My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Treasure boxes

I am a believer in Energy.  We are made of energy.  Some call it Karma.  I believe the two are "friends" with each other, but they aren't the same.  Sort of like our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.  All are 3 separate things, 2 of them having their own separate bodies and the third being a Spirit. in the end they all have the same goal, same heart and are very like minded, but all 3 are individual also.  As is Karma and energy.

So I see a craniosacral therapist who not only has studied it deeply, and has taken many many courses on it, she also is a licensed counselor with a degree in psychology.  She is also an RN.  She is not LDS, but that does not mean she is not a spiritual person.  She is very spiritual and very Christian.  I love her so much.  She has helped us and me so much to learn and grow and to heal.

Anyway, we had an awesomely powerful session today.  Awesome.  Backtracking a little bit, about a year ago we had another extremely powerful session.  We worked a lot on my core and my heart, there was some blackness in there, we pulled it out, looked at it and defined it.  We defined it as Fear, anger, hate.  There were several people who shall remain nameless involved in some of or all of these things.  It took us really about an hour to talk through and look at it all.  Then she asked me where I wanted to put it because it needed to go somewhere.  So I decided on a box. a walnut box taken from the heart of a walnut tree.  Then I decided to put said box in a big hole under the walnut tree.  Then I took the hole, the box and the tree and tossed them into the depths of the ocean.
I could tell she didnt really think that is where it should all go, but she wasn't the one doing the healing, I was so she let me put it there.

I know now what she knew then, that I was ready to heal, yes, but only in part.  Something inside of me wanted to hold onto that a little longer.

So here we are about a year year and a half later and I went back today for some random intense pain I have been having in my ligaments   Random ligaments   I rolled something in my leg the other day.  I snapped my jaw real bad one day, my thumb randomly started hurting really badly, not a bone issue, but a tendon or ligament.

  In the scriptures we learn time and time again about a phrase.  "Turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children." and like I read in Mosiah tonight the sins of the fathers shall fall upon the children.
What does this mean?  Well to me it means if we are carrying something in this life energetically and we don't heal it and move on 100 % from it it will be passed on.  If we are say an addict and we don't heal that we will pass it on to the next generation who will carry it and if they don't heal it it gets passed on again...

So anyway, backtracking again... A few years ago a counselor that we went to church with (the first counselor to counsel us as a couple and deal with the pornography addiction) talked to me about this hearts of the children/fathers thing.  My mom had told me after I had healed from my postpartum depression that possibly my grandmother had suffered from it a time or two, she had many reasons to think it.  She was never given the chance to heal from it (not that she suffered from it the rest of her life, just didnt get a full healing) so it got passed down.  It was on me to heal it or pass it.  The counselor then started with me on healing it.  So did a kinnesiologist that I was seeing.
Then my current Craniosacral therapist has helped me with this too.

So back to today (wow this is turning out to be a long post, oh well it's my journal). Today we took all that fear, anger, postpartum depression, the need to self forgive, and the need to forgive others, and we asked 5 specific people involved ( energetically) to take all they had of whatever part of this they were involved in and put it with me into a box.  This time when she asked me what box to put it in I came up with a treasure chest.  at first I thought, really?  that is stupid (especially since you have now seen what the chest looked like) but she had told me not to filter of fight anything, to just go with it. so I did.  We put it all in there, the whole time thinking, that poor box, it was so pretty, fun and fancy free now it is holding this horrible burden that has spanned over many generations of my family, more than just the 2 I have already mentioned, clear back maybe 10 generations. of course it extended to some around me that arent even really my family.

A lot of the stuff that came up today was particulars that were brought out in my kinnesiology sessions, and counseling sessions dealing with the PPD.  Stuff that her and I have never talked about, yet she picked them out and described them with me.  There was things particular phrases that I have written down in my inventory that I did for step 4.  Things that she wouldn't have known about because I have not told her.
So anyway we put all my stuff in this box.  We invited the other people involved to put theirs in this box too so that we could all heal together.  As we put it in we asked for the healing light of Christ to fill the space.
It was all just so amazing.

Then she asked God to come take the box, and we closed the session.

I asked her, you know why I chose a treasure box?  She said, yes, but you tell me. hahaha.  So I did.  I told her I chose a beautiful treasure box because what was inside while dark and ugly could some day (soon) be opened and hold a beautiful treasure because all that bad could, in the hands of God become good to us, through healing.

Hopefully the things we discussed in depth that I only brifley glazed over here will be things that are healed and not passed on for anymore generations.  I know that if I want them to, through God, and my Savvior Jesus Christ these things are possible!

What are you going to give up to God to have him make into a treasure for you?

Friday, November 9, 2012


So on Facebook I am doing what it seems like most people are doing and putting up a grateful post everyday.  It has been a rough last month so I was hoping that it would help.  It has, a lot.  So I thought I would do more here.

I am grateful for my children.  Each and every one of the three of them has a complete different personality and attitude about them.  They are each individuals and have each taught me so much.

For my mom.  We have had our struggles and differences, but no matter what she is always there.  I am grateful for all the ways that I swore I would never be like her, and yet here I am in so many ways doing some of the same things.  I do them because now I can see why she did them.  Even though we HATED it.  They were good or I wouldn't be doing them.

My dad.  My dad has had so many issues in his health.  Through most of them especially through the last few years he has laughed about them.  Not because they are funny, and not because he is laughing to bury the seriousness of them.  But because Anger doesn't change it for the better, it just makes it worse because it gets you down and keeps you down.  Laughing about it helps to keep you up and be more positive.  Keeps you going in a good direction, helps you to see and feel the spirit.  Something I need to be more like.

MY siblings.  They are each wonderful in their own way.  We may get mad at each other, but again if one of us needs something someone is always there.  I love that my brother is a nurse and I can call him when I need.  I didn't realize how much I called him until he left to Afghanistan with the Air Force and I couldn't just pick up the phone and ask him a question about my kids.

I am grateful for my husband and the changes he has made, and that we are making together.

For the addiction recovery program.  I love this program and think everyone should go through it!

For the ladies that come to our group.  They are awesome.  I am so glad I am not alone in our group anymore.  I was alone for so long.  It is wonderful to see their faces each week.

For the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For His Atonement.

For Forgiveness.

For Love.


My Father in Heaven and His patience with me.

For the Spirit.

For Guidance and direction of my Heavenly Father through the Spirit.

For my right to vote.

For the women who fought for my right to vote.

For my wonderful friend Kym.  We have been email friends for going on 7 years now.  We started because we met on an online forum for those suffering with  Postpartum Depression and have been friends since.  We are in separate parts of the country, but we still email almost daily for a long time each day.  There have been many times where I don't know what I would have done without her.

I am grateful for my PPD that I suffered 3 times in varying degrees.  I learned so much through my experiences.  I met some lifelong friends also.

I am grateful my husband has a job.  He doesnt make enough to support us, but at least he has a job that he works at.  And soon he will have a different, better job that will provide for us.

I am grateful for the friends and family that I have.  Most of them are wonderful :) The ones that arent so much are still in their own way and through them we still learn.

As much as my landlady annoys me and the rules of this place drive me batty, I still am grateful for her, and for the apartment we have to live in that the rent on it fluctuates as our income does.

For the Prophet Joseph Smith and his determination, and his Spirit.

For President Hinckley (who is now passed on) He was the first Prophet I truly knew and he was a wonderful and inspiring man.

For President Monson whom I have also grown to love.

For our current Quorum of the 12 Apostles.  I Love listening to them in Conference   I love some more than others but they all carry true messages to us from our Heavenly Father.

For the Bible and it's companion Scripture, The Book of Mormon.

For the Ensign Magazines, for The Friend and the New Era.  For the Doctrine and Covenants.

For DoTerra Essential oils.  I didnt get into the program to make lots of money selling them to people.  I got into it to heal my family and to learn and grow.  Anything else that comes from it is a side benefit.  The last year using them have provided my family with lots of healing without all the negative reactions of western medicine.

I am grateful too though for Western Medicine, with it's drawbacks it still does have benefits.

I am grateful for my current doctor, Dr. Wolfe.  She is fantastic.  I love that she doesnt be little me because I dont always take her persctiptions and tell her it is because I am going to use oils, or homeopathics.  Or be little me when I pass over a vaccine (though we still have done most of them)  She has helped us in so many ways, listened to me and told me I was not crazy.  Helped us fight for the diagnosis of Aspergers, and helped us fight for help for my son.

I am grateful for our diagnosing doctor, Dr. Cook who also took us seriously.

For the therapists we have had.

For Early intervention who started with us when he was 20 months old.

For my sons school (mainstream elementary)  For the help they have given him to meet his goals.  Everyone over there it seems has been involved. including the wonderful office manager.

For his wonderful therapists over at his school.

For the lady that runs the family recourse center at his school.

For those who finally listened to me and gave me the information I needed to get my son Gluten Free lunches at school.

For those who have helped us adjust to a GF diet.

For the Military service members past and present.  I have many family members and friends currently serving or who have served. Including my husband.

I am grateful for those in our community who see him in uniform and thank him, we are in a community who detests the military, so it is nice to hear people thank him.

I could go on a little more but I will stop boring you and stop driving my daughter nuts because it is past 9 am when they are allowed to get on the computer and here I still sit :)