My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Friday, January 11, 2013


So it's been a hard month.  Yesterday was a day from Hell.  It just was.  My house is a complete disaster I have been on the phone and the computer way more than usual, the kids are all upset and just get into EVERYTHING everyone is all out of sorts.  Finally yesterday I lost it and yelled and screamed and threw a huge fit and left the house to a doctors appointment in tears after posting on Facebook that I was over the day and I was just fried and done and couldn't handle anymore.  As I am walking out the door my neighbor comes up and says, Um I hit your car, but there is no damage.  I go out there and yes, there is damage, she pushed the bumper off it's clips and it is on, but not well.

Really?!?  Really?!?   I was to pissed to do anything about it, and late for an appointment and had to drive there while it was still snowing as it had been all day and we were in 5 inches of really wet snow.

While at the doctors I was texting people.  My brother said the bumper had to be fixed before out 1150 mile road trip to go look for a place to live in our new city, other wise at speed on the highway it could fly off.  Of course that could cause an accident, even potentially kill someone.  Right, I don't want that on my head.  NO WAY.

And my husband texts me and says by the way I am plowing the lot tomorrow (he works at the mall) I need to be in at 230 AM  which means I get to be up with the kid in the middle of the night AND the early morning.  Usually he does all that because without the sun I have to sleep.

So we get home from the doctor and neighbor says, I will find a way to pay for or fix the damage, I don't know how but I will.  I have no insurance and my car isn't even registered. *sigh*  Why, WHY in the heck are you driving a car that is not registered or insured?!?  FREAKING WHY.

So come this morning.  I take it down to a body shop to see about fixing it.
He quoted me 60 to reattach the bumper or 560 to repaint and fix the ding from her licence plate screw.

Well Knowing that she has no job, she hasnt paid her insurance on her car in who knows how long, she is driving illegally.  We dont have any money.  Our whole move is going on the credit cards, IF it will even fit on the credit cards until we get out tax refund...

We are taking the 60.00 route.  She says she will pay me before I move.  I think she is sincere, but I can see it not happening.  I can see it happening too though.  She was honest enough to tell me that she hit me.  I would have had no clue had she not told me.  I would have noticed the damage, yes, but she didn't have to admit to it.  She is grateful to me I am willing to take the 60 route and not the 560 one, and for that I think she will come up with the money.  She is also grateful I am not reporting it to the police or the insurance since that would cost her a lot more in fines and whatnot.

So some blessings from this.  I had sent all 3 kids ages 7,5,2 down to the car to get in, giving my 7 year old the keys and telling him to get everyone in while I was still gathering stuff to get out of the house.  They had not made it down the stairs yet when she hit me.  What if they had been trying to get in the car while she was parking?  They would have been hurt. They were safe because they were on the stairs.

Travis going and doing the lots this morning he earned an extra 64.00 that will be on his next paycheck. Now we can pay for it if she doesn't pay us for it.

I needed some work done on my wedding ring.  We have been putting it off.  Finally he took it in today after we found out the van repairs would be reasonable.  We want Morgan Jewlers to do the work, and he loves the people that work in the one at our mall.  They have been fantastic to him while he has worked there.  So we finally figured now or never, it till take at least a week for the work to be done, gotta do it now so I can have it back before we move.  So he took it in.  The manager decided to do the work for free.  YAY!

The last couple of days I have been talking to one of the Relief Society Presidents in our new town.  Our tiny town will have 4 wards and a college ward in it.  I have been communicating with this one.  She is lovely.  I want to live in her ward.  Anyway, she told me yesterday that all this crap is either the Adversary trying to keep us from going or the Lord trying to hold us back, though she felt because this move will better our lives and is a major progression for us that it was the adversary.

With the other blessings that have come into play today and the realization that the kids could have been hurt and weren't  I think it is the Adversary.

The other small blessing was while the 2 year old did wake up at 1 this morning she happily went back to sleep in daddy's bed (he was on the couch so at 2 am he wouldnt bother me leaving) she RARELY goes right back to sleep, especially if she is in our bed.  She did though and I was happy.

Now to get the van fixed next week, praying that I can find time to take it in.  I dont know where I will find the time.  We are rarely busy, but my week next week is just so jam packed.

And to pray that we find a place to live.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


There is a lot going on around here and basically I have been avoiding life as much as I can.

I hate winter.  I hate the cold, but worse, I hate the lack of sunshine.  I have heard that Seattle gets more sun than we do in the winter.  I  believe it.  This week has been odd in the fact that the sun has been seen twice!

We like the area here, but really the lack of sun between October and May is hard.  It is getting worse every year.  This year has been terrible for me.  Especially with ALL the changes.

It's been hard.

We are moving, and this is a good thing.  We need to leave here for more reasons than one.  and we got a better job.  A career job.

Moving states is a daunting thing, especialy when many people wont deal with you across state lines (as far as renting a new place goes) it is too far to just go and look.  We move on Feb 9th.  We go look for a place to live Jan 30th to Feb 3.  We put in our 30 day notice already so we have to leave on the 9th.  I am trying hard to focus on step 3, trusting in God.  We know this is the right decision.  Some days are better than others.

We have been mostly looking at renting a trailer/mobile/manufactured home.  Whatever you want to call those things!  I have heard all those names for them and people that live in them prefer to call them different things.
Whatever they are all the same thing.

Anyway I am rambling because I am avoiding.

I realized I have a problem with living in a trailer.  When talking to my son the other day the realization started, then yesterday it hit.
We lived in a trailer with Grandma, who passed just over a year ago.  There is this one that keeps staring me in the face.  Everytime I go to look for a place there it is front and center.  It is the same color as the one we lived in.

I loved Grandma.  She was a wonderful woman that taught me so much about life, about living like Christ, about doing the things He would do.  About following our Fathers plan in our lives.  I am forever grateful for her love and example to me.

So why am I having a hard time looking at trailers?  Because I still am having a hard time with her death.  I still miss her. I have not adjusted to her being gone, to her not there for me to email and call whenever I want.

I think also because of all the dark times there.  It was a very dark time in my life.  We had moved in there because we couldnt live where we had before because I couldnt be alone anymore.  I was dealing with severe PPD. (Postpartum depression) I was having nearly constant images in my head.  Violent gruesome images.  I had so much self hatred over it.  I was suicidal.  And on top of  it all I was dealing with everything to do with my husbands addiction.
Grandma saved me.  Not like an enabler or a codependant saves people, but like Christ saves people.  Through pure love and example and making me want to heal me.

I think I am only afraid of living in a trailer, especially a similar trailer because I am hurting right now.  The lack of sun is taking a huge toll on me.  I am doing so many things to combat that, but there are so many other things going on now.  It's just all too much, so I have been hiding, not facing anything and not dealing, not even acknowledging that feelings even exist.

So there it is.  I have feelings, they are there and I am going to deal with them now.  Hopefully by the time we move and get settled wherever we get settled at I will be back on my feet and happy and healthy and ready to deal with life as my husband runs off to do his military requirements then as he comes home and leaves again to the Police academy.