My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Monday, May 28, 2012

getting it out.

getting it out so I can let it go.  I cannot tell you how many times people who were related to my husband would call me on the phone for one reason or the other and they would spend so long pointing out EVERY. LITTLE.THING that I did wrong.  They told me repeatedly that they hated me.  They would never like me, they would never accept me as family.  I had to apologize for every little thing.  My apology to them was never good enough, I didn't apologize for the right thing, in the right way.   You would think that being that I was his wife and I was under attack from those that were close to him that he would put a stop to it.  I begged him, I pleaded with him.  I refused to go to gatherings where they were.  I was told that I had to just let it go, grow thicker skin, ignore it and just be the bigger person and play nice.  We would in no way stay away from the situation.  We had to be a part of it.  I was his wife and no matter what I had to stand by him and go with him.
there was over 2 years of it.  I quit answering on the phone  I would get 3 sometimes 4 voice-mails in a row that they would call back each time so they could dump all over me.  Once the voice-mail would cut them off they would call right back until they were finished.  When that didn't work they would email.  Sometimes I would email back.  Sometimes I would attack back.  It was an awful situation.

Finally he decided enough was enough.  It was too late.  There was no way to stop the snowball rolling down the steep hill.  It was through the program that we were in that he learned finally that the behavior was wrong.  It had to be him that put his foot down and put a stop to it.  By then it was too late.  They hated so deep that him trying to put a stop to it just pushed them harder.  It ended in them reporting us to child protective services.  That was a horrid moment in our lives.  I knew I wasn't the best parent, but I was trying.  I wasn't the worst parent either.  I didn't beat my kids, they always had plenty in the way of physical needs.  They got play time with me and outside.  I did emotionally neglect them though.  I was detached from them.  I couldn't deal with it all.  I was emotionally detached from everyone and everything around me, including myself.  It wasn't just them.    I was lucky that I wasn't totally detached from the Spirit because the day CPS walked through my door The spirit had prompted me to do somethings around the house.  One of which was not putting off the carpet cleaning any longer.  EVeryone had been sick with a horrible stomache bug.  2 kids in diapers that would explode, kids puking.  I was sick too.  The carpet in the main living area of our house was awful.  I had of course cleaned up after every incident, but the smell was still there we had finally just gotten to the end of the worst of things and had borrowed a carpet cleaner.  I was prompted that instead of napping then cleaning (the kids were asleep) that I should shampoo the carpet then nap while it dried.  I did, and I was ever so glad. I cannot imagine what she would have thought walking into that after a call had already been placed.

The case with CPS ended well.  We had to get all sorts of stuff from the doctors. The Early Intervention person and the Occupational Therapist that worked with my son were contacted after we signed releases from them.  We had our initial visit from the social worker, had a doctors appointment with our doctor and with the CPS nurse.  The case was decided that it was a "retaliation case" We were asked if we were in a fight with family or friends because that is the only reason they could see that they had been called.

At the beginning of the case  we had called a neighbor who went to church with us and was also a Lawyer.  We called him for advice and support.  He came over and gave us both Priesthood Blessings.  We were both told that the called had been placed out of the fault of others, not the fault of ours.

It was the final straw for my husband.  We were already planning on moving.  Had stuff already started being packed.  In fact there were several boxes of stuff sitting around when CPS walked in.  She even noted the fact that it looked like were were moving either in or out.  my husband gave some of the people involved a chance to make amends.  They didn't want to.  So we left without saying good bye.  It was hard, but had to be done.

We worked hard on forgiving them.  It was hard though.  How can you forgive someone after so much had been said and done?  How could your forgive someone who wasn't sorry?
In the Book of Mormon we learn from the book of Third Nephi 13:14-15  "For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
There is also that saying that carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

We were counseled at one point that there is a big difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again.  Most of the time people think that to forgive means to trust.  You can forgive an abuser, a rapist, a murderer, but that does not mean you have to trust them and place yourself with them again.  You can forgive them and not carry that burden of hate with you against them.  Trust is earned, they have to earn trust, but they don't have to earn forgiveness.

It took awhile, but we forgave them.  I am not writing this to get out my feelings for them, but my feelings for my spouse.  I wasn't good enough for him to stand up for.  I wasn't worth the time to him.  He knows he has done wrong, he knows what he should have done.  He has apologized for it.  I have partly forgiven him for it, now it is time to finish.

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