My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Be Still My Soul

I conduct the music for the congregation in our Sacrament meeting each Sunday. In music when you are conducting, playing or singing there is measures (the vertical lines between the notes) each measure has a certain amount of counts in it. The start of each measure is usually the down beat.  It is the strongest played, and sung.  There is supposed to be a power there.  I probably am not explaining this right and might make my music friends mad but it makes sense to me...
Anyway the down beat is the most important.
When I was conducting instead of merely singing Be Still My Soul the down beats stuck out to me. Why?  because first off the song starts off on a rest.  Them half of the measures, the down beat the most important beat start out on a rest.
Why?  I pondered this for a while.
The answer is in the song.  Be still my soul.  On the most important parts of life you need to be still. And listen to the Still small voice.  Take a moment to pause and listen.  Especially if you are praying for an answer.  Take that moment when it is most important and for a moment be still.

I'm not sure if I can copy and paste the lyrics because it says thy aren't to be copied without express permission of the owner, which I don't have.  so here is a link to the lyrics Audio : <iframe width="420" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> I'm trying to remember to do this while I ponder where we are at in life right nowIt's been a hard last few months. 
The husband's job is changing.  Trying to sort rumors from facts is hard especially when those in charge aren't giving much information.
We are fighting to get a kid on an IEP.  Still.  Same story different school.
He has struggled until the last month.  Changing schools was hard on him.  Harder in some ways than we thought it would be. 
Harder for him, and harder for us.  We would not have made it this far into the school year without the help of his amazing teacher. 
We are again at that point where we aren't sure where to go or what to do.  Of course part of our decision hangs on the fact that we are still waiting for a group of people to decide what they are going to do with our kid.  What decisions they are going to make regarding him.

We have a group of people that keep telling us that they can't turn him down.  that we have all our ducks in a row, we have diagnosis'  they cant reject him. it's against the law.

It's a hard place to be in though.  If they reject us how hard do we push back?  How many people do I make angry in the process?  I already have his old principal and others at the old school mad at me and now I don't get chosen to work in their school because I pushed back.  I talked to the district for clarification and the district pushed. 
Do I make another principal mad at me and get turned away from another school?
Do I fight for my son?

If I do fight for him why am I fighting for him?  To prove I am a good parent?  To help him?  Am I fighting because no one fought for me?

This all has dredged up a ton of old feelings and emotions.  All the times that people told me that I was stupid for thinking something was wrong with my son.  All the times that I was told that I was looking for something that wasn't there. that I was pushing too hard to find someone that would confirm that something was wrong with him.  That I only wanted something to be wrong with him because there is something wrong with me.

So again.  Why am I fighting?  because he needs me to, or I need me to so I can prove myself right?

I hate IEP meetings.  They sit you at this huge table with all these highly educated people and you are a stupid college drop out.  then they hand you papers to read.  Oh ya, papers that if read at home where you weren't looked at and waited for would take you 30 minutes or more to read.  the first time.  then you likely would have to read them again a time or 2 to truly absorb what they are saying.  They want to read it all right there and ask questions.  I hate it.  I don't read that well or that fast.  They don't have 30+ minutes to sit there and wait for me to read it.  
I hate that I cant fight for my son simply because I myself am a dyslexic and the more stupid I feel crowded into the room the less my brain will let me read or let me understand.  It's truly frustrating.  Then they start throwing all these things at you.  asking for examples, specifics.  Which ya I can come up with but that's the other downside of my dyslexia.  Times and places and situations don't go hand in hand for me especially under stress.  I'm to busy trying not to sound stupid that I end up sounding stupid.  Then he doesn't get the help he needs because I cant get them to understand what he needs. 
And I fail my son. Again.
Add to the fact that I am failing my daughter too.
Just ask her teacher.  Parent teacher conferences for her were a huge blow.  I haven't yet recovered fully from it.

So all this has been going on in my mind all day and all night lately all this and more.  I have been trying to get on top but the more I try the more I fail.


  1. Just a thought...have you asked for the papers in advance? As a teacher I've given IEPs to parents at parent/teacher meetings, then suggested they make an appointment if they'd like to discuss things in more detail. That way you could take them home and read through at your leisure and have the time to formulate any questions you would like to ask. The school should also be understanding if you explain that you have dyslexia, & be willing to accommodate you so that the best can be worked out for your son.
    I hope things get better for you all.

    1. I have not asked for the papers in advance. I didn't know I could. In our last school district they were the ones that actually initiated the whole thing. Here when my daughter got her IEP started it was actually through the preschool and so the process was slightly different and a little less nerve racking. Right now they are observing and evaluating. When they are ready to sit down again I will be sure to ask for the papers in advance. His teacher understands that I am dyslexic and I don't know is that is why or if it is normal for her but when they handed me the review/ write up of all the things that showed why we want an IEP she actually verbally read or overviewed most of it to the group while I was reading it. I basically read it along with her. Which was helpful. I still have to read the huge 26 page packet of the laws and rights and responsibilities. I tried reading it. I need to pick it up again and start going through it.

    2. I'm glad the teacher was helpful in the meeting. Hopefully she'll help you more in future by providing it and any other documents in advance so you can go through them in your own time and with someone else if need be.

    3. I'm glad the teacher was helpful in the meeting. Hopefully she'll help you more in future by providing it and any other documents in advance so you can go through them in your own time and with someone else if need be.

  2. Did you know that this hymn is part of Finlandia - a patriotic symphonic poem written and performed to protest oppression?

    I find it poetic that in your battle you have found comfort in a piece written as a symbolic gesture of protest.

    1. I wondered where it came from. When I first googled it most of the sites were Finish