I know that was you God!

I love this pic and I have felt like this a few times recently.  It's nice to have this feeling.  We went on a family vacation a couple weeks ago.  It was so nice.  No melt downs, no fits.  The little one did get scared of bugs in the bathroom and had to sleep in our room the whole trip and several days after but that was the only snaffu.

We started working in the yard.  It's overwhelming.  So much needs to be done.  We have a little grass.  Little patches here and there, clumpy, terrible.  It's never going to fill in so it all needs to come out.  we had about 4 dozen huge paving stepping stones that needed to come out.  a whole bunch of rock on the side of the house.  All are ant havens.  And spiders.  All needed to come out so our child could enjoy being outdoors.  Since she has panic attacks over bugs. We have already found ants.
Even though the yard work is overwhelming we feel blessed to be able to have a yard to work in. And the time and ability to do it.

The AC is broken and in the process of trying to see if the AC was a fuse we found the heater not turning on either.  ARGH.

So I was outside trying to figure out what to do with the yard and where to start ( after 3 hours of both of us already working out there)  I sighed and looked up and sorta said a prayer, just sorta thinking out loud.  I just said, how do we get this done?

I had this instant thought, there are people out there willing to do the work for free, these are expensive rocks.  So I took some pics, posted on the garage sale facebook page and bam, I had a dozen people wanting to dig them out and haul them away. My first thought was, right... I will go through them all it will take 3 weeks and maybe some will go.

Nope! One said she could come last night to look.  an hour after she got here she had most of them stacked and ready to haul.  a few minutes later the majority of them were gone.  So I contacted person 2.  there is some left you can come when you want in the next couple of days and take a look.  5 minutes later she was out front.  She was stunned at the rock we were giving away.  She was so willing to haul it away and dig it all out at no cost to either of us.  She was so excited and felt very blessed at my generosity.  While I felt very blessed at HER generosity.  Within an hour (I was shocked at her speed!) she had her brother in law here and they had hauled it all away.   Another person had come in the interim and took a few rocks.  Seriously In the matter of a few hours with ease and little work on my part so much got done.  Ants are packing up and moving out.  So many people were blessed.  The one person that had been so amazed had been needing a rock wall but could not afford the rock and had been driving out to the desert to dig out rock there.  We saved her SO much money.  She saved us SO much back breaking work!  How blessed we all were because of a simple prayer, that was only a half a prayer half just speaking aloud.

The AC is now fixed.  We asked around a little bit and the ARP lady that was filling in in the last meeting said oh my husband is an electrician, I will ask him.  Sure enough he came over yesterday and tracked down the problem, a blown fuse.  Unluckily though it blew again so he had to track down why.  Luckily it wasnt hard.  He found it easily and fixed the issue.  We now have a working heater and AC and yes, where we live we might need both in a week. :)

I have been working on becoming a sub para for the school district.  IT has finally happened.  I am starting that on Friday.  and I have a friend who will watch the little one for a good price.  It works for the family because it gives me experience back in the school without taking away too much from my primary duty in the family as Mom.  That is and always will be my primary duty, and I am fine with that. We don't NEED the money I will bring in though it will be nice.  So I can work when I want, and still do the fun things like go with the kids on field trips, go to the gym, go to play groups, all that fun stuff.  Be home when the kids are sick, be home to help with home work, help with dinner...

So yes, sometimes I look up, smile and say, I know that was you God! Thank You!

Gumball machine

There was an article in the April 2014 Ensign magazine published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints entitled Beyond the bubblegum machine (read the full article here https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/04/beyond-the-bubblegum-machine?lang=eng)

It was fantastic.  She talks about how many people see Church and serving God as a gumball machine. you put a penny in, you get a gumball.  Or you put time in, going to church, reading scriptures, serving in a calling, reading scriptures...  you understand.  Then you get a blessing.  Right?  She goes through and explains how yes, that is true... but...  the blessing may not always be what you want.

If we always got what we wanted where would we be?  What would be the point?  We would all be spoiled rotten rich kids with an entitled attitude.
That's not life.

She herself at one point gave up on the church because all she ever wanted (married with a family) was not happening even after all her time given to the Lord.

Then she learned that it shouldn't be about what you get for what you give.  it should just be about giving to the Lord and trusting in His will and time.

I thought about how much the article is akin to step 3. Trust in the Lord.  The Lord knows what is best for us.  and He will give us what we need when we need it, whether or not  we get it when we want it.  That means trials also.

If life/ church worked like a gumball machine would we truly be happy?  No we wouldn't. We need opposition.  Look at what Adam and Eve and the lessons we learned from them.  We have to have sorrow before we can know joy.  We have to know Joy before we can know sorrow.

Yes trials suck.  Some more than others.  And while it is hard while we are going through them we need to look for the joy and the lesson in them.  If we are doing it right we will become stronger and better for our trials.

Am I glad for some of my trials? no but one day I hope to be.  Some of them I am glad for at least in part.  Without having have suffered through severe Post partum depression and all the crap that came with that I wouldn't have met and worked with and loved some of the wonderful ladies that I did.  Some of them years later here we are still face book friends.  One of them I am really close to and she lifts me up constantly.  Would I rather not have gone through that?  YES!  I would have.  Did I feel at the time that it was undue for all that I was doing right?  YES.  Did I give up?  Almost.  Luckily The good Lord pulled me through with the help of a counselor, some wonderful online friends and some alternative doctors.

Would I rather not be married to a recovering addict?  Yes.  But would I change it?  Probably not.  Because he IS recovering.  He IS making progress and becoming a better person, and I and my children are too. and I have met some wonderful women (and some men who have served with their wives as group leaders) who have helped me and lifted me.  More so than the ones who sought to tear us down for the trials that were given us.


Today was the General Relief Society meeting, now I guess just the Womens meeting since they have expanded it beyond just the Relief Society.  Can I just say I am PROUD to be a member of a church that uplifts and honors it's women in the way that ours does?  It is fantastic.  I love women's conference and my Church and my God, and his Son, my Brother Jesus Christ.

Prayer

We have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum.  It is a challenge.  There are times, long periods of time where he is "perfectly normal" and everything is smooth then he goes through weeks or months of time where he is off kilter and almost completely unmanageable.  This last time has been pretty extreme.  It started in December when we were packing up our apartment to move into our house.  The fits, the meltdowns, the screaming and yelling and throwing things when he asks a question and doesnt like the answer.  Or gets asked to do something he doesn't want to do.  Or you simply ask him to choose between chocolate and vanilla and the question is just more than he can process at the moment.

So in December we bought a house.  Uprooted him from our apartment (his school stayed the same, though we weren't for sure it would at first, which was a hard thing for him, the not knowing) a new bus and new bus driver, new people on the bus a different drive, having to stop and let kids off at another school before going to his school...getting ready for Christmas vacation...
That's a lot for one kid!

Then come The return to school in January and his teacher is gone.  She broke her ankle and they returned to a sub.  3 subs in the first week back to school before they settled on a long term sub.
That's a lot for one kid.

Then he started getting pushed around and hit by a kid at school.
Then his bus driver died.

How much more can one kid (and his parents and his siblings) deal with?  The answer.  No more.  We were done after the first round.

Not being able to handle life anymore and the  meltdowns weren't enough to help him blow off steam, he turned to lying and stealing.

Ya, we have had a lot to deal with  since December.  Besides stuff going on at the husbands work adding stress and emotions to the already volitile situation.

How do you help your kid?  One that doesn't understand a lot of simple things, but can grasp a lot of deep heavy stuff, but nothing on an emotional level.

We turned to the school counselor for one.

For the other?  We turned to God.  At first when my husband brought it up I thought well it's not going to make that much of a difference.  WE already pray as a family, we have the kids say their prayers, we read the scriptures.  We are already doing that, turning to God.  We are already asking for help, believing that it will come and we will get answers.  how more can we turn to him?

Well what we have started doing is praying one on one with each child, morning and night.  Child prays, adult prays. times 3.  then we have family prayer.  It is amazing the difference.  Do we still have melt downs?  Yes.  instead of 5-8 per day we are more like 1-5 per week.  Huge difference.  The other huge difference?  our children are now turning to God.  Their prayers are changing.  They are grateful for different things, they ask for different things.  They THINK to pray.  they don't just think to pray.  There is actually though that goes into it.  They are talking with God.  Even the 3 year old has picked up on and started changing things.

My son started praying for his bully.  Talking to him, telling him he didn't like that, talking to the teacher at school about it.  Do you know the last time my son approached an adult without them talking to him first?  It's been over a year.  You know the last time he expressed emotion that wasn't an all out melt down?  It's been over a year.

Suddenly we add in extra one on one praying and the kid starts talking.  Saying I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm sad... and adding a because.  He gives hugs on his terms, he says goodbye to his sisters when he leaves for school, hugging and kissing them.  he says I LOVE YOU!    Him and the bully?  they are now friends.

Amazing what such a simple thing can do.  Do we still have issues and fights and problems?  Yes.  We are not a perfect family, nor are we in a perfect world.  Can we handle them better?  YES.  yes we can.
amazing what a little extra prayer can do.

It's the little things.

Struggling

I am struggling again.  With several things that I can't write here for varying reasons.  But right now life pretty much sucks.  I hate where I am and how I feel.

  One phrase that I hate is "God won't give you more than you can handle" I have always hated it.  It has always rubbed me wrong.  I could never put together in words why.
My friend shared this blog post on Facebook today.  This.  This is what is wrong with that phrase.
http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

She worded this all so well.  It was totally worth the read and the re-share here.

The Atonement needs to be used in these times of our lives.  I am trying hard to lean on my Savior right now.  Give Him the burdens my Heavenly Father has seen fit to hand to me.

Right now I don't know how things will turn out, what will happen.  What I do know is that If He brought me to it HE will walk me through it.  *If I ask Him and lean on Him.

Step 3

It's not what step I am on, Still working through some further on, but right now at this time I need to look to step 3 to help me with my current step and with the things going on in my life.
 I love this step, it comes in handy and is something we all need to focus on, whether we are addicts or not.
Trust in God, no matter how challanging the circumstance... your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. (Richard G. SCott "The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing" Ensign, May 2003)

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him.

Continues submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning in our lives.
(Step 3, Addiction Recovery Program : a Guide to addiction recovery and healing)

 The reason you keep going to meetings is so that you can repeatedly review the steps while you are working on your own, because you learn more and new things, and you find things like this that helps you remember what you need to bring back in that you have lost along the way.

Recently I have forgotten that it isnt up to me to do it all, that I have help.  I have help if I put my trust in God, and in the atonement of my Lord and Savior.  With them I can do all things.  I can get through this slump and rise higher than I was before falling into the slump.

AND YOU CAN TOO!

Is it easy to put your trust in the direction of your life into the hands of God, for some, yes, for others, no.  Let go and let God, life will be easier.  Through Prayer, and through living close to the spirit and living right, thus allowing the spirit into your life, it is easier.

Hearts of the fathers...

Today we buried my grandmother.  It was sweet.  She was 89 and lived a long wonderful life.  She has wanted to go for oh so long.  Her husband died 20 years ago.  It was sad, but happy.  Last week on my trek down there, it hit me I had never talked to her at all about dealing with addiction.  I realized then that on the other side she would know and would be a great support for me in healing.

As soon as it became apparent that I wasnt going to make it my sister called and held the phone to my Grandma's ear and I got to say good-bye.  I asked her to watch over me and to help me.  I know she will.

I know some who believe that once we get over to the other side we will be so busy preparing for the second coming of our Savior that we wont be paying attention to what goes on down here, especially not enough to come visit.  (now they may be more thinking along the "ghost story lines... I have never clarified with them)
My firm belief is that our ancestors are there on the other side and they are still with us when we need it.  I have seen and felt my ancestors at times.

My Grandmother dealt with an addicted loved one.  She knows what we go through.  I learned today something that I had heard briefly a long time ago, learned in more depth that she had more of the same struggles that I have had.  I fully believe as is talked about in the Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that we are to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers.  As part of this I know that they are there to help us.  lift us when we s tumble.  and love us through it.  ESPECIALLY if it is something that they have experienced.  How else are we supposed to turn our hearts to each other if we are not helping one another?

I am grateful for my grandparents, all of them.  for the love and strength they have given me.

Long time

It's been a long time.  Far too long.  Lots of reasons, some no better than excuses, some real reasons.

I'm back.

It's been a long few months.  We moved, are trying to get settled.  Hubby has been here and gone and round again... It is so emotionally stressful for everyone.
Soon enough he will be done with training and be back living with us.

I have realized a lot this week that God is in all things.  Especially the little things.

We had a bad weekend, we lost my grandmother, which wasnt really a bad thing.  But it was hard, I  last minute after fighting against the desire pulled my son from school and started the 3 hour drive to see her.  We didn't make it.  I almost turned around and came home.  I felt like that was the wrong choice, but didnt really want to go home either and would have felt stupid returning home.  So we continued on.

I am forever glad we did.  I was there with my dad when he needed me.  It was a trying experience for sure.  Now this weekend we get to make the trip all over again.  But it's ok.  This is why we moved closer to family.

We struggled with my son (still do) for a long time.  We fought against people who told us we were doing the wrong thing in seeking a diagnosis and help for him.  We were told that if we were better parents we wouldnt have a son like him.  We fought long and hard for him.  Put him in therapies that were questionable to a lot of people.  WE were told that we were going against the Gospel, against the bible... blah blah blah...  It has been a long road.  Some days like this morning I sat here and wondered if we were in the wrong this whole time.  If we hadnt been doing the right thing, if we still arent doing the right thing.

We are now struggling with the littlest one too.  Todays struggle dealt with them both.  I was at such a loss I screamed (and swore) at my son.  It was awful.  I made him cry.  I shocked everyone.

My friend texted me and asked if I was going to library time.  I said yes, so we went.  I told the girls several times we were leaving soon but really had no desire to get off my butt and take them home.

Then... God came in.

There was an almost 8 year old there playing.  She got into it with my 2 year old.  Mom stepped in.  I really didnt see what was going on until mom stepped in.  Things unfolded and my friend says That is one spoiled child that needs a better parent.. or something along those lines.  I half heartedly agreed with her because I have heard that about myself one too many times and I just dont push the issue anymore.  Plus after this morning I was thinking the same about myself.

So mom and daughter came to me... Daughter starts going off and I was shocked a little it.  Not by what she was saying but it was like looking at my son in a girls body.  Poor mom is standing there mouthing she has Aspergers syndrome... ahhhhh... I get it.  I told mom that.  We talked for a long time, around 30 minutes.  Their daughter is exactly what my son would be if we hadn't done all we have done for him.  I could see it, I could feel it, hear it, taste it.  I have met other aspie families, and understood, but never like this.

Their story was our story minus the therapies.  She had a paper and a pencil I wrote so many things down for her that have helped us.  They are passing through town and are here for just a little bit job hunting.  So to happen on them and have their daughter react to MY daughter out of all the other children there, it was surely the hand of God and it was something that we both needed.  I really think we both learned so much from our conversation.  WE both saw the hand of God in our meeting.

God is there.  He has a plan, he is ready to help.  Sometimes you have to search hard, especially within yourself.  But he is always there, waiting to lead and guide.  Look for Him.