My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Personal inventory (step 4)

I am trying to create a personal inventory.  I don't know how.  I have the manual to help me, but that is it.  Well I have my Heavenly Father too.  I have been praying and thinking about it for several weeks.  Today during nap time I sat down and wrote 3 pages.  Yet I came away feeling both like I accomplished something and like I didn't do it right.  What I wrote feels more like a blog post than an inventory.  I fell like I did it wrong, and yet I wrote what was in my heart and in my head.    I am more or less the facilitator of our group (waiting for final approval from the Bishop) I have no one to advise me on my inventory.  No one to help me complete step 5.  I had an idea of who to go to, but Now I don't think it feels right.  I don't feel the inventory is complete, or done right.  But how could it not be done right? There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's personal and there are many many ways to do it.  I think mostly I just feel inadequate.  I think there has been very few places and situations in my life that I have felt like What I have done was good enough or that I was good enough.  I grew up without much praise.  Not that my parents were bad parents, they had many many struggles that I saw and knew that they were doing their best.  But through growing up I was rarely made to feel like I had done all I could.  Often times through my husbands addiction that has been thrown at me by him in many ways.  It has been thrown at me by so many people in so many places.

I have had praise too.  Every month when I teach people thank me for my lesson, tell me how wonderful it was.  Yet I still feel so inadequate.  and writing my inventory I feel the same.  It isn't the processes of it that makes me feel that way, it was a relief to write it, freeing.  Yet Now a couple hours later I feel like I did it all wrong.  Probably because The Adversary wants me to feel that way.  I wish I had someone I could share it with.  Someone in the know.  That is my prayer for now.  Along with continued prayers in the inventory because I don't feel it is finished.  I feel there is more inside that needs to come out.  not in the inadequate way, but in the helpful, search for more and let it out so you can finish healing way.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Just feeling defeated.  Really defeated.  We are in a tough situation over here.  We reached out for help and we got shut down.  Told nope, no help would be received.  It hurts.  We are getting desperate in our situation and have barely been hanging on for months now.  There is no end in sight.  We are doing all we can to try and better our situation.  We are mostly playing a waiting game.  And at the end of the rope we reached out and got denied.
I feel awful too that I got asked to help out someone else in the ward.  The compassionate service leader called me and asked me to fill a need.  I had to tell her that I couldn't.  I couldn't fill the need without my family potentially going without.  I am down on myself for not being able to help.  For not just helping when there was a need.  I hate not being able to help when it is asked for because so often I ask for help and get turned away.

I'm tired of this hole we are in.  I am trying to make the best of it, but it isnt working anymore.  I am falling apart and dont have the strength to keep holding on.    I really don't understand why we cant just have our need filled. Filling the main need would fill in all the gaps for the other needs.  But we can not find a way to fill that one need.  We have been searching for that way for 2 years now.  no, more than that.  Nothing is coming our way.  and I dont understand why.  When my husband was in the middle of his addiction all our needs were always met, by someone somewhere.  Now when he is at his best place in recovery and so am I the gaps in other areas are getting bigger and not being filled.  no matter how hard we try or what we do.  Promises of help from other people are forgotten about or put off, and other times we are just flat out told no there will be no help.
Why?  Why do people promise they will do something and then not follow through?  Why do people say, Call me I want to help then turn you away when you do call?