My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Hearts of the fathers...

Today we buried my grandmother.  It was sweet.  She was 89 and lived a long wonderful life.  She has wanted to go for oh so long.  Her husband died 20 years ago.  It was sad, but happy.  Last week on my trek down there, it hit me I had never talked to her at all about dealing with addiction.  I realized then that on the other side she would know and would be a great support for me in healing.

As soon as it became apparent that I wasnt going to make it my sister called and held the phone to my Grandma's ear and I got to say good-bye.  I asked her to watch over me and to help me.  I know she will.

I know some who believe that once we get over to the other side we will be so busy preparing for the second coming of our Savior that we wont be paying attention to what goes on down here, especially not enough to come visit.  (now they may be more thinking along the "ghost story lines... I have never clarified with them)
My firm belief is that our ancestors are there on the other side and they are still with us when we need it.  I have seen and felt my ancestors at times.

My Grandmother dealt with an addicted loved one.  She knows what we go through.  I learned today something that I had heard briefly a long time ago, learned in more depth that she had more of the same struggles that I have had.  I fully believe as is talked about in the Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that we are to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers.  As part of this I know that they are there to help us.  lift us when we s tumble.  and love us through it.  ESPECIALLY if it is something that they have experienced.  How else are we supposed to turn our hearts to each other if we are not helping one another?

I am grateful for my grandparents, all of them.  for the love and strength they have given me.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Long time

It's been a long time.  Far too long.  Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.

I'm back.

It's been a long few months.  We moved, are trying to get settled.  Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.

I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things.  Especially the little things.

We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing.  But it was hard, I  last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her.  We didn't make it.  I almost turned around and came home.  I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home.  So we continued on.

I am forever glad we did.  I was there with my dad when he needed me.  It was a trying experience for sure.  Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again.  But it's ok.  This is why we moved closer to family.

We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time.  We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him.  We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him.  We fought long and hard for him.  Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people.  WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah...  It has been a long road.  Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time.  If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.

We are now struggling with the littlest one too.  Todays struggle dealt with them both.  I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son.  It was awful.  I made him cry.  I shocked everyone.

My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time.  I said yes, so we went.  I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.

Then... God came in.

There was an almost 8 year old there playing.  She got into it with my 2 year old.  Mom stepped in.  I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in.  Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines.  I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore.  Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.

So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it.  Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body.  Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it.  I told mom that.  We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes.  Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him.  I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it.  I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.

Their story was our story minus the therapies.  She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us.  They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting.  So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed.  I really think we both learned so much from our conversation.  WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.

God is there.  He has a plan, he is ready to help.  Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself.  But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide.  Look for Him.