My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Step 3

It's not what step I am on, Still working through some further on, but right now at this time I need to look to step 3 to help me with my current step and with the things going on in my life.
 I love this step, it comes in handy and is something we all need to focus on, whether we are addicts or not.
Trust in God, no matter how challanging the circumstance... your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. (Richard G. SCott "The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing" Ensign, May 2003)

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him.

Continues submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning in our lives.
(Step 3, Addiction Recovery Program : a Guide to addiction recovery and healing)

 The reason you keep going to meetings is so that you can repeatedly review the steps while you are working on your own, because you learn more and new things, and you find things like this that helps you remember what you need to bring back in that you have lost along the way.

Recently I have forgotten that it isnt up to me to do it all, that I have help.  I have help if I put my trust in God, and in the atonement of my Lord and Savior.  With them I can do all things.  I can get through this slump and rise higher than I was before falling into the slump.


Is it easy to put your trust in the direction of your life into the hands of God, for some, yes, for others, no.  Let go and let God, life will be easier.  Through Prayer, and through living close to the spirit and living right, thus allowing the spirit into your life, it is easier.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Hearts of the fathers...

Today we buried my grandmother.  It was sweet.  She was 89 and lived a long wonderful life.  She has wanted to go for oh so long.  Her husband died 20 years ago.  It was sad, but happy.  Last week on my trek down there, it hit me I had never talked to her at all about dealing with addiction.  I realized then that on the other side she would know and would be a great support for me in healing.

As soon as it became apparent that I wasnt going to make it my sister called and held the phone to my Grandma's ear and I got to say good-bye.  I asked her to watch over me and to help me.  I know she will.

I know some who believe that once we get over to the other side we will be so busy preparing for the second coming of our Savior that we wont be paying attention to what goes on down here, especially not enough to come visit.  (now they may be more thinking along the "ghost story lines... I have never clarified with them)
My firm belief is that our ancestors are there on the other side and they are still with us when we need it.  I have seen and felt my ancestors at times.

My Grandmother dealt with an addicted loved one.  She knows what we go through.  I learned today something that I had heard briefly a long time ago, learned in more depth that she had more of the same struggles that I have had.  I fully believe as is talked about in the Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that we are to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers.  As part of this I know that they are there to help us.  lift us when we s tumble.  and love us through it.  ESPECIALLY if it is something that they have experienced.  How else are we supposed to turn our hearts to each other if we are not helping one another?

I am grateful for my grandparents, all of them.  for the love and strength they have given me.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Long time

It's been a long time.  Far too long.  Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.

I'm back.

It's been a long few months.  We moved, are trying to get settled.  Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.

I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things.  Especially the little things.

We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing.  But it was hard, I  last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her.  We didn't make it.  I almost turned around and came home.  I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home.  So we continued on.

I am forever glad we did.  I was there with my dad when he needed me.  It was a trying experience for sure.  Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again.  But it's ok.  This is why we moved closer to family.

We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time.  We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him.  We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him.  We fought long and hard for him.  Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people.  WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah...  It has been a long road.  Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time.  If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.

We are now struggling with the littlest one too.  Todays struggle dealt with them both.  I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son.  It was awful.  I made him cry.  I shocked everyone.

My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time.  I said yes, so we went.  I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.

Then... God came in.

There was an almost 8 year old there playing.  She got into it with my 2 year old.  Mom stepped in.  I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in.  Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines.  I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore.  Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.

So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it.  Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body.  Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it.  I told mom that.  We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes.  Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him.  I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it.  I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.

Their story was our story minus the therapies.  She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us.  They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting.  So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed.  I really think we both learned so much from our conversation.  WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.

God is there.  He has a plan, he is ready to help.  Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself.  But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide.  Look for Him.

Friday, January 11, 2013


So it's been a hard month.  Yesterday was a day from Hell.  It just was.  My house is a complete disaster I have been on the phone and the computer way more than usual, the kids are all upset and just get into EVERYTHING everyone is all out of sorts.  Finally yesterday I lost it and yelled and screamed and threw a huge fit and left the house to a doctors appointment in tears after posting on Facebook that I was over the day and I was just fried and done and couldn't handle anymore.  As I am walking out the door my neighbor comes up and says, Um I hit your car, but there is no damage.  I go out there and yes, there is damage, she pushed the bumper off it's clips and it is on, but not well.

Really?!?  Really?!?   I was to pissed to do anything about it, and late for an appointment and had to drive there while it was still snowing as it had been all day and we were in 5 inches of really wet snow.

While at the doctors I was texting people.  My brother said the bumper had to be fixed before out 1150 mile road trip to go look for a place to live in our new city, other wise at speed on the highway it could fly off.  Of course that could cause an accident, even potentially kill someone.  Right, I don't want that on my head.  NO WAY.

And my husband texts me and says by the way I am plowing the lot tomorrow (he works at the mall) I need to be in at 230 AM  which means I get to be up with the kid in the middle of the night AND the early morning.  Usually he does all that because without the sun I have to sleep.

So we get home from the doctor and neighbor says, I will find a way to pay for or fix the damage, I don't know how but I will.  I have no insurance and my car isn't even registered. *sigh*  Why, WHY in the heck are you driving a car that is not registered or insured?!?  FREAKING WHY.

So come this morning.  I take it down to a body shop to see about fixing it.
He quoted me 60 to reattach the bumper or 560 to repaint and fix the ding from her licence plate screw.

Well Knowing that she has no job, she hasnt paid her insurance on her car in who knows how long, she is driving illegally.  We dont have any money.  Our whole move is going on the credit cards, IF it will even fit on the credit cards until we get out tax refund...

We are taking the 60.00 route.  She says she will pay me before I move.  I think she is sincere, but I can see it not happening.  I can see it happening too though.  She was honest enough to tell me that she hit me.  I would have had no clue had she not told me.  I would have noticed the damage, yes, but she didn't have to admit to it.  She is grateful to me I am willing to take the 60 route and not the 560 one, and for that I think she will come up with the money.  She is also grateful I am not reporting it to the police or the insurance since that would cost her a lot more in fines and whatnot.

So some blessings from this.  I had sent all 3 kids ages 7,5,2 down to the car to get in, giving my 7 year old the keys and telling him to get everyone in while I was still gathering stuff to get out of the house.  They had not made it down the stairs yet when she hit me.  What if they had been trying to get in the car while she was parking?  They would have been hurt. They were safe because they were on the stairs.

Travis going and doing the lots this morning he earned an extra 64.00 that will be on his next paycheck. Now we can pay for it if she doesn't pay us for it.

I needed some work done on my wedding ring.  We have been putting it off.  Finally he took it in today after we found out the van repairs would be reasonable.  We want Morgan Jewlers to do the work, and he loves the people that work in the one at our mall.  They have been fantastic to him while he has worked there.  So we finally figured now or never, it till take at least a week for the work to be done, gotta do it now so I can have it back before we move.  So he took it in.  The manager decided to do the work for free.  YAY!

The last couple of days I have been talking to one of the Relief Society Presidents in our new town.  Our tiny town will have 4 wards and a college ward in it.  I have been communicating with this one.  She is lovely.  I want to live in her ward.  Anyway, she told me yesterday that all this crap is either the Adversary trying to keep us from going or the Lord trying to hold us back, though she felt because this move will better our lives and is a major progression for us that it was the adversary.

With the other blessings that have come into play today and the realization that the kids could have been hurt and weren't  I think it is the Adversary.

The other small blessing was while the 2 year old did wake up at 1 this morning she happily went back to sleep in daddy's bed (he was on the couch so at 2 am he wouldnt bother me leaving) she RARELY goes right back to sleep, especially if she is in our bed.  She did though and I was happy.

Now to get the van fixed next week, praying that I can find time to take it in.  I dont know where I will find the time.  We are rarely busy, but my week next week is just so jam packed.

And to pray that we find a place to live.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


There is a lot going on around here and basically I have been avoiding life as much as I can.

I hate winter.  I hate the cold, but worse, I hate the lack of sunshine.  I have heard that Seattle gets more sun than we do in the winter.  I  believe it.  This week has been odd in the fact that the sun has been seen twice!

We like the area here, but really the lack of sun between October and May is hard.  It is getting worse every year.  This year has been terrible for me.  Especially with ALL the changes.

It's been hard.

We are moving, and this is a good thing.  We need to leave here for more reasons than one.  and we got a better job.  A career job.

Moving states is a daunting thing, especialy when many people wont deal with you across state lines (as far as renting a new place goes) it is too far to just go and look.  We move on Feb 9th.  We go look for a place to live Jan 30th to Feb 3.  We put in our 30 day notice already so we have to leave on the 9th.  I am trying hard to focus on step 3, trusting in God.  We know this is the right decision.  Some days are better than others.

We have been mostly looking at renting a trailer/mobile/manufactured home.  Whatever you want to call those things!  I have heard all those names for them and people that live in them prefer to call them different things.
Whatever they are all the same thing.

Anyway I am rambling because I am avoiding.

I realized I have a problem with living in a trailer.  When talking to my son the other day the realization started, then yesterday it hit.
We lived in a trailer with Grandma, who passed just over a year ago.  There is this one that keeps staring me in the face.  Everytime I go to look for a place there it is front and center.  It is the same color as the one we lived in.

I loved Grandma.  She was a wonderful woman that taught me so much about life, about living like Christ, about doing the things He would do.  About following our Fathers plan in our lives.  I am forever grateful for her love and example to me.

So why am I having a hard time looking at trailers?  Because I still am having a hard time with her death.  I still miss her. I have not adjusted to her being gone, to her not there for me to email and call whenever I want.

I think also because of all the dark times there.  It was a very dark time in my life.  We had moved in there because we couldnt live where we had before because I couldnt be alone anymore.  I was dealing with severe PPD. (Postpartum depression) I was having nearly constant images in my head.  Violent gruesome images.  I had so much self hatred over it.  I was suicidal.  And on top of  it all I was dealing with everything to do with my husbands addiction.
Grandma saved me.  Not like an enabler or a codependant saves people, but like Christ saves people.  Through pure love and example and making me want to heal me.

I think I am only afraid of living in a trailer, especially a similar trailer because I am hurting right now.  The lack of sun is taking a huge toll on me.  I am doing so many things to combat that, but there are so many other things going on now.  It's just all too much, so I have been hiding, not facing anything and not dealing, not even acknowledging that feelings even exist.

So there it is.  I have feelings, they are there and I am going to deal with them now.  Hopefully by the time we move and get settled wherever we get settled at I will be back on my feet and happy and healthy and ready to deal with life as my husband runs off to do his military requirements then as he comes home and leaves again to the Police academy.