My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Being thankful in all things

Tonight we talked about Principle 7 (in our new book they are principles not steps)

We talked about ways to see the hand of the Lord in things.

A few days ago The Hubs asked me when we signed papers on the house.  I told him December 9th.  He asked me if that wasn't the same date that we had signed the lease on our apartment in Montana.  I told him that it indeed was.

I don't think so though.  6 years ago we took a bold move.  After feeling prompted to leave California for awhile we took a huge leap of faith and moved our little family across the country.  we went from a couple hours from the Mexican border to a couple hours from the Canadian border.  a whole different climate, a different time zone, a place neither of us had ever been in.  Neither of us had ever been in the State.  We hadn't heard of the city before either until his sister went to school there.  She was the only person that we knew, and she wasn't going to be there long at all after we finally got there.  We were going from huge Metropolis to small secluded town, a town were people drive for 3 hours just to shop at Walmart because that is the closest one they have.  We went from a million people around us to 30,000 in our city and some of the outlying area.
We were told to not do it.  We were crazy to do it.  But yet we felt like that was where we needed to go what we needed to do.
We had a son who had many struggles.  We were told we were crazy to leave a place so rich with Doctors, specialists, hospitals.
We knew we were crazy to do it too.

Yet we did.
Because we felt like that is what God told us to do.

IT was hard.
It was COLD. literally 100 degree temperature change.
It was a blessing.
All those specialists we saw in California?  All those doctors that we went through trying to find answers?  They gave us none.  In our little tiny town where we signed our life away to thousands in student loans, HUD housing, Medicaid, food stamps. We gave our life to God and let Him do what He would with it.  Our little tiny town gave us answers.  Our son and daughter and myself improved greatly from the answers that the medical doctor we had gave us.  She lead us to so many great people that helped our son become who he is today.  People who gave us answers, who pulled him out of the world of Autism that was sucking him deeper and deeper in.

Did I mention that it was hard though?  IT was hard being so far away from anything that we knew.  It was hard going into such a small place.  It was hard to be so cold. It was hard to live in HUD housing.  To live off of student loans, and food stamps and be on medicaid. To be judged so harshly by so many people for "choosing" that route.  To be looked down upon for not "just getting a real job" even though we had put in thousands of job applications.

Then 4.5 years later we left there and FINALLY moved here.  We waited and worked for a job for 3 years after getting through with school.  We questioned, we pleaded, we yelled at our Heavenly Father.  WE begged, we bargained, we sat back and waited while doing all we could.

9 months here in an awful apartment with a terrible landlord we bought our first house signed on the same day that we signed our lives away 5 years before.
We appreciated our house from the day we got it.
But putting together the dates made me appreciate it more and realize that much more how much of a blessing it is for us.  Truly a gift from our Heavenly Father.  And to be able to have kept it through our hardships of this summer is truly a blessing.  Not only to have kept it but to now have made a huge improvement to it and to have paid off so much of the debt we accumulated this summer.

a coincidence?
NO!  and Blessing.  The hand of God in our lives.

Where has God been in your lives recently?  He has been there.  I promise.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Deseret book posted this on their face book page today.  Or another day maybe, but someone liked it and it showed up in my face book feed today.

So before I posted that I am not sure what to do at this point in my life/ situation.  A couple of weeks in out new book (that the last post also talked about) there was a section on support.  It talked about using your ecclesiastical support, and asked questions about what support you needed more of and what not.
So I went to see my Bishop. It was amazing. Then I came home and saw this.  I feel like I have been heard and validated now.  I have no more answers.  But I do know my Bishop is aware of my feelings, and thoughts.  As is My Heavenly Father.  I may not have the answers right now, but that's ok.  If He can part the red sea he can help me.
I didnt expect much from my Bishop because really I had no questions.  He didn't give me answers.  I didn't expect any answers because really, there are none.  but there is a path through this, I just have to ask to be led to it.
What I did get from my conversation with my Bishop was comfort.  Was knowing that I had communicated with my ecclesiastical leader my thoughts and feelings and now he knows where I stand and what I feel.  He didn't know before.  For all I know I am the first wife of an addict he has talked to, and now maybe he has something more to go on if he gets the opportunity to talk to another.  and maybe something that was said in our meeting will be helpful to them.  Maybe it will be helpful to him.  I know the things that were said were helpful to me.
I am so thankful for the inspiration we received to move here, and to stay in the Ward we were in when we decided to buy a house.  I fell comforted in knowing that whatever decision is made and whenever it is made my Leader has some background and knows I went into this decision with faith and prayer.  I know he will be behind me no matter what. and now that I have spilled my guts I can talk to him again and it will be easier, and maybe there will be answers, maybe there won't be.  Who knows.
I'm comfortable with that.  It's a good thing.  For now.

Friday, September 26, 2014

New book.

I feel bad because it's been 8 weeks since a new manual was released (I think 9 or 10 actually).  So much has happened this summer and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it and struggling with what to do from here on out with all that happened and all that I learned.  Some of it was good, some bad, some major.

The husband had a stroke (way too young to have one, he was 32) He survived through the Grace of our Heavenly Father.  That was the major.
I'm not going to talk about the bad, but it happened and is continuing and I don't know what to do about it, except pray for light and knowledge on what to do.

The good?  We had a friend drive my kids, my dad and myself down to the Hospital my husband was life flighted to.  I don't think I was in a place to be able to do so.  It was really a wonderful thing that he was able to do so for us.

When I called to try and find a babysitter while I ran hubs to the hospital I couldn't find one.  So I posted on the Relief society page and left.  not too long later I got a text from someone in the ward saying they were going taking my kids to the park. (I had left them with my dad, but he wasn't able to care for them long term another story for another day.)

I got in touch with my Relief Society President when we found out he would be life flighted 200+ miles away.
She went to my house and helped my dad pack and get in touch with my mom. then she packed stuff for my kids, and I packed for me.  She helped me gather food for us and get us all in the car.

She took note of my horribly messy house.  The overflowing laundry baskets, the breakfast and lunch dishes on the counters, table, sink.  The mud tracked clear through the house.  the bathroom sink caked in mud because everyone had washed their hands in it. The fabric from sewing 3 Elsa dresses scattered about my room and all the pattern pieces strewn about.

She organized a team to clean my house.  It was amazing.

Feeling prompted to go to kmart instead of walmart when one of the girls was desperate for a new swim suit and finding a dozen boxes of cereal  that my kids could eat (we have several food allergies here) marked down to 30 cents a box.  not finding a swim suit on clearance so having to go to another store anyway, but I didn't care at that point!

The swim teacher at the Rec center who let my kids into swimming lessons anyway because she understood why I couldn't call on the one day that they have sign-ups.

The never ending prayers from friends.  Christians, Athiests, non christians.  We had lots of faiths praying for us.  It was amazing.

The Bishop who was there for us when we needed him.

The Aunt and Uncle who dropped what they were doing, picked up a cousin and drove to the Hospital to meet the hubs there and wait with him and give me updates while we traveled down there.

Feeling the Love of my Father in Heaven and knowing that no matter what happened I would be ok. My children would be ok.  Maybe not right away but we would be.

The sod that got laid by people from Church, from the neighborhood.  Who came together in a time of need.

The people who helped us push a car into the driveway because it was dead on the street and had to be moved.

The neighbors who have lent us their lawnmower several times this summer.

The new manual.  The new direction it takes.  The new program and the direction it takes.  The new people coming to our meetings. The old people coming back to our meetings.

So many many blessings we have had this summer.

Thank you.

And now for a link to the new program. Some groups have copies of the book.  Ours does, someone copied and pasted and re formatted to make it look nice while we wait for it to come off the printer and be shipped out.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I know that was you God!

I love this pic and I have felt like this a few times recently.  It's nice to have this feeling.  We went on a family vacation a couple weeks ago.  It was so nice.  No melt downs, no fits.  The little one did get scared of bugs in the bathroom and had to sleep in our room the whole trip and several days after but that was the only snaffu.

We started working in the yard.  It's overwhelming.  So much needs to be done.  We have a little grass.  Little patches here and there, clumpy, terrible.  It's never going to fill in so it all needs to come out.  we had about 4 dozen huge paving stepping stones that needed to come out.  a whole bunch of rock on the side of the house.  All are ant havens.  And spiders.  All needed to come out so our child could enjoy being outdoors.  Since she has panic attacks over bugs. We have already found ants.
Even though the yard work is overwhelming we feel blessed to be able to have a yard to work in. And the time and ability to do it.

The AC is broken and in the process of trying to see if the AC was a fuse we found the heater not turning on either.  ARGH.

So I was outside trying to figure out what to do with the yard and where to start ( after 3 hours of both of us already working out there)  I sighed and looked up and sorta said a prayer, just sorta thinking out loud.  I just said, how do we get this done?

I had this instant thought, there are people out there willing to do the work for free, these are expensive rocks.  So I took some pics, posted on the garage sale facebook page and bam, I had a dozen people wanting to dig them out and haul them away. My first thought was, right... I will go through them all it will take 3 weeks and maybe some will go.

Nope! One said she could come last night to look.  an hour after she got here she had most of them stacked and ready to haul.  a few minutes later the majority of them were gone.  So I contacted person 2.  there is some left you can come when you want in the next couple of days and take a look.  5 minutes later she was out front.  She was stunned at the rock we were giving away.  She was so willing to haul it away and dig it all out at no cost to either of us.  She was so excited and felt very blessed at my generosity.  While I felt very blessed at HER generosity.  Within an hour (I was shocked at her speed!) she had her brother in law here and they had hauled it all away.   Another person had come in the interim and took a few rocks.  Seriously In the matter of a few hours with ease and little work on my part so much got done.  Ants are packing up and moving out.  So many people were blessed.  The one person that had been so amazed had been needing a rock wall but could not afford the rock and had been driving out to the desert to dig out rock there.  We saved her SO much money.  She saved us SO much back breaking work!  How blessed we all were because of a simple prayer, that was only a half a prayer half just speaking aloud.

The AC is now fixed.  We asked around a little bit and the ARP lady that was filling in in the last meeting said oh my husband is an electrician, I will ask him.  Sure enough he came over yesterday and tracked down the problem, a blown fuse.  Unluckily though it blew again so he had to track down why.  Luckily it wasnt hard.  He found it easily and fixed the issue.  We now have a working heater and AC and yes, where we live we might need both in a week. :)

I have been working on becoming a sub para for the school district.  IT has finally happened.  I am starting that on Friday.  and I have a friend who will watch the little one for a good price.  It works for the family because it gives me experience back in the school without taking away too much from my primary duty in the family as Mom.  That is and always will be my primary duty, and I am fine with that. We don't NEED the money I will bring in though it will be nice.  So I can work when I want, and still do the fun things like go with the kids on field trips, go to the gym, go to play groups, all that fun stuff.  Be home when the kids are sick, be home to help with home work, help with dinner...

So yes, sometimes I look up, smile and say, I know that was you God! Thank You!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Gumball machine

There was an article in the April 2014 Ensign magazine published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints entitled Beyond the bubblegum machine (read the full article here

It was fantastic.  She talks about how many people see Church and serving God as a gumball machine. you put a penny in, you get a gumball.  Or you put time in, going to church, reading scriptures, serving in a calling, reading scriptures...  you understand.  Then you get a blessing.  Right?  She goes through and explains how yes, that is true... but...  the blessing may not always be what you want.

If we always got what we wanted where would we be?  What would be the point?  We would all be spoiled rotten rich kids with an entitled attitude.
That's not life.

She herself at one point gave up on the church because all she ever wanted (married with a family) was not happening even after all her time given to the Lord.

Then she learned that it shouldn't be about what you get for what you give.  it should just be about giving to the Lord and trusting in His will and time.

I thought about how much the article is akin to step 3. Trust in the Lord.  The Lord knows what is best for us.  and He will give us what we need when we need it, whether or not  we get it when we want it.  That means trials also.

If life/ church worked like a gumball machine would we truly be happy?  No we wouldn't. We need opposition.  Look at what Adam and Eve and the lessons we learned from them.  We have to have sorrow before we can know joy.  We have to know Joy before we can know sorrow.

Yes trials suck.  Some more than others.  And while it is hard while we are going through them we need to look for the joy and the lesson in them.  If we are doing it right we will become stronger and better for our trials.

Am I glad for some of my trials? no but one day I hope to be.  Some of them I am glad for at least in part.  Without having have suffered through severe Post partum depression and all the crap that came with that I wouldn't have met and worked with and loved some of the wonderful ladies that I did.  Some of them years later here we are still face book friends.  One of them I am really close to and she lifts me up constantly.  Would I rather not have gone through that?  YES!  I would have.  Did I feel at the time that it was undue for all that I was doing right?  YES.  Did I give up?  Almost.  Luckily The good Lord pulled me through with the help of a counselor, some wonderful online friends and some alternative doctors.

Would I rather not be married to a recovering addict?  Yes.  But would I change it?  Probably not.  Because he IS recovering.  He IS making progress and becoming a better person, and I and my children are too. and I have met some wonderful women (and some men who have served with their wives as group leaders) who have helped me and lifted me.  More so than the ones who sought to tear us down for the trials that were given us.

Today was the General Relief Society meeting, now I guess just the Womens meeting since they have expanded it beyond just the Relief Society.  Can I just say I am PROUD to be a member of a church that uplifts and honors it's women in the way that ours does?  It is fantastic.  I love women's conference and my Church and my God, and his Son, my Brother Jesus Christ.

Friday, March 21, 2014


We have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum.  It is a challenge.  There are times, long periods of time where he is "perfectly normal" and everything is smooth then he goes through weeks or months of time where he is off kilter and almost completely unmanageable.  This last time has been pretty extreme.  It started in December when we were packing up our apartment to move into our house.  The fits, the meltdowns, the screaming and yelling and throwing things when he asks a question and doesnt like the answer.  Or gets asked to do something he doesn't want to do.  Or you simply ask him to choose between chocolate and vanilla and the question is just more than he can process at the moment.

So in December we bought a house.  Uprooted him from our apartment (his school stayed the same, though we weren't for sure it would at first, which was a hard thing for him, the not knowing) a new bus and new bus driver, new people on the bus a different drive, having to stop and let kids off at another school before going to his school...getting ready for Christmas vacation...
That's a lot for one kid!

Then come The return to school in January and his teacher is gone.  She broke her ankle and they returned to a sub.  3 subs in the first week back to school before they settled on a long term sub.
That's a lot for one kid.

Then he started getting pushed around and hit by a kid at school.
Then his bus driver died.

How much more can one kid (and his parents and his siblings) deal with?  The answer.  No more.  We were done after the first round.

Not being able to handle life anymore and the  meltdowns weren't enough to help him blow off steam, he turned to lying and stealing.

Ya, we have had a lot to deal with  since December.  Besides stuff going on at the husbands work adding stress and emotions to the already volitile situation.

How do you help your kid?  One that doesn't understand a lot of simple things, but can grasp a lot of deep heavy stuff, but nothing on an emotional level.

We turned to the school counselor for one.

For the other?  We turned to God.  At first when my husband brought it up I thought well it's not going to make that much of a difference.  WE already pray as a family, we have the kids say their prayers, we read the scriptures.  We are already doing that, turning to God.  We are already asking for help, believing that it will come and we will get answers.  how more can we turn to him?

Well what we have started doing is praying one on one with each child, morning and night.  Child prays, adult prays. times 3.  then we have family prayer.  It is amazing the difference.  Do we still have melt downs?  Yes.  instead of 5-8 per day we are more like 1-5 per week.  Huge difference.  The other huge difference?  our children are now turning to God.  Their prayers are changing.  They are grateful for different things, they ask for different things.  They THINK to pray.  they don't just think to pray.  There is actually though that goes into it.  They are talking with God.  Even the 3 year old has picked up on and started changing things.

My son started praying for his bully.  Talking to him, telling him he didn't like that, talking to the teacher at school about it.  Do you know the last time my son approached an adult without them talking to him first?  It's been over a year.  You know the last time he expressed emotion that wasn't an all out melt down?  It's been over a year.

Suddenly we add in extra one on one praying and the kid starts talking.  Saying I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm sad... and adding a because.  He gives hugs on his terms, he says goodbye to his sisters when he leaves for school, hugging and kissing them.  he says I LOVE YOU!    Him and the bully?  they are now friends.

Amazing what such a simple thing can do.  Do we still have issues and fights and problems?  Yes.  We are not a perfect family, nor are we in a perfect world.  Can we handle them better?  YES.  yes we can.
amazing what a little extra prayer can do.

It's the little things.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


I am struggling again.  With several things that I can't write here for varying reasons.  But right now life pretty much sucks.  I hate where I am and how I feel.

  One phrase that I hate is "God won't give you more than you can handle" I have always hated it.  It has always rubbed me wrong.  I could never put together in words why.
My friend shared this blog post on Facebook today.  This.  This is what is wrong with that phrase.

She worded this all so well.  It was totally worth the read and the re-share here.

The Atonement needs to be used in these times of our lives.  I am trying hard to lean on my Savior right now.  Give Him the burdens my Heavenly Father has seen fit to hand to me.

Right now I don't know how things will turn out, what will happen.  What I do know is that If He brought me to it HE will walk me through it.  *If I ask Him and lean on Him.