My Journey to Healing, as a spouse of a recovering Porn addict.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Learning to let go

Doing this is hard.  Especially for those of us who are nurtures by instinct. It is easy for us to take over where someone else cant.  In doing this with an addict though you take away their agency.  We each have our own agency.  Even the Christ our Savior and our Father in Heaven (God) cannot override another persons agency.  So what makes us think we can?  I dont know but it is a cycle that must be broken.
Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( )

We need to learn to understand agency and to accept it.  We have the power to choose our actions.  Not the actions of others.  We can choose how we react to the actions of others.
Elder David A. Bednar:  "you cannot control the intentions of behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act.( )

Learn to accept powerlessness.  There is nothing that we can do to stop a tsunami, an earthquake, a hurricane.  These things are out of our control and we are easily able to accept that.  We need to take that same ideal and apply it to the addiction of a loved one.  We can not control them anymore than we can control Mother Nature. 

Learn to let it go.  Take a deep breath and breathe out the fear, anger, hate, unkind thoughts, ill feelings.  These things do us no good.  they drag us down and keep us down.  It is natural to feel these things, and ok for some times.  At some point though all these things need to be let go of.  Sometimes it is through tears.  If you are to the point where you cannot cry over something, yet you are hurt or angry about it, that is a scary point.  It is good to cry, it is a very healthy emotional release, especially if done in moderation.  Moderation in all things.  I love to stand in the shower and cry. I let the water wash away my tears.  I cry out all my bad feelings and watch them go down the drain away from me.  I let the water hit me in the head and run all the way down to my toes and out and down the drain.  I let the water take away all the bad.  It is a wonderful feeling!

Choose to take care of yourself.
This does not mean only doing for yourself and no one else.  It means taking time to look in the mirror and say, wow, you look good today.  You did a great job.  It means taking a few minutes to relax and breathe.  To do your hair, to bathe.  Take time to nourish you.  Your spirit needs attention too.  No matter how you want to do that, whether it be through scripture, prayer, meditation.  You need to reconnect to your spirit, to the you inside.  Once you nourish yourself you can nourish others.

When you understand the grip that an addiction has on a person you can see that you too are gripped by an addiction.  The addiction of co-dependency.  It can be as equally hard to break as the addiction of your loved one.  Why?  Because you want to help.  The problem comes in when you help too much and you control and take away another's agency.  That does no one any good.  Step back, make them learn while you are learning.  Letting go does wonders for overcoming  co-dependency.  that is an important step.  One that needs to be recognized, and repeated frequently,especially at first.    It seems unnatural at first, then becomes easier.  It is actually the best way to get your loved one out of their addiction is to break your tie with codependency. and breaking your control over them.

Elder Richard G. Scott: "Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that.  Forced obedience yields no blessings." ( )

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