My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

I'll go where you want me to go....

Ever heard the Lord works in Mysterious ways? Things go full circle?

I've been looking at Facebook memories everyday.  This week one came up about our move here.  3 years ago this week we drove from Montana toWyoming.  I had been working with the Relief Society President in thethe ward that bears our city's name.  We had an offer to stay with a Family in their ward while Travis did some final things with the Department and we looked for housing.  We were to be here 3 days with 2 days travel down and 2 days back.  Then we were to go back to MT and be there 1 week, finish packing, finish with the other Jobs there and move here. The first day of our travel here our littlest started to get sick.  By evening when we stopped at our motel for the night she was SICK knowing the family we were staying with had a new baby I called the Relief Society president.  She found us another place to stay.  Which was funny because this other gal had already approached her and said you know if plan A doesnt work out let me be plan B.  She told me that and I was shocked.  What a blessing.  Thanks for plan B lady to be listening to the Spirit.
It's a good thing too.  Little one ended up being diagnosed with RSV.
Since the ward had opened it's arms to us (3 families anyway) we wanted to end up in that Ward.
We looked and looked in their ward for housing.  Couldn't find it.
We ended up in the apartment in the FH ward but we knew that was where we needed to be.

Then FH lost part of their ward when they made GW.  We ended up in GW after 4 months.  That was hard because Foothill was so open and loving.  Such a change after hard times in Montana. GW ended up being AWESOME.  2.5 years we were there.
It was funny too because not long after we moved here we started looking at houses to buy  we kept being drawn to the houses where we are now.  At first I thought no way, they are in the other ward and I'm not switching wards.

Our area that we are in now was moved into GW at the same time the apartment was.  Funny stuff.  So we got to live where the Lord directed us AND stay in our ward.

Now our homes are in the first ward.  Today was our first meeting with them.  IT was good.  We had sacrament meeting and then a cookie social.  We met lots of people.
It's funny. 3 wards, 3 years. and we are back in the ward we wanted to be in.  Yet we have loved every minute of our other wards.  We have been were the Lord wanted us each time.  You will never be wrong if you go where HE wants you to go.

The other funny thing? this week we will have someone staying with us who is going through testing with the Department.  just about 4 years ago Husband stayed with a Bishop and his family here to do the EXACT same thing.

And not to be forgotten.  Our Amazing teacher and our 504 team got Son on a 504.  Now all the things his teacher does for him will carry over to next year and the next.... And the District is redoing the way the hand out 504's so hopefully this one wont be ripped away from us like the last one was.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

For Good

A week or so ago I was substituting at a school and I got to attend the choir/ band assembly. The Choir sang this song.  It was amazing.  It was the first time I had ever heard the song.  I have been thinking a lot about it since.

I do believe Certain  people come into our lives for good.

A few months ago we helped some new neighbors move in.  They have been a whole lot of good in our lives.  They helped us out in a time of need.  Also they not on purpose introduced me to someone else who also has changed our lives for the better.  She has helped us through the process with the school district this year.  Her help has been invaluable.  We are forever grateful for Heavenly Father bringing these people into our lives.

Our Son's teacher this year is another one.  She has inspired him in so many ways.  Ways that she may never fully understand though she is starting through our IEP meetings and stuff to hear what a difference she is making.  She is making a difference in my life too in many ways.

The friends that I made through my first bout with PostPartum depression, they were brought into my life for good.

Travis' grandma.

My friend that I met through her facbook post on a garage sale site asking for the name of the local Bishop.  We wouldnt have made it through last year without her.

All the amazing people that I have met through the Addiction recovery program.

My new friends that brought their  families over to share thanksgiving with us.

My few friends in the last place we lived.  The ones that I walked with, the ones that brought travis home from his military training for Christmas, the one that was there and would pop over last minute when I have a paralyzing reaction to meds while pregnant, then jumped in and saved the day when the little one was born. and again when she cut her chin open and I had to haul her to the ER. The one that was there to talk to when I needed it.

All of these people were brought into our lives by tender mercies shown to us by our heavenly father.

I am so grateful for them and many more.  Thank you for being an amazing part of my life.

Sunday, December 6, 2015


I think I am suffering from a bad bout of seasonal depression again.  It started back in late September.  It got really bad by October.  I started on some stuff for it.  It started to get better especially after I cleared up one of the huge things that was bugging me.
Then I got sick.  I firmly believe in the power of alternatives for meds.  Vitamins, Oils, herbs, Craniosacral therapy.
I know there are a lot of people who hate me for my refusal of drugs some of them will read this and I'm sure I will catch it but I don't really care.  I react to them all and sometimes the reactions just aren't worth it.
I also believe in moderation in ALL things. So when I got sick and the sickness got bad enough I couldn't breathe I made a choice I quit the oils I was using for mood and switched to ones For lung and other immune issues.

The depression started to get out of control again.  But not as bad as it has been just bad enough.  The anxiety has been terrible too.  I am better so I'm back on my mood stuff.  It's slow and 1 step forward a couple back.  But it's improving.  Thankfully trough it all I have been able to continue with the spouse group.  Since my attendance there goes in spurts with the husbands work schedule.
It has helped so much it is the place where I feel like people get it.

Someone told me the other day that she fully believes God answers prayers through people and other means.

I know this.  I have seen it so often.
Just recently, It's the friend that takes you aside and says you need a hug and gives you a big old hug and hangs on while you cry.

The comments from people when they read a post

The person who randomly says "I Love you."

The kids who finds you STILL in bed and comes and curls up next to you for a little while.

Through it all this time though I have prayed.  Always before I have given up on Prayer.  I have given up on my Father in Heaven and my Brother Jesus Christ.

I know the atonement has and will continue to carry me through.  I am forever grateful for the Atonement and what our group/book has taught me about the Atonement.
I am grateful I am in a place where I can talk about it now because talking about it helps.

Today in Church we were talking about the manifestations of the Love of God.
They are everywhere.  Some call them blessings, some tender mercies, some random coincidences.

Whatever you call them they are there and they are your Father in Heaven, and your Brother Jesus Christ showing you through the Spirit that  you are loved.
Adding to my list above:
The stroke.  1 year and 5 months ago.  About 1 year and 6-7 months ago I told husband that we were done.  I was done.  It's taken some time but he has changed so much.  This time I think the changes are deep, real, and here to stay.
Not too long ago I took a picture of him sleeping under a pink princess blanket on the couch.  I posted it on facebook.  I didn't realize until then how much over the last year I have become thankful for him.  I told someone a month or so ago that I was starting to like him again.  and I am.
It's because of the Stroke he had.  It's because of the group he attends.  It's because of the Atonement of my Savior.
It's because of a tender mercy given to us by our Father in Heaven.

I am grateful to be where I am right now.  I don't know why I am back here.  I hate feeling how I do  I thought with all I have been through with depression, anxiety and everything I wouldn't ever have to come back here.  But here I am.  I wonder what I didn't learn before.  I hope I learn it this time whatever it is.
These are some amazing songs that have helped.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Be Still My Soul

I conduct the music for the congregation in our Sacrament meeting each Sunday. In music when you are conducting, playing or singing there is measures (the vertical lines between the notes) each measure has a certain amount of counts in it. The start of each measure is usually the down beat.  It is the strongest played, and sung.  There is supposed to be a power there.  I probably am not explaining this right and might make my music friends mad but it makes sense to me...
Anyway the down beat is the most important.
When I was conducting instead of merely singing Be Still My Soul the down beats stuck out to me. Why?  because first off the song starts off on a rest.  Them half of the measures, the down beat the most important beat start out on a rest.
Why?  I pondered this for a while.
The answer is in the song.  Be still my soul.  On the most important parts of life you need to be still. And listen to the Still small voice.  Take a moment to pause and listen.  Especially if you are praying for an answer.  Take that moment when it is most important and for a moment be still.

I'm not sure if I can copy and paste the lyrics because it says thy aren't to be copied without express permission of the owner, which I don't have.  so here is a link to the lyrics Audio : <iframe width="420" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> I'm trying to remember to do this while I ponder where we are at in life right nowIt's been a hard last few months. 
The husband's job is changing.  Trying to sort rumors from facts is hard especially when those in charge aren't giving much information.
We are fighting to get a kid on an IEP.  Still.  Same story different school.
He has struggled until the last month.  Changing schools was hard on him.  Harder in some ways than we thought it would be. 
Harder for him, and harder for us.  We would not have made it this far into the school year without the help of his amazing teacher. 
We are again at that point where we aren't sure where to go or what to do.  Of course part of our decision hangs on the fact that we are still waiting for a group of people to decide what they are going to do with our kid.  What decisions they are going to make regarding him.

We have a group of people that keep telling us that they can't turn him down.  that we have all our ducks in a row, we have diagnosis'  they cant reject him. it's against the law.

It's a hard place to be in though.  If they reject us how hard do we push back?  How many people do I make angry in the process?  I already have his old principal and others at the old school mad at me and now I don't get chosen to work in their school because I pushed back.  I talked to the district for clarification and the district pushed. 
Do I make another principal mad at me and get turned away from another school?
Do I fight for my son?

If I do fight for him why am I fighting for him?  To prove I am a good parent?  To help him?  Am I fighting because no one fought for me?

This all has dredged up a ton of old feelings and emotions.  All the times that people told me that I was stupid for thinking something was wrong with my son.  All the times that I was told that I was looking for something that wasn't there. that I was pushing too hard to find someone that would confirm that something was wrong with him.  That I only wanted something to be wrong with him because there is something wrong with me.

So again.  Why am I fighting?  because he needs me to, or I need me to so I can prove myself right?

I hate IEP meetings.  They sit you at this huge table with all these highly educated people and you are a stupid college drop out.  then they hand you papers to read.  Oh ya, papers that if read at home where you weren't looked at and waited for would take you 30 minutes or more to read.  the first time.  then you likely would have to read them again a time or 2 to truly absorb what they are saying.  They want to read it all right there and ask questions.  I hate it.  I don't read that well or that fast.  They don't have 30+ minutes to sit there and wait for me to read it.  
I hate that I cant fight for my son simply because I myself am a dyslexic and the more stupid I feel crowded into the room the less my brain will let me read or let me understand.  It's truly frustrating.  Then they start throwing all these things at you.  asking for examples, specifics.  Which ya I can come up with but that's the other downside of my dyslexia.  Times and places and situations don't go hand in hand for me especially under stress.  I'm to busy trying not to sound stupid that I end up sounding stupid.  Then he doesn't get the help he needs because I cant get them to understand what he needs. 
And I fail my son. Again.
Add to the fact that I am failing my daughter too.
Just ask her teacher.  Parent teacher conferences for her were a huge blow.  I haven't yet recovered fully from it.

So all this has been going on in my mind all day and all night lately all this and more.  I have been trying to get on top but the more I try the more I fail.

Saturday, September 12, 2015


So in June Husband was gone for 3 weeks.  While he was gone I could not contact him.  He could contact me, but not me him.  When he could contact us time was minimal and the kids got to go first.
During this time our city flooded several times in several places.  My basement leaked. I had no spouse to really talk to about all the options to fix it. I called in 5 contractors.  one never showed one said he couldn't do it, one said he wouldn't do it.  so that left me with 2.  and both had VERY different ways of fixing the issue.
I prayed.
I made a choice.
I prayed.
I second guessed that choice.
I prayed.

I never really got a firm answer.

I made my choice.

After the work was done I was happy. I knew I had made the right choice.

In the middle of all the basement fun our second car broke.  It failed to go into reverse.  I  got computer codes read.  Came home and googled the codes.  The codes were scary.  The cost of repair was going to be as much as the value of the car. we owed more than the car was worth.

We battled with this one for awhile. almost 3 months.
We prayed.
We made a decision.
we prayed.
decision stood on a very unstable foundation.
we prayed.
we second guessed.
Another decision made
More prayer.
Back and forth round and round.
More information received,
More prayer
More changing decisions.

We posted it fr sale for less than we owed.
we got call after call on it.  What's wrong EXACTLY.  how low iwll you go?  How do I get it here? (Because no one local wanted it so it had to be towed out of state)
I'll think about it and work on it and get back to you.
Never to be heard from again.

decision making.
second guessing.

Another call.  Same story.  a week goes by. nothing.  more days go by. nothing.

same dude calls again.  he wants to make a deal his message says.  I text him.  He responds.  more questions more pics wanted. I send him what he wants. He wants to paypal me money and meet me in halfway with it on the back of a tow truck.  If he likes it he will pay the rest in cash and take it home.

Instead I called my mom.  She agreed to have it towed on her 200 mile towing plan. So we arrange it. 3 hours on the phone between my mom, dude that wants my car more than me and the towing company.

I still don't feel like I have received an answer that this is the right course of action.

3 hours later we cant get a tow truck until between 7 and 8 am.  we will get a call around 7.

730 am next day rolls around.  no call.  I call towing plan company they are confused they say it got towed last night.  I say no it didn't no one could do it YOU told me that.  He looks through notes, ah yes he says.  I'll call a tow truck.  45 minutes later he calls.  Tow truck will be there around 930 Nick from M company is going to tow it.


Still no assurance that this is the right thing.

More phone calls and more text to dude that wants it more than me.

Calls from Nick M company.

Knock on door.  Dude wearing orange vest says hey I'm Nick.  We towing this white one?  Yes I say.  Ok it needs to be on street, we can push it out he says.  I said no it's on a hill I can roll it out and pull it forward.

Ok.  I see his truck says W company. whatever I think. we have weird things like that in town anyway. We discuss his route because towing plan company says the route is 244 miles they want to go off the interstate, onto a state road then onto a something else road back to the interstate.  He says no way, he will stay on the interstate and save me 70 miles.


He loads my car.

Still not sure I'm doing the right thing.

He gets ready to leave and another tow truck rounds the corner.  It says M company.  Dude says hey, I'm nick from M company you called someone else?  I suddenly realize THIS was the EXACT voice I have heard on the phone 3 times this morning.

I say um, no dude showed up said hi, I'm nick.  I thought he was you.

Nick from M company calls towing plan company.
Towing plan company confused again.
They say M company has to tow it.
Nick and Nick meet.
both nicks talk to towing plan dude.
Towing plan dude says M company gets the job.  M Nick says are you sure?  It's loaded up on the other truck already.  I'm sure says plan dude.

So first Nick unloads my car.  Second Nick loads it

Now I am REALLY not sure I am making the right decision.

Nick from M company leaves with my car on his truck.  He promises to take the interstate.

an hour later Dude that wants it more than me calls and says listen, this is insane.  It's already been on 2 tow trucks this morning, why make it 3?  I freak out thinking he is backing out.
He says just tow it to my mechanic shop.  I'll look at it, if I like it I'll pay your bank.
No I say.  I want it at my parents house until you pay.  I cant be 200 miles away only having talked and texted and have you take my car.

Ok he says I will go pay your bank.  When I am done you reroute the truck.

Ok I say.
Now I'm really sure I just got screwed and failed at decision making 101.

Bank calls me 30 minutes later.  She says hey dude just came in and gave me 3,000 and I gave him a bill of sale and a title.


I call Nick. No answer.
He calls me back.
Send me address he says.
I text him address.
then I text him and ask if he would be so kind as to remove my plates and bring them back.
Sure he says.

I'm still not sure we made the right decision.

In the mean time I am out running errands.
I come home to an empty driveway.
For the first time in months I feel relief.

Now everytime I come home to an emty driveway I feel it.
My answer.

Sweet. Blessed. Relief. Relaxation. For the first time in MONTHS.

I still owe the bank for a car that we dont own. Sweet relief.

All this to say (and I hope you got this far)  Sometimes our blessings and answers dont come without a trial.  They dont come sometimes until we have made the steps, done the work, completed the task.  Sometimes we have to prove to our Father that we are willing to do something.  We have to do what needs to be done if we had the answer in the first place.

If you arent getting an answer start working toward the goal.
Sweet. Blessed. Answers.

There are some that feel we made the wrong decision.  I dont care what you think.  I never have.  I care what my Father in Heaven thinks.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Who's on the Lord's side?

Ugh.  So I thought I had learned my lesson last time when I kept having the prompting to sign up for life flight insurance and I didn't so we  didn't have it when we needed it.

Apparently I didn't Several days ago at Parent Teacher Conferences for the Littlest (she goes to preschool still at the Child Development Center a place for kids with special needs) there was a guy there with a table.  I felt drawn to the table bit waved it off.  all 3 kids were with us, we had a conference to go to... The guy even talked to us and tried to attract us to his table.  We didn't go.

I haven't slept since.  Literally!  It has sucked!  I finally asked my Heavenly Father why I wasn't sleeping.  Today I realized that I have been waiting and watching for that guy to come back to the CDC with his table.
Also as a back track side note, The Boy has been struggling again with school.  We had again at the beginning of this year requested that he be tested again for Dyslexia.  We were again denied and not only that we lost our 504 plan for him.  I wasn't really ok with that but with the things they said and with the summer we had and all the fighting I have done for him through the years I just gave up.  I thought we would let it ride out and see where it went.

It's been going downhill.  Slowly, ever so slowly.  But it has really been in our faces the last month or so.

He tried to get into quest, a program for advanced kids.  He didn't get in.  We called the lady in charge, she said he didn't finish the tests.  So they have a round about way of getting in through an IQ test.  We know his IQ is high because years ago it was tested as part of the ADOS test for Autism.  so it was tested again.  His IQ is 133.  Well through the course of this we found out he got every single one of the Quest test questions right, of the ones he answered anyway...

He has talked to me lately about struggling in school.  It hurts because I always struggled.  But I felt like I was out of options.  The Principal, the diagnostician, the nurse all said they didn't think he needed testing for a learning disability because they didn't see it.  Even though his P's 3's and 5's are all still backwards and he puts a capital D all the time even when it needs a low d. I asked him why the other day.  He said because the big D is easy to remember which way it goes so he uses that instead.

the people in our 504 meeting stated that because they aren't always backwards then it's just a matter of lazy habit.  because he knows they are backwards and he will put them forwards sometimes.  So we just need to keep pointing it out and correcting it and he will get into the habit of doing it right.

Lately I have thought a lot about homeschooling because the system is failing my child.  I haven't though because I have felt that that isnt our answer, that we would be running away.  Don't get me wrong I am NOT saying that homeschooling is running away.  I have homeschooling friends and family and that works for them and that is fantastic.  They are doing what they need and I admire and respect them.  It's just for us that isn't the answer.  Someone needs to stay and fight the system from the outside as much as we need those fighting the system from the outside by homeschooling.

So back to where we were at the beginning.
The guy at the table.  Today I felt like the answer to my not sleeping was staring me in the face and I had to find it.  There was the guy at the table at drop off today.  I fought with the spirit still!  UGH!  I didn't want to stop, I had to go to Zumba this morning.  Stop anyway.  So I did.  I thought why am I here?  The Littlest has all she needs we are confident with where she is at.  I looked at his pamphlets.  Picked up one on learning disabilities, another on Autism, a third on sensory disorders.  Then it hit me.  This table isn't for The Littlest, it's here for The Boy.  I am to talk to this man about The Boy.  DUH!  Wow.  So I did.  Turns out this man is the parent liaison for the school district.  Mostly there to help those of us at the CDC get what we need to transition to the school district.  But he is also there for the kids who are being failed by the school district.  his boss is second in command of Special services at the District level.  I told him a little of our story.  I told him about Quest testing, the IQ testing, the repeated requests for Dyslexia testing and the repeated denial even though I have submitted a request in writing.  Yadayadayada.  Guess what we have now?  We have a meeting scheduled with the special Ed department at the District office.

Who's on the Lord's side?  I am.  We are.  We have been praying about the school situation, the discouraged child.  The Lord led me to the person/people that can help.  I had given up.  Not anymore.  This mama bear is back and she has her advocacy pants on.  Watch out!  Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. I know this is where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to pursue at this time.  I know because my Heavenly Father has led me to the man at the table. Not only that but we are now equally yoked with our Savior. As we read in Mathew 11  28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Being thankful in all things

Tonight we talked about Principle 7 (in our new book they are principles not steps)

We talked about ways to see the hand of the Lord in things.

A few days ago The Hubs asked me when we signed papers on the house.  I told him December 9th.  He asked me if that wasn't the same date that we had signed the lease on our apartment in Montana.  I told him that it indeed was.

I don't think so though.  6 years ago we took a bold move.  After feeling prompted to leave California for awhile we took a huge leap of faith and moved our little family across the country.  we went from a couple hours from the Mexican border to a couple hours from the Canadian border.  a whole different climate, a different time zone, a place neither of us had ever been in.  Neither of us had ever been in the State.  We hadn't heard of the city before either until his sister went to school there.  She was the only person that we knew, and she wasn't going to be there long at all after we finally got there.  We were going from huge Metropolis to small secluded town, a town were people drive for 3 hours just to shop at Walmart because that is the closest one they have.  We went from a million people around us to 30,000 in our city and some of the outlying area.
We were told to not do it.  We were crazy to do it.  But yet we felt like that was where we needed to go what we needed to do.
We had a son who had many struggles.  We were told we were crazy to leave a place so rich with Doctors, specialists, hospitals.
We knew we were crazy to do it too.

Yet we did.
Because we felt like that is what God told us to do.

IT was hard.
It was COLD. literally 100 degree temperature change.
It was a blessing.
All those specialists we saw in California?  All those doctors that we went through trying to find answers?  They gave us none.  In our little tiny town where we signed our life away to thousands in student loans, HUD housing, Medicaid, food stamps. We gave our life to God and let Him do what He would with it.  Our little tiny town gave us answers.  Our son and daughter and myself improved greatly from the answers that the medical doctor we had gave us.  She lead us to so many great people that helped our son become who he is today.  People who gave us answers, who pulled him out of the world of Autism that was sucking him deeper and deeper in.

Did I mention that it was hard though?  IT was hard being so far away from anything that we knew.  It was hard going into such a small place.  It was hard to be so cold. It was hard to live in HUD housing.  To live off of student loans, and food stamps and be on medicaid. To be judged so harshly by so many people for "choosing" that route.  To be looked down upon for not "just getting a real job" even though we had put in thousands of job applications.

Then 4.5 years later we left there and FINALLY moved here.  We waited and worked for a job for 3 years after getting through with school.  We questioned, we pleaded, we yelled at our Heavenly Father.  WE begged, we bargained, we sat back and waited while doing all we could.

9 months here in an awful apartment with a terrible landlord we bought our first house signed on the same day that we signed our lives away 5 years before.
We appreciated our house from the day we got it.
But putting together the dates made me appreciate it more and realize that much more how much of a blessing it is for us.  Truly a gift from our Heavenly Father.  And to be able to have kept it through our hardships of this summer is truly a blessing.  Not only to have kept it but to now have made a huge improvement to it and to have paid off so much of the debt we accumulated this summer.

a coincidence?
NO!  and Blessing.  The hand of God in our lives.

Where has God been in your lives recently?  He has been there.  I promise.