Tuesday, November 10, 2015
I conduct the music for the congregation in our Sacrament meeting each Sunday. In music when you are conducting, playing or singing there is measures (the vertical lines between the notes) each measure has a certain amount of counts in it. The start of each measure is usually the down beat. It is the strongest played, and sung. There is supposed to be a power there. I probably am not explaining this right and might make my music friends mad but it makes sense to me...
Anyway the down beat is the most important.
When I was conducting instead of merely singing Be Still My Soul the down beats stuck out to me. Why? because first off the song starts off on a rest. Them half of the measures, the down beat the most important beat start out on a rest.
Why? I pondered this for a while.
The answer is in the song. Be still my soul. On the most important parts of life you need to be still. And listen to the Still small voice. Take a moment to pause and listen. Especially if you are praying for an answer. Take that moment when it is most important and for a moment be still.
I'm not sure if I can copy and paste the lyrics because it says thy aren't to be copied without express permission of the owner, which I don't have. so here is a link to the lyricshttps://www.lds.org/music/text/hymns/be-still-my-soul?lang=eng Audio : <iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hqgC1tqifV8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> I'm trying to remember to do this while I ponder where we are at in life right nowIt's been a hard last few months.
The husband's job is changing. Trying to sort rumors from facts is hard especially when those in charge aren't giving much information.
We are fighting to get a kid on an IEP. Still. Same story different school.
He has struggled until the last month. Changing schools was hard on him. Harder in some ways than we thought it would be.
Harder for him, and harder for us. We would not have made it this far into the school year without the help of his amazing teacher.
We are again at that point where we aren't sure where to go or what to do. Of course part of our decision hangs on the fact that we are still waiting for a group of people to decide what they are going to do with our kid. What decisions they are going to make regarding him.
We have a group of people that keep telling us that they can't turn him down. that we have all our ducks in a row, we have diagnosis' they cant reject him. it's against the law.
It's a hard place to be in though. If they reject us how hard do we push back? How many people do I make angry in the process? I already have his old principal and others at the old school mad at me and now I don't get chosen to work in their school because I pushed back. I talked to the district for clarification and the district pushed.
Do I make another principal mad at me and get turned away from another school?
Do I fight for my son?
If I do fight for him why am I fighting for him? To prove I am a good parent? To help him? Am I fighting because no one fought for me?
This all has dredged up a ton of old feelings and emotions. All the times that people told me that I was stupid for thinking something was wrong with my son. All the times that I was told that I was looking for something that wasn't there. that I was pushing too hard to find someone that would confirm that something was wrong with him. That I only wanted something to be wrong with him because there is something wrong with me.
So again. Why am I fighting? because he needs me to, or I need me to so I can prove myself right?
I hate IEP meetings. They sit you at this huge table with all these highly educated people and you are a stupid college drop out. then they hand you papers to read. Oh ya, papers that if read at home where you weren't looked at and waited for would take you 30 minutes or more to read. the first time. then you likely would have to read them again a time or 2 to truly absorb what they are saying. They want to read it all right there and ask questions. I hate it. I don't read that well or that fast. They don't have 30+ minutes to sit there and wait for me to read it.
I hate that I cant fight for my son simply because I myself am a dyslexic and the more stupid I feel crowded into the room the less my brain will let me read or let me understand. It's truly frustrating. Then they start throwing all these things at you. asking for examples, specifics. Which ya I can come up with but that's the other downside of my dyslexia. Times and places and situations don't go hand in hand for me especially under stress. I'm to busy trying not to sound stupid that I end up sounding stupid. Then he doesn't get the help he needs because I cant get them to understand what he needs.
And I fail my son. Again.
Add to the fact that I am failing my daughter too.
Just ask her teacher. Parent teacher conferences for her were a huge blow. I haven't yet recovered fully from it.
So all this has been going on in my mind all day and all night lately all this and more. I have been trying to get on top but the more I try the more I fail.