or bad lead to big things.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The light of Christ.

This picture was taken by my husband when we went on a family bike ride.  There is this trail called the route of the Hiawatha.  It is on the ID/ MT border at lookout Pass Ski Resort.   See how dark that tunnel looks?  You know how long that tunnel is? 1.7 miles.  That is a LONG tunnel.  And it has a curve in it so you can not always see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Did I mention it was DARK in there?  Really, really dark!  Do you see in the foreground the little strips of grass? Next to those strips are little canals or gutters.  They are 18 inches deep and they go clear through the tunnel.  Did I mention it is dark in there?  And cold, and wet, and you can hear water running.  You have to have a good light in there.  And even then, your light doesnt light up much except right there in your space.  Well I had our son on his little trail-a-bike that attaches to my bike.  My husband had our daughters in a trailer attached to his bike.  I had gone ahead of my husband because he stopped to put their rain guard on because on the way through the first time they got dripped on from the ceiling and splattered at from his tire.  Well I didnt realixe how much the first time though his light behind me had helped not only me but my son.  With my light clear up on my handle bars he had no light.  I doubt he could even see me.
My son got scared and was crying, he didnt know where he was he was lost.  I tell you I think he learned a lot about faith that day.  I know I did.  I also learned about the light of Christ and how it dispells the darkness.
While going through there the darkness was just so confining.  It was scary even for me.  Yet it hit me that I had a little bit of light and our lives are dark too at times.  There is so much out there pressing in on us.  We all have trials that weigh us down and press in on us.  As long as we have light though even if it isnt very bright we have hope.  We might only be able to see a tiny bit in front and to the sides of us, but it is more than we would have without any light.  That light is the light of Christ.  All of us who believe in Him are entitled to have that light in our lives.  I thought about this while at the same time as trying to comfort my son and pedaling as fast as I dared, which was actually fairly fast.  Then I thought, ok I have a light, and I am comparing it to Christ.  I cant share my physical light with him, but I can share the light of Christ with him.  So I did.  I asked him if he wanted me to sing.  He said yes.  The first song he chose was "Nephi's Courage".  How fitting was that?  (

So I sang it.  He asked for another. I sang this one "My Heavenly Father Loves Me".(

Then the last one. "A Child's Prayer" (

You know what I learned (again) is that if your cup is full you can share it with others, and you can help others.  Did he get any physical light?  No he didnt, but he got spiritual light and calming.  I was glad I was able to help him.

My husband also taught me about light.  His light failed him.  He thought he was prepared, but his battery died.  How often do we all think we have done enough to be prepared then we are hit with a trial and find out we aren't?  My husband found out the hard way.  (luckily this time it was just physical light he was lacking not spiritual!)  You remember those ditches I told you about?  Well as his light failed he ran the poor girls off into that ditch.  Luckily they were belted in and had helmets, and luckily there was a wall there to keep them from tipping over and really going into the ditch!  Also my husbands bike did not make it into the ditch, just part of the trailer did.  They were in there probably all of 5 seconds, he knew when he swerved that it was coming and as soon as they tipped he was off his bike dragging it out of the ditch.  There was a lovely couple not too far behind him that heard the crash and stopped to help.  They used their lights to escort him out of the tunnel. one just ahead of him and the other just behind him.  They used their full lights to share and to light his way.  If we are prepared and if we are full we can share without taking away from ourselves.  But only if we are full and prepared.
I really learned a lot from that, and I am striving to stay full.  It's hard with 3 kids, but it can be done.  We have so mant resources available to us.  If we can find a few minutes to wind down in front of the computer or the TV why cant we find a few minutes to sit and open the scriptures, or an ensign?  It will help keep your cup  and your light full so you can share it with others when they are in need.  And sharing with others adds more than it takes away.


Our little group is growing.  It makes me sad but happy at the same time.  Happy that those that are suffering with this addiction are coming forward and dealing with it and learning to heal and grow.  Also that they are contributing to our group and helping us help each other.  Sad that they  are afflicted with this trial.  I think the happy outweighs the sad though because all of us have trials one way or another, and this particular trial doesnt just go away.  You need help, and these ladies are reaching out for it, and that makes me happy!

Friday, August 3, 2012

How do you do it?

Someone said to me the other day, I dont know how you do it.  I have heard this a lot.  It has taken 7 years to get to where I am now.  That is a long time.  Just because where I am now is strong and good it does not mean it was a pretty trip getting here.  Some parts were, but more parts were ugly.  Very difficult and ugly.  Still I have bad days, days where I say or do something I regret, but who doesnt?  Those days are getting fewer and a lot farther between.  Habits (i.e reactions to situations) are hard to break.  It can be done though.  Through the Atonement of our Savior everyone can change.  Sometimes it is harder than others.  It can be done though with work.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


So on Sunday I spoke at a combined men/ women meeting (5th sunday priesthood/ Relief Society).  The Missionaries that are in charge of the womens night are in that ward and they invited me to speak about the program.  I did.  I was SO NERVOUS.  I dont know why.  I have never been so nervous in my life.  Even my cheeks were shaking!  It was good though.  People were SO SO attentive.  I could see just about everyones eyes right on me the entire time.  There was not any whispering, shuffling, nothing of the sort that I detected at all.  Maybe that is partly why I was so nervous.  It was good though.  I enjoyed the opportunity and I hope I helped someone there.  I may be doing it again in other units.We will see.

This can be over come.  You can feel loved and appreciated again.  If not by your spouse, by yourself and your Father in Heaven.  He never stopped. :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Today was just awful.  I dont know why.  We slept in (YAY) so that started out well.  But within minutes it was just awful and just kept getting worse and worse.  Finally at some point this afternoon I said enough is enough.  I said a little prayer and just said I cant do this, I am done and I need help.  Guess what?  I got it.  I calmed down, the kids calmed down and were behaved and played with each other like they actually liked each other.  It was nice.  Going to have to remember that!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Atonement is for everyone.

But I am not a sinner.  So?  The Atonement is still for you!  How?  Mathew 11:28-29 (KJV) "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

October 23, 2001 as part of a BYU devotional David A Bednar said. "There is no physical pain, no anguish of the soul, no suffering of the spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first.  You an I are in a moment of weakness may cry our 'no one understands. No one knows' No human being perhaps knows,  But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did.  And because he paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, he has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of life.  He can reach out, touch and succor_ literally run to us_ and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power."

Wow.  Could you imagine what you could become, what you could achieve if you leaned on the Atonement?  You could be a spiritual powerhouse!  And with that you could do great and wonderful things!  Everyone around you would feel nothing but love from you. I am trying to become someone like that.

We talked about some interesting stuff in our group meeting the other night.  The Greek definition of perfect is whole, complete, finished.  So in that definition my family is perfect.  We have all the children we feel our ours, so we are whole, complete, finished.  We are not spotless though.  And spotless does not equal perfect.  We are working on becoming spotless, the husband and I are.  The kids, well since they are all under 8 they are spotless. We dont have to be perfect but we do have to be spotless.  Repenting and using the atonement to help us heal helps us to become spotless.

The atonement is for us all.  I know this now better than I ever have before.  The Atonement can help me and you become a better parent, wife, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker.  Which ever hat(s) you wear.  All we have to do is ask and little by little start turning our hearts to Our Father in Heaven.  Our Savior is there to lift us up.  He is waiting.  He isnt just waiting for the sinners.  He is waiting for YOU. He is waiting for me. Reach out, take His hand and let Him guide you.

Don't just read, actually study, ponder, think, feel.  Dont just pray, talk!  Talk to your Father in Heaven like he is your best friend.  and LISTEN too.  He does talk back!
That is what I am going to work on this week.

Monday, July 16, 2012

cycles of Addiction

I feel it is beneficial to understand how Addicts cycle.  They all do, Some are just more apparent than others.  If you can learn about it you might be able to start seeing the pattern.  If you can see the pattern is when you can start breaking the cycle.

Codependency is also a form of addiction.  One that also needs to be recognized before it can be broken.

Friday, June 29, 2012

I understand

I know how you feel.  I know how it feels to be blamed for another persons actions.  I know how you feel to be told they could change if you did X, Y, or Z.

I know how it feels to put on your happily married face and attend church and pretend life is perfect at home.

I know how it feels to need a Priesthood Blessing and be afraid to ask for one because your spouse is unworthy and you have no one to turn to.  You are to embarrassed by yourself and your spouse to call someone and ask them to do what everyone thinks your spouse is worthy to do.

I have been told that I had no right to be hurt and angry by his continual looking at other women.  One person told me this because "men have their needs"  Ya, well I have my needs too.  Some men can look without being addicted.  Just like some people can have a glass of wine at dinner every once in a while and not be addicted.  Some cant.  Mine cant.  They don't know what it is like to live with an addict. The other person who told me this used her perfect example of herself to tell me that she found out her husband had been looking at porn and she asked him to stop because it made her feel bad.  So he did.  All I had to do was ask my husband to stop.  Not be angry at him.  That was difference one between us. Don't you think I tried that?  I wish it was that simple.  It wasn't.  My marriage vows were broken by him repeatedly.  I was married in the Temple. (Difference two was they weren't.)  In the Temple we make a covenant that we will cleave unto our spouse and to none other and be chaste.  That was all broken time and again.

It hurt to have people tell me this.  It made me feel like I was worthless and that I was the one with the problem.

I have been told how lucky I am to have a Priesthood holder in the home and I should thank the Lord every night for it and not take it for granted anymore.  

Little did she know what was going on.  Yes I had a priesthood holder because he had in fact been ordained.  He wasn't worthy of it though, thus he couldn't use it.  So basically I had none.

In the last 3 years I encouraged a friend of mine who was being abused to leave.  To get a divorce.  All the while feeling like a hypocrite for it.  I was living with an addict.  Abuse and addiction have so many entwining factors and behaviors.  I encouraged her to do what I couldn't do.  She also did not have an eternal marriage.  I wonder if I would have left had we not had one?  I don't know.  

I used to think it was worth staying.  After the roller coaster of the last month I don't know.  Last week I was contemplating it again after the numerous fights and the refusal to pick up and go forward.
Finally Finally last night we got to the point of yelling and screaming and suddenly after I finally gave up and walked away it hit him.  We are finally to where we can pick up and move forward.  yet another cycle complete.  Hopefully we dont have to do another one.  I dont know if I can handle it.  especially after 15 months of good.  Even though I am healing and overcoming the bitterness and the anger, I still dont know how many more cycles I will last through.  At least I know that by giving it to Christ through the Atonement If I leave, I will leave whole, not broken.  Before I would have left broken and done more damage to my children and myself.  Hopefully we dont ever have to come to that point again as to where I want to leave.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Dears sisters in the Gospel,

I put this together to share with you my experience.  I am not finished with my journey yet, but I have come so far.  I know there are others who share in the feelings that I have felt; who have had similar experiences as I have.  I married someone who was addicted to pornography.  He was addicted to it long before we married.  He was addicted to it long after.  Only in the last 15 months has he been able to say that he is in recovery, that he is overcoming, or has overcome his addiction.  It has been a long hard road for us.  We have tried many different things, been through a couple of different programs.  While some of them were mildly to moderately helpful, there has only been one that has been truly helpful.
The program is the Addiction Recovery Program from the Church.  My husband started in this program a couple of times, the last time he started it was when our stake introduced the night specifically for pornography.  We now have a third ARP group.  This one is for us, the women who are married to addicts.  It is a group for us to learn how we can overcome the feelings that we may have felt during this addiction; the feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, control, anger, hate, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, isolation, helplessness.  How many times have we felt that we were not a good enough wife, mother, daughter of God?  How many times have we felt that we did something terribly wrong at some point in order to deserve these feelings?
Doctrine and Covenants 121:37 states “when we undertake…to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men…the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved.”
Through the ARP program we learn that there is hope.  There is healing.  There is forgiveness.  All of this is given to us through Christ.   We learn that the more we try to fix our loved ones the more out of control our own lives become.  Elder Bednar taught us that “You and I cannot control the intentions or the behavior of other people.  However, we do determine how we will act” (Ensign November 2006)
We learn that we are not the saviors of our spouse.  The only one that can save them is Jesus Christ.  He is also the only one that can save us.  First we have to be willing to let Him.  Just as we cannot control others our Savior cannot control us.  We can hand our lives over to our Heavenly Father and have Him guide us while using the Atonement to help us heal and forgive.   We cannot improve our situation by waiting around for things to change.  We have to be willing to make the changes that we can make, and let the Savior through His Atonement do the rest. 
Mathew 11:28-29 states “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”
Sisters, Come unto Christ.  Give him your sorrow, your ill feelings, let Him help heal you.  Learn that the atonement was not given only for sinners, but for those with heavy hearts, minds.  Who are troubled in any manner?  The Atonement is as much for us as it is for our husbands.

No longer can you tell yourself that no one understands. No one knows.  The Savior knows.  He is waiting to help heal you.
I know, I understand.  That is why I am writing this.  That is why I am willing to do anything I can to further this work.  It is the work or our Father in Heaven, the work of our Savior Jesus Christ, our older brother! 
There is help, there is healing, there is hope, forgiveness.  The ARP program can help you see that. 

Elder Richard G Scott Taught: “ Trust in God…no matter how challenging the circumstance… Your peace of mind, Your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.” 

Elder Jeffrey R Holland reminded us “every person in every era has had to walk by Faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan.  Just be faithful and know God is in charge He knows your name and He knows your need”
Please know that you are not alone.  Your husband may or may not be ready to overcome his addiction, if he isn’t do not let that stop you from healing.  Attend the meetings.  Do whatever you can to get there.  For some in our stake it is a long way to travel.  I tell you it is worth it.  Talk to your Bishop if you need help in getting there.  Talk to your Bishop if you plan to attend and can take someone else.  If you go to your Bishop and say, I want to go to the support group and I can take someone with me.  The Bishop can then go to the person that has come to him and asked for a way to get there.  Go to your Bishop or your Relief Society President and tell them that you want to offer help to anyone who has the desire to attend the meetings, some sisters may need a babysitter.  I know we did for awhile.  We had a lovely Sister in our ward offer to babysit so we could attend the meetings together before they separated out the nights.  That was invaluable for us. 
Attend the Temple when you can.  If you do not feel worthy to attend, talk to your Bishop; talk to your Father in Heaven.  If the only reason you don’t feel worthy is because you feel held down by the addiction of another, let it go.  You can do it.  There is hope, healing and forgiveness.

I know firsthand the struggle to fully feel the spirit in your life.  To not be able to feel the fullness of the saviors love for you, for your Father in Heavens love for you.  When your mind is so full of the negative, the hurt, shame and guilt it buries your spirit.  Through using the Atonement to help heal you can learn again of your worthiness of a Daughter of God.  You can learn that you are loved and cherished.  That you are a beautiful person inside and out and you can do whatever you want to do with and in your life as long as you are close to the spirit.
Even if you are not the spouse of an addict you can feel some of these same feelings.  You too can use the atonement of our Savior to overcome these feelings.  Do not disregard these things just because you may not be the spouse of an addict.  If you have feelings of not being enough, use the Atonement in your life.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


So last night we were talking.  Today because of what we were talking about last night and the way that it went I feel like it is all my fault. I feel inadequate and worthless.  I feel like I never will be what he wants me to be and frankly I do not know if I ever do.  I'm tired of not being enough. He does thank me for things like work done around here, things done with the kids and he is appreciative of that, but then since I am not enough in other areas it takes away from everything else.  Why do I feel like it is all my fault?   Today is a hard day.  a very hard one.  Need to find something to pick me up.  I can not let it drag me down.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Today is our eighth anniversary.  I actually feel like this year we have something to celebrate.  I think there has only been one other time in the last 8 years that I felt this way.  I do this time and I guess that is what is important. I am happy to go out and celebrate!  45 minutes and our sitter gets here :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

getting it out.

getting it out so I can let it go.  I cannot tell you how many times people who were related to my husband would call me on the phone for one reason or the other and they would spend so long pointing out EVERY. LITTLE.THING that I did wrong.  They told me repeatedly that they hated me.  They would never like me, they would never accept me as family.  I had to apologize for every little thing.  My apology to them was never good enough, I didn't apologize for the right thing, in the right way.   You would think that being that I was his wife and I was under attack from those that were close to him that he would put a stop to it.  I begged him, I pleaded with him.  I refused to go to gatherings where they were.  I was told that I had to just let it go, grow thicker skin, ignore it and just be the bigger person and play nice.  We would in no way stay away from the situation.  We had to be a part of it.  I was his wife and no matter what I had to stand by him and go with him.
there was over 2 years of it.  I quit answering on the phone  I would get 3 sometimes 4 voice-mails in a row that they would call back each time so they could dump all over me.  Once the voice-mail would cut them off they would call right back until they were finished.  When that didn't work they would email.  Sometimes I would email back.  Sometimes I would attack back.  It was an awful situation.

Finally he decided enough was enough.  It was too late.  There was no way to stop the snowball rolling down the steep hill.  It was through the program that we were in that he learned finally that the behavior was wrong.  It had to be him that put his foot down and put a stop to it.  By then it was too late.  They hated so deep that him trying to put a stop to it just pushed them harder.  It ended in them reporting us to child protective services.  That was a horrid moment in our lives.  I knew I wasn't the best parent, but I was trying.  I wasn't the worst parent either.  I didn't beat my kids, they always had plenty in the way of physical needs.  They got play time with me and outside.  I did emotionally neglect them though.  I was detached from them.  I couldn't deal with it all.  I was emotionally detached from everyone and everything around me, including myself.  It wasn't just them.    I was lucky that I wasn't totally detached from the Spirit because the day CPS walked through my door The spirit had prompted me to do somethings around the house.  One of which was not putting off the carpet cleaning any longer.  EVeryone had been sick with a horrible stomache bug.  2 kids in diapers that would explode, kids puking.  I was sick too.  The carpet in the main living area of our house was awful.  I had of course cleaned up after every incident, but the smell was still there we had finally just gotten to the end of the worst of things and had borrowed a carpet cleaner.  I was prompted that instead of napping then cleaning (the kids were asleep) that I should shampoo the carpet then nap while it dried.  I did, and I was ever so glad. I cannot imagine what she would have thought walking into that after a call had already been placed.

The case with CPS ended well.  We had to get all sorts of stuff from the doctors. The Early Intervention person and the Occupational Therapist that worked with my son were contacted after we signed releases from them.  We had our initial visit from the social worker, had a doctors appointment with our doctor and with the CPS nurse.  The case was decided that it was a "retaliation case" We were asked if we were in a fight with family or friends because that is the only reason they could see that they had been called.

At the beginning of the case  we had called a neighbor who went to church with us and was also a Lawyer.  We called him for advice and support.  He came over and gave us both Priesthood Blessings.  We were both told that the called had been placed out of the fault of others, not the fault of ours.

It was the final straw for my husband.  We were already planning on moving.  Had stuff already started being packed.  In fact there were several boxes of stuff sitting around when CPS walked in.  She even noted the fact that it looked like were were moving either in or out.  my husband gave some of the people involved a chance to make amends.  They didn't want to.  So we left without saying good bye.  It was hard, but had to be done.

We worked hard on forgiving them.  It was hard though.  How can you forgive someone after so much had been said and done?  How could your forgive someone who wasn't sorry?
In the Book of Mormon we learn from the book of Third Nephi 13:14-15  "For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
There is also that saying that carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

We were counseled at one point that there is a big difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again.  Most of the time people think that to forgive means to trust.  You can forgive an abuser, a rapist, a murderer, but that does not mean you have to trust them and place yourself with them again.  You can forgive them and not carry that burden of hate with you against them.  Trust is earned, they have to earn trust, but they don't have to earn forgiveness.

It took awhile, but we forgave them.  I am not writing this to get out my feelings for them, but my feelings for my spouse.  I wasn't good enough for him to stand up for.  I wasn't worth the time to him.  He knows he has done wrong, he knows what he should have done.  He has apologized for it.  I have partly forgiven him for it, now it is time to finish.

Learning to let go

Doing this is hard.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.
Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( )

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.
Elder David A. Bednar:  "you cannot control the intentions of behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act.( )

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.
This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( )

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Quote for the day.

Elder Richard G. Scott : "when you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions.  Some serve a useful purpose; others do not.  To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this,now? What have I don't to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? ( )

Also with this... Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin "Often those who struggle with adversity ask the question Why dis this happen to me? They spend sleepless nights wondering why they feel so lonely, sick, discouraged, oppressed, or brokenhearted.  The question, Why me? can be a difficult one to answer and often leads to frustration and despair.  There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is What could I learn from this experience. ( )

The difference in questions is small.  Yet their meaning is so different.  I cannot tell you how many times I have asked the first sets of questions.  So many times.  Over and over.  I have prayed, I have said them nicely in my prayers.  I have screamed and hollered them in my prayers.  My attitude wasn't right.  Sometime recently I have changed, with the encouragement of my husband I have started asking the latter questions.  Thing are so different.  Some of our current situations are no different, but the feelings in dealing with them are.  There is a calmness.  We have now asked for direction and are patiently waiting.  We have some answers, but mostly we have comfort.  For right now the comfort will suffice, I know the answers will come because I am finally asking the right questions.  I have my perspective right and we are doing all we can.  WE are on the right path.

a Little background

I married a man who was addicted to Pornography.  He had been since a child.  While we were dating it was not nearly as gripping as it became later on.  He had counseled with his Bishop about it and had often counseled with his dad.  He felt that was sufficient to be past it.  For some, that may be enough.  For him it wasn't.  I learned about it right about the time that we became pregnant with our first son.   For the first couple of months I was naive and pushed it away.  It was not long that it started to control our lives.  I quickly became a codependent.  I continued to allow it out of my ignorance.  Over the years it got to be too much and I couldn't break my cycle either.

I was overcome with so many emotions.  I hated myself, my spouse, I was angry, hurt, ashamed, helpless, alone, fearful, regretful.  After the birth of our first child I developed Postpartum Depression.  It was ugly.  It was of course made worse by entering into it with the above listed feelings.  I had overwhelming thoughts.  They were very dark and often times morbid.  This further added to my feelings of self hate.  The more I withdrew the more my husband did.  The deeper he became involved in his addiction.

I sought therapy after coming very close one night to attempting suicide.  That was my first round with a professional therapist.  She was mildly helpful.  She did not understand how dark postpartum depression can get.  There were somethings related to our overall situation that were helpful.  My husband did not agree with those things and for the sake of not having to deal with him I let go of counseling.

I was introduced to craniosacral therapy and Applied Kinnesiology.  Both of these therapies were helpful in releasing me from the PPD.  While I was still dealing with codependency and the negative feelings about myself I was no longer in the dark awful depths of PPD.

not long after the birth of our second child I took the kids and I left.  I was only able to go away for a few days, but it had made the first impact on my husband of what his addiction was doing to us.  I made it clear to him why I was leaving.  While I was gone he told me time and time again he could not wait till we got home, he missed us.  I told him I did not under any circumstances want to come home I hated him and I hated our life there.  He promised to seek help and to get better.  Of course I had no option but to return home.  I had no place to go and so home we went.  That was in February.

Late June came around and still nothing from him except addiction.  He then started blaming me for his not being able to overcome his addiction.  Finally one day I told him that he had a week.  I was done. He had a week to find a place for him to live or to get serious help.  Not just promise to find it but to actually obtain it.  He agreed that it was what needed to be done.  Then next evening after the kids were asleep we had someone watch the kids and went for a walk.  He walked with me over to a house in the neighborhood where a friend from church lived.  She was a therapist, this we knew.  Little did we know that she worked specifically with pornography addiction recovery.  She accepted us and got us into a program that she was a part of.  We both got therapy and group sessions.

That was where we started learning about codependency.  That was where for the first time I had someone tell me that it was not my fault.  They told me that I did nothing to deserve his behavior nor did I do anything to make him act the way he did.  It was all his choice.  He was told that HE had to be accountable for his actions, for his recovery, and for all the hurt and pain it caused others around him.

We were only able to be a part of that program for a short time.  for one it was very expensive, for another we moved.  We brought our program books with us and finished them on our own.  Things were good for a long time.  He had some relapses, but nothing long lasting.

We decided to have a third child.  During the time that I was pregnant he relapsed more and more.  He finally took notice when he realized that he had developed feelings for a co-worker.  As hurtful and degrading as the addiction was, this was so much worse.  He had crossed the final line that I had set down and he knew that as well.  I wanted out more than ever at that point.  How could I get out?  We had moved hundreds of miles away from all family and friends.  We were living mostly on student loans.  Neither of us had anywhere to go.  At that point I had already started to heal some, but with his news the backslide was harsh and deep.

He then started a 12 step program similar to the 12 steps of the AA Program. that was 21 months ago.  He has had 15 months of sobriety.  He has ownership over himself and his addiction.  We are now learning to grow together and support and uplift each other.  This is my journey to healing.


There are a lot of people in the world that believe Pornography and the things that come along with it are a perfectly natural part of life.  They feel that men have their needs and they can satisfy them in this way.

Then there are those of us that believe that it is wrong.  We may believe it is wrong because our Morals or our church tell us it is.  We may believe it is only wrong for a married man, but not a single man.

This is here for those that feel it is wrong.  For those who are healing from the effects of a loved ones addiction.  Pornography can become an addiction just as Alcohol, meth, heroine, gambling.  There are all sorts of things around us that can become addiction.  Sugar, Caffeine, Chocolate, abuse, food, prescription drugs.  While some of them may seem silly, all can become terribly gripping addictions.  An addiction is when you can think of nothing else but your next time.  When your life revolves about planning, attempting, achieving.  When this becomes your focus as you get more caught up in it you become unable to sleep, eat, think without first satisfying your need for whatever it is that you have become addicted to.
It gets to the point where it affects every aspect of your life.

This is here so that those who have been hurt by a loved ones addiction may come to know that there is hope.  There is help and healing through the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.  He not only died for sinners, also for those who have burdens, who are mourning, or are heavy in heart.  Mathew 11:28-30 states "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in hear: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Friday, May 25, 2012


That moment when you realize that you driving everywhere or close to it for the past eight years has always been about control no matter how good the reasons were it has always been control based. Going to have to give that one up. It may be hard and I can still drive sometimes but it needs to not be about control when I do.

Also today something else is bugging me. Of course spouse is going to read this and it may ruin it but that is ok this is my healthy outlet. See we are leaving town soon him in one direction the kids and I in another. No big deal there but he has a calling that he can have no part of for three weeks. Now the control me wants to nag him until he sits down and calls someone to cover him. I can't go that though and it's hard because if he doesn't do it then be will take a fall and it will be my fault ( not really my fault I know that now) so I guess this will suffice as his reminder because to nag is to control and be codependent. The journey is fun isn't it? A learning process for sure. Where is the line between a helpful reminder and a codependant behavior?

It has been said that my husband has ADD and we used to believe that. We are changing that belief as we learn more about addiction. Tonight I believe that he doesn't have ADD it's just that for so long he has been controlled by someone with codependent behavior( I am not the first codependent he has had) that he can't put things in his memory. Why go to that work when you have someone to do it for you. I guess part of his recovery is going to have to be him retraining his brain to remember things.

ETA: after he read this he said his calling is all taken care of.

Step one

Honesty. Come to admit that I am powerless over the addiction of another-that my life is becoming unmanageable.
At times I have been controlled by feelings of: hate (myself) hate (towards my spouse),Evny (towards all the *perfect* marriages out there) Fear, guilt, unworthiness, ineptness, emptiness, solitude.
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought "If only I had (not)_________ then he wouldnt have his addiction." Or "he could overcome it if I was______"  There are lots and lots of different things that could go in those blanks.  So many, and they would all be different for each different person and each different addiction.  

Our addicted loved ones begin to make progress when they accept the truth that they are powerless to overcome their addiction.  Step one for us begins with the same truth- we are also powerless over our loved ones' addiction. Many of us tried in vain to control our loved one;s behavior only to find out lives periodically overwhelmed with a frustrating and impossible task.  We may have believed this to be our spiritual responsibility to end another persons addiction.  We become fearful of what might happen to our loved ones. (APR manual)

Doing this becomes easy.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.  

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.  

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.
This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

How does understanding the power of addiction, help me to recognize that I cannot control my loved one's  addictive behavior and choices?

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

In what ways have I tried to control my loved one in addiction? What emotions may have motivated my behaviors?

So many ways.  I tried to force him to be helpful around the house.  To "be the man" To provide for us, to finish school.  I picked his major.  I picked up forms, I filled them out.  I handled everything that came in whether it be for the kids, him, myself.  I took care of it all so he wouldn't have to do any of it.
I think my main motivator was guilt.  If I was able to do it all then he could focus only on recovery.  And when I failed to do it all his addiction became my fault.  When he would "slip up" it was my fault because I hadn't done something right, or good enough.

What can I do to begin to choose how I respond rather than emotionally react to the circumstances around me.
the first step to this is recognizing the difference between choosing how you react and having an emotional reaction.  An emotional reaction happens with no thought to the circumstance, or the consequences of the reaction.  When you chose to react, there is a thought process involved. Even if it isn't a long though process, it is still a though process.  You see your step and you can foresee some of the consequences whether they be good or bad.
So I would say learning to think first.

How does understanding my own nothingness without God's power help me recognize that I can not cause,control, or cure my loved one's addiction? 
Understanding that God is all powerful, yet he still cannot control the actions of another person helps me to realize that I cannot either.  I am not more than God.  I can't do something that he can't/  And that is OK!  It is not up to me.  It is only up to me to control how I react to anothers actions. 

In my efforts to help my addicted loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself? Have I neglected loving interactions or awareness of the physical and emotional needs of my children or spouse?

For years I quit wearing make-up, dressing daily, doing my hair.  There was no point, there was no time.  I quit reading my scriptures and feeding my soul.  I quit doing the things that I wanted to do for ME. My kids at times have been terribly neglected.  Never in their physical needs but in their emotional and spiritual needs.  

What can I learn from this life experience? How can it become and opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future?
There is so much to learn from this life experience.  To much to put here.  I can put this here for now though.  I can learn that when we give up control of our life to Our Father in Heaven good things come.  We no longer are frustrated to the point of screaming because if the actions of another.  we let Gods light shine in us and it fills all the dark empty spots.  Yes we will still have trials, but nothing that can't be overcome if we are in the hands of God. 

It can be an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom  by talking, writing, reading, and DOING.  To write things down gives you perspective.  It gives you a place to put your feelings, to see your growth.  when you see your growth you can see what you have learned.  When you have learned something now, it can only benefit you in the future.  Especially if you have a place to look back on it.