My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Monday, October 22, 2012

One Year

One year ago today one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died.  She died at one of the most horrible times too.  My husband was gone off to Basic Training and was not able to attend the funeral. Luckily for me my mom was up here visiting when I got the news and she helped me hold it together long enough to contact the Red Cross to get a message to my husband, and to figure out how to get to the funeral, and find a sitter for my older 2 kids. I honestly dont know how I would have gotten through those first couple of days without my mom here.

We moved in with Grandma when my son was just under a year old.  We were going through so much at that time.  I was suicidal, my husband was deep into his addiction, so much so he could barley function.  I had so much anxiety most days I could hardly do anything at all.  It was a horrible time.  We would not have made it through it without Grandma.  She saved my life, she really did.  She was the first person I could talk to that didn't judge me or hate me.  She never talked down to me.  She just loved me.  I wasn't even her grandchild but she loved me unconditionally none the less.

She held us up when we needed it most.  And she taught me how to love.  Through everything that people threw at me she was always there as I sat and cried and cried.  When we moved out several months later, she was still always around.  We fed her dinner a couple of times a month.  We would send her home with left overs, and she would "be in the neighborhood" a couple of days later to drop off the dishes.  She was always at my door when I needed someone the most.  I never had to call or ask, she just knew and would be there with my dishes, or with a treat she had gotten at the store for the kids.  and always a hug  and love for me.

She supported us through the cps fiasco.  She taught us how to forgive the accusers and let it go, and to move on from it.  She couldn't believe what they had done and was hurt by it too, but she taught us by her example how we could move on from it.

Even after we moved up here she always seemed to know when we were in need.  I would get a card or a letter from her in the mail, or an email, or a phone call.  Always on a day when I needed it most.  The only way she could have ever knows was because she cared that much and was so close to the Spirit.

I love Grandma so much.  She was beautiful inside and out.  She cared for and loved everyone around her.  She was always involved as much as she could be, but also knew when she just needed to step back and not interfere.  She was so easy to live with and so easy to love.

While we were living with her she was the ward organist and the Relief Society pianist.  I was the Relief Society Chorister.  I could lead music, yes.  But a choir, no.  Last minute I got sprung on that I was in charge of a Relief Society Choir for Sacrament meeting.  We had 2 Sundays to practice and they didn't want a song from the Hymnal, it was to be a choral arrangement.  With swells and pauses, crescendos and everything.  I was already riddled with anxiety about everything, and this just about put me over the edge.
Grandma though, she saved the day.  She took me to the church every day and we practiced.  She played the piano and would call out to me instructions  "start the sopranos" Use your other hand to bring int he Alto's. "Now with both hands, cut them off" Or, "Hold the sopranos and cut off the Altos" "make sure to look at the alto's here and not the Sopranos"
She was amazing.  She was eternally patient.  I only saw her mad a few times and it never lasted long, just until she had a chance to go and pray.

I have felt her near many times this year, and I am grateful for that because I was so not ready for her to go.  I can't believe we have made it a year without the emails, cards and phone calls.  We have though.  And she is greatly missed and always will be.

I am grateful for her presence and her teaching in my life.  I am grateful for her watchful guidance  her love and kindness.  There are many many lessons that I have learned from Grandma, but I wont bore you all with them.  I hope that one day I can be as compassionate as she was.  I hope that one day I can love those that hurt us (because there will always be hurtful people) as much as she loved those who hurt her.  I hope that I can do as much service to those around me as she did.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Better than a million dollars

If someone were to come to you and say, Hey, I have a million dollars and obtaining it is as easy as doing 12 things would you tell them that no, you don't really need it that badly?
Would you shake it off and say, Nah, I'm not like other millionaires.
No, that's ok.  I can earn it myself.

Sounds absurd doesn't it?

So why then if you know you have an addiction, and you know there are recovery programs do you sit back and say things like, No, It's not for me.  Or I can overcome it myself if I work a little harder, or it's not really an addiction.

You know what is better than a million dollars?

Peace, happiness that is lasting.  Like eternally.  Not just for a few minutes, or a day, or a few months.  But eternal happiness.  Freedom from the bounds of your addiction. No matter what that addiction is to.  Drugs, Alcohol, stress (What?  You can be addicted to stress?) Yes, yes you can be addicted to stress, drama, anger, screaming.. HOW?  It's easy.  These things set off hormones in your body, adrenaline, cortisol, among others.  They give you a rush.  You can become addicted to that rush.
Caffeine, chocolate, sugar, food in general,Tv, internet, politics, video games.  Anything can become an addiction.  An addiction is a coping mechanism.  It is an unhealthy way to cope with something, whether it be stress, or boredom.  What ever it is that you cant find a healthy way to cope with.

The Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints if for anyone.  No matter what you are addicted to.  It is also for friends and loved ones of addicts so that they can let go of patterns of codependency, or know how to support their addicted loved one.

The overarching principle of the recovery program is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

He died for you.  Do you believe that?  Do you believe that He atoned for your sins?  Not just for everyone else's but for yours too!  Even if you are not a member of the LDS church.  Even if you are not a Christian.  Even if you are an Atheist or an agnostic.  And yes, you do have agency in this still even though it has already been done.  You do not have to accept Christ.  You do not have to accept his Atoning for you.  That is your choice.  The point is though that if you want it, it is there.

This life is not meant for us to go through alone.  If it was then what would the purpose be of the Atonement? What would be the purpose of attending church? What would be the purpose of prayer?

Our Father does not want us to be alone through anything in this life, happy or sad.  It is not the way he set things up.  That is why he sent his son, to suffer  bleed and die for you.  That is why he and his son came to Joseph Smith.  To set up a church in these Latter-days.  That is why the church has inspired programs like the ARP meetings.  That is why people outside of the Church have AA meetings, over eaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous.  Because they see the need for support in going through something.

So why deny yourself what your Father and His son want to give you?  Why?
Why deny yourself happiness, deep down and surface happiness.  True and everlasting happiness?
The Atonement is the greatest evidence we have of God's love for us.  The atonement is there for YOU.  The ARP meetings are there for YOU.

you wouldn't pass up a chance for a million dollars if it came knocking on your door.  So dont pass up your chance to recover just because "It's isn't that bad" of "I can do it myself I just need to work harder" or "I'm not like them"
Free yourself.  It is liberating.  I can attest to that!
The Lord loves you.  So does your Father in Heaven.  You should love you enough to do this for yourself and quit hiding behind false beliefs.

I Stand All Amazed.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would decend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!