I am trying to create a personal inventory. I don't know how. I have the manual to help me, but that is it. Well I have my Heavenly Father too. I have been praying and thinking about it for several weeks. Today during nap time I sat down and wrote 3 pages. Yet I came away feeling both like I accomplished something and like I didn't do it right. What I wrote feels more like a blog post than an inventory. I fell like I did it wrong, and yet I wrote what was in my heart and in my head. I am more or less the facilitator of our group (waiting for final approval from the Bishop) I have no one to advise me on my inventory. No one to help me complete step 5. I had an idea of who to go to, but Now I don't think it feels right. I don't feel the inventory is complete, or done right. But how could it not be done right? There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's personal and there are many many ways to do it. I think mostly I just feel inadequate. I think there has been very few places and situations in my life that I have felt like What I have done was good enough or that I was good enough. I grew up without much praise. Not that my parents were bad parents, they had many many struggles that I saw and knew that they were doing their best. But through growing up I was rarely made to feel like I had done all I could. Often times through my husbands addiction that has been thrown at me by him in many ways. It has been thrown at me by so many people in so many places.
I have had praise too. Every month when I teach people thank me for my lesson, tell me how wonderful it was. Yet I still feel so inadequate. and writing my inventory I feel the same. It isn't the processes of it that makes me feel that way, it was a relief to write it, freeing. Yet Now a couple hours later I feel like I did it all wrong. Probably because The Adversary wants me to feel that way. I wish I had someone I could share it with. Someone in the know. That is my prayer for now. Along with continued prayers in the inventory because I don't feel it is finished. I feel there is more inside that needs to come out. not in the inadequate way, but in the helpful, search for more and let it out so you can finish healing way.