My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

About trusting in God and sewing pants.

This is a pair of pants that I made my 4 year old.  What does trusting in God (step 3) have in common with sewing a pair of pants?  Well read and you will find out :)

Sometimes I like to pretend that I can sew and that I am getting good at it.  Well with fall and winter coming I dug out the clothes and found that the girls really have no pants. So I thought about making them some since like I said, sometimes I like to pretend I can sew.  But then I realized that really, there was no way to do this. Fabric, patterns, thread, elastic... All that is expensive and since they have NO pants, well that is a lot of pairs of pants to make and a lot of stuff to buy.  So I was thinking about how to just buy some pants.  Well Then that wont really work for the 2 year old because she is just barely 2, she fits in an 18 month length in pants, but she is potty trained, so without the diaper, they come nowhere close to fitting. So we go back to making them.  Well a friend of our Cranio-sacral therapist makes dog beds for the animal shelter.  She was given a whole bunch of corduroy.   She deemed the corduroy too beautiful to be used for doge and either burned or tossed.  So she asked her friend, our CST if she knew of anyone who could use the fabric.  Our CST said to me that we jumped right into her head!  So We were given the fabric.  There really is tons of it and it is beautiful fabric.
So patterns went on sale, I picked up a couple and I finally started to work.
I seriously have had problem after problem with these pants.  I have wanted to give up more than once.  I have had to unpick, restructure, re cut these pants.  That was all just the beginning.
Now let me back track just a bit.  I drove a friend home from our last meeting, and we sat talking a bit about step 3, which we had discussed in the meeting that night.  We talked about how we used to think that we trusted in God, but after learning more about the step, reading it, and trying to apply it in our lives we realized that maybe we don't.  This part really jumped out at me... "Continued submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives.  Small things like traffic jams are no longer cause for upset..." (LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program : A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. Step 3 page14)

I realized that while I may think I trust God, I really don't.  In the big things, for the most part, yes I do.  But the little things get to me.  They get to me a lot.  A lot more that I ever cared to admit before.  When we read that the other night it stuck with me.  I talked to my friend about it.  We had a great discussion about it.  It has stuck with me all week.  I have wondered how to change it.

Well tonight these pants taught me a lesson, about the little things, but in a big way.
You see, my kids having no pants because we can not afford to buy them is a big thing, right?  Yes, it is.  Well a way was provided that I could provide my kids with pants for cheap.  With this pair of pants a whole bunch of little things have stood in the way.
first, they were sewn together weird, I tried twice to fix them and was crying and just gave up, I was just making it worse.  After a couple hours I took some pictures and posted them in a sewing forum.  I got some tips.  Have you ever unpicked the work of a serger.  Um, YEAH.  I sat and did that.  I fixed the pants.  Then they sat, and sat.  Finally I decided to tackle the ruffles.  So today I started at 3.  I put new thread in my serger.  I didn't thread it right.  3 tries later I pulled out the book.  Still couldn't get it right, kept breaking this thread or that thread while in the middle of it. I must have re-threaded that thing 15 times.  I was irritated, frustrated and just done.  I wanted to chuck them and the serger out of the window.

Finally figure out my thread problem, get going again and a needle snapped off.  Now I am irate and about to call it quits and tell husband we are putting pants for the girls on the credit card because this is too much stress.  Then step 3 pops into my head, my discussion with my friend about the little things.  And Trusting in God for those too.  So I sat back, and said a prayer.  I told my Heavenly Father that I couldnt do this, I needed help, and these pants and the warmth of my kids depended on Him and I would trust in Him to guide me through this.

Guess what?  Well obviously from the picture above, you know that the pants worked.  Did they go right together after that?  No they didn't.  I broke another needle, had a few other snafu's with it.  But really for the most part they did.  And my attitude changed too.  And I said another quick prayer or two as I was struggling feeding them through my machine.

They are done though, they look ok too. And I learned a lesson.  You cant really fully trust in God for the big things unless you know He has your back on the small things too.   I think now every time she wears those pants I am going to remember that Trusting in God in the small things helps us to trust in Him in the big things. Small things do matter.  Small things in every way, good or bad lead to big things.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The light of Christ.

This picture was taken by my husband when we went on a family bike ride.  There is this trail called the route of the Hiawatha.  It is on the ID/ MT border at lookout Pass Ski Resort.   See how dark that tunnel looks?  You know how long that tunnel is? 1.7 miles.  That is a LONG tunnel.  And it has a curve in it so you can not always see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Did I mention it was DARK in there?  Really, really dark!  Do you see in the foreground the little strips of grass? Next to those strips are little canals or gutters.  They are 18 inches deep and they go clear through the tunnel.  Did I mention it is dark in there?  And cold, and wet, and you can hear water running.  You have to have a good light in there.  And even then, your light doesnt light up much except right there in your space.  Well I had our son on his little trail-a-bike that attaches to my bike.  My husband had our daughters in a trailer attached to his bike.  I had gone ahead of my husband because he stopped to put their rain guard on because on the way through the first time they got dripped on from the ceiling and splattered at from his tire.  Well I didnt realixe how much the first time though his light behind me had helped not only me but my son.  With my light clear up on my handle bars he had no light.  I doubt he could even see me.
My son got scared and was crying, he didnt know where he was he was lost.  I tell you I think he learned a lot about faith that day.  I know I did.  I also learned about the light of Christ and how it dispells the darkness.
While going through there the darkness was just so confining.  It was scary even for me.  Yet it hit me that I had a little bit of light and our lives are dark too at times.  There is so much out there pressing in on us.  We all have trials that weigh us down and press in on us.  As long as we have light though even if it isnt very bright we have hope.  We might only be able to see a tiny bit in front and to the sides of us, but it is more than we would have without any light.  That light is the light of Christ.  All of us who believe in Him are entitled to have that light in our lives.  I thought about this while at the same time as trying to comfort my son and pedaling as fast as I dared, which was actually fairly fast.  Then I thought, ok I have a light, and I am comparing it to Christ.  I cant share my physical light with him, but I can share the light of Christ with him.  So I did.  I asked him if he wanted me to sing.  He said yes.  The first song he chose was "Nephi's Courage".  How fitting was that?  (

So I sang it.  He asked for another. I sang this one "My Heavenly Father Loves Me".(

Then the last one. "A Child's Prayer" (

You know what I learned (again) is that if your cup is full you can share it with others, and you can help others.  Did he get any physical light?  No he didnt, but he got spiritual light and calming.  I was glad I was able to help him.

My husband also taught me about light.  His light failed him.  He thought he was prepared, but his battery died.  How often do we all think we have done enough to be prepared then we are hit with a trial and find out we aren't?  My husband found out the hard way.  (luckily this time it was just physical light he was lacking not spiritual!)  You remember those ditches I told you about?  Well as his light failed he ran the poor girls off into that ditch.  Luckily they were belted in and had helmets, and luckily there was a wall there to keep them from tipping over and really going into the ditch!  Also my husbands bike did not make it into the ditch, just part of the trailer did.  They were in there probably all of 5 seconds, he knew when he swerved that it was coming and as soon as they tipped he was off his bike dragging it out of the ditch.  There was a lovely couple not too far behind him that heard the crash and stopped to help.  They used their lights to escort him out of the tunnel. one just ahead of him and the other just behind him.  They used their full lights to share and to light his way.  If we are prepared and if we are full we can share without taking away from ourselves.  But only if we are full and prepared.
I really learned a lot from that, and I am striving to stay full.  It's hard with 3 kids, but it can be done.  We have so mant resources available to us.  If we can find a few minutes to wind down in front of the computer or the TV why cant we find a few minutes to sit and open the scriptures, or an ensign?  It will help keep your cup  and your light full so you can share it with others when they are in need.  And sharing with others adds more than it takes away.


Our little group is growing.  It makes me sad but happy at the same time.  Happy that those that are suffering with this addiction are coming forward and dealing with it and learning to heal and grow.  Also that they are contributing to our group and helping us help each other.  Sad that they  are afflicted with this trial.  I think the happy outweighs the sad though because all of us have trials one way or another, and this particular trial doesnt just go away.  You need help, and these ladies are reaching out for it, and that makes me happy!

Friday, August 3, 2012

How do you do it?

Someone said to me the other day, I dont know how you do it.  I have heard this a lot.  It has taken 7 years to get to where I am now.  That is a long time.  Just because where I am now is strong and good it does not mean it was a pretty trip getting here.  Some parts were, but more parts were ugly.  Very difficult and ugly.  Still I have bad days, days where I say or do something I regret, but who doesnt?  Those days are getting fewer and a lot farther between.  Habits (i.e reactions to situations) are hard to break.  It can be done though.  Through the Atonement of our Savior everyone can change.  Sometimes it is harder than others.  It can be done though with work.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


So on Sunday I spoke at a combined men/ women meeting (5th sunday priesthood/ Relief Society).  The Missionaries that are in charge of the womens night are in that ward and they invited me to speak about the program.  I did.  I was SO NERVOUS.  I dont know why.  I have never been so nervous in my life.  Even my cheeks were shaking!  It was good though.  People were SO SO attentive.  I could see just about everyones eyes right on me the entire time.  There was not any whispering, shuffling, nothing of the sort that I detected at all.  Maybe that is partly why I was so nervous.  It was good though.  I enjoyed the opportunity and I hope I helped someone there.  I may be doing it again in other units.We will see.

This can be over come.  You can feel loved and appreciated again.  If not by your spouse, by yourself and your Father in Heaven.  He never stopped. :)