My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Long time

It's been a long time.  Far too long.  Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.

I'm back.

It's been a long few months.  We moved, are trying to get settled.  Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.

I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things.  Especially the little things.

We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing.  But it was hard, I  last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her.  We didn't make it.  I almost turned around and came home.  I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home.  So we continued on.

I am forever glad we did.  I was there with my dad when he needed me.  It was a trying experience for sure.  Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again.  But it's ok.  This is why we moved closer to family.

We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time.  We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him.  We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him.  We fought long and hard for him.  Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people.  WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah...  It has been a long road.  Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time.  If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.

We are now struggling with the littlest one too.  Todays struggle dealt with them both.  I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son.  It was awful.  I made him cry.  I shocked everyone.

My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time.  I said yes, so we went.  I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.

Then... God came in.

There was an almost 8 year old there playing.  She got into it with my 2 year old.  Mom stepped in.  I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in.  Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines.  I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore.  Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.

So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it.  Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body.  Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it.  I told mom that.  We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes.  Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him.  I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it.  I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.

Their story was our story minus the therapies.  She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us.  They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting.  So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed.  I really think we both learned so much from our conversation.  WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.

God is there.  He has a plan, he is ready to help.  Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself.  But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide.  Look for Him.

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