My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Monday, October 22, 2012

One Year

One year ago today one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died.  She died at one of the most horrible times too.  My husband was gone off to Basic Training and was not able to attend the funeral. Luckily for me my mom was up here visiting when I got the news and she helped me hold it together long enough to contact the Red Cross to get a message to my husband, and to figure out how to get to the funeral, and find a sitter for my older 2 kids. I honestly dont know how I would have gotten through those first couple of days without my mom here.

We moved in with Grandma when my son was just under a year old.  We were going through so much at that time.  I was suicidal, my husband was deep into his addiction, so much so he could barley function.  I had so much anxiety most days I could hardly do anything at all.  It was a horrible time.  We would not have made it through it without Grandma.  She saved my life, she really did.  She was the first person I could talk to that didn't judge me or hate me.  She never talked down to me.  She just loved me.  I wasn't even her grandchild but she loved me unconditionally none the less.

She held us up when we needed it most.  And she taught me how to love.  Through everything that people threw at me she was always there as I sat and cried and cried.  When we moved out several months later, she was still always around.  We fed her dinner a couple of times a month.  We would send her home with left overs, and she would "be in the neighborhood" a couple of days later to drop off the dishes.  She was always at my door when I needed someone the most.  I never had to call or ask, she just knew and would be there with my dishes, or with a treat she had gotten at the store for the kids.  and always a hug  and love for me.

She supported us through the cps fiasco.  She taught us how to forgive the accusers and let it go, and to move on from it.  She couldn't believe what they had done and was hurt by it too, but she taught us by her example how we could move on from it.

Even after we moved up here she always seemed to know when we were in need.  I would get a card or a letter from her in the mail, or an email, or a phone call.  Always on a day when I needed it most.  The only way she could have ever knows was because she cared that much and was so close to the Spirit.

I love Grandma so much.  She was beautiful inside and out.  She cared for and loved everyone around her.  She was always involved as much as she could be, but also knew when she just needed to step back and not interfere.  She was so easy to live with and so easy to love.

While we were living with her she was the ward organist and the Relief Society pianist.  I was the Relief Society Chorister.  I could lead music, yes.  But a choir, no.  Last minute I got sprung on that I was in charge of a Relief Society Choir for Sacrament meeting.  We had 2 Sundays to practice and they didn't want a song from the Hymnal, it was to be a choral arrangement.  With swells and pauses, crescendos and everything.  I was already riddled with anxiety about everything, and this just about put me over the edge.
Grandma though, she saved the day.  She took me to the church every day and we practiced.  She played the piano and would call out to me instructions  "start the sopranos" Use your other hand to bring int he Alto's. "Now with both hands, cut them off" Or, "Hold the sopranos and cut off the Altos" "make sure to look at the alto's here and not the Sopranos"
She was amazing.  She was eternally patient.  I only saw her mad a few times and it never lasted long, just until she had a chance to go and pray.

I have felt her near many times this year, and I am grateful for that because I was so not ready for her to go.  I can't believe we have made it a year without the emails, cards and phone calls.  We have though.  And she is greatly missed and always will be.

I am grateful for her presence and her teaching in my life.  I am grateful for her watchful guidance  her love and kindness.  There are many many lessons that I have learned from Grandma, but I wont bore you all with them.  I hope that one day I can be as compassionate as she was.  I hope that one day I can love those that hurt us (because there will always be hurtful people) as much as she loved those who hurt her.  I hope that I can do as much service to those around me as she did.

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful tribute to your mom.Thanks for sharing! Mom's really are amazing.
    I am grateful for my own angel of mercy many times in my life.

    Sorry for your loss. I bet she is your guardian angel. Hugs!!